Did Americans there divorce and marry a Finn, then move

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moi
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2003 2:00 am
Location: NJ USA

Did Americans there divorce and marry a Finn, then move

Post by moi » Wed Sep 10, 2003 2:23 am

This is my thing I am working with because kids are involved but I need to move to Finland. Any takers on this question?
Rich



Did Americans there divorce and marry a Finn, then move

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Caroline
Posts: 1107
Joined: Sun Jul 13, 2003 8:38 pm

Post by Caroline » Wed Sep 10, 2003 9:14 am

I'm not saying that it can't be done, but in all honesty I think there is a really rocky road ahead. There are a number of questions which will come up. You'll have to get accustomed to a new life while still keeping your responsibilities to your former one.

There will be a 7-hour time difference to deal with if your children live in NJ. How old are your children....are they old enough to understand what you are planning to do and why....the trip over here and back can be pretty grueling even for people who like travelling.

How does your ex feel about the situation- has she met your wife...how will you deal with the situation when your children need your advice, or when your ex needs your advice regarding the children....

How does your wife get along with the children....do you plan to have more children with your Finnish wife, and, if so....how will you relate your new family to your former one....has your Finnish wife been married before....

You haven't given a lot of information about how your wife sees the situation, apart from not wanting to live in the USA. Does she know how you feel about being far away from your children....it can be really difficult to get some Finnish people to talk about feelings....

Do you have a job lined up here, and, if not...how do you feel about possibly being unemployed for a long time.....the unemployment rate among immigrants and expats here is something like 30%. Does your wife work, and, if so...how will you feel about being in limbo and adjusting to the culture clash while she is going about her normal life....don't forget that she is comfortable at home while you are sacrificing everything....or at least that's the impression I get from the information you provide.

I'm not suggesting you should answer these questions in public, but you should definitely think about all of them before you pack your bags.
Former expat in Finland, now living in New Hampshire USA.

Remembah whea ya pahked ya cah!


Caroline
Posts: 1107
Joined: Sun Jul 13, 2003 8:38 pm

Post by Caroline » Wed Sep 10, 2003 1:28 pm

p.s. I know 2 women here in Oulu who have gotten divorced and then moved here with their Finnish husbands, but neither is American.


One is from Kazakhstan, and she has lived here for about 5 years, and has 2 teenage kids from her previous marriage. In her case, she met her Finnish husband while he was working in Russia, and they lived in Russia for many years before moving here, during which time her husband learned Russian and presumably her kids learned Finnish. Now, her kids are fluent in Finnish; they speak it with their stepfather, and my friend speaks Russian with her husband, although her Finnish skills are pretty good. Their family seems to have 2 advantages: the kids are very well adjusted and do not want to return to Kazakhstan, and my friend's husband also has a son from his previous marriage, so it kind of puts them in a position to understand each other. I get the impression that my friend misses Kazakhstan the most out of everyone in her family, and she has certainly had some criticisms about the way things are done here, but she is also well settled and there aren't enough good reasons to return to Kazakhstan.


The other acquaintance is from Thailand, and from what I understand, she doesn't like it very much up here, because of the cold climate and tight job market. She speaks very little English and even less Finnish, wanted to return to Thailand but her husband convinced her to stay. She has at least 2 kids around 9-11 yrs old, who still live in Thailand because they did not want to move with her to Finland.
Former expat in Finland, now living in New Hampshire USA.

Remembah whea ya pahked ya cah!


moi
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2003 2:00 am
Location: NJ USA

All good points from Caroline.

Post by moi » Wed Sep 10, 2003 2:16 pm

Actually all has been thought about for 3 years now. My wife and kids actually love eachother very much. My wife was not married before and works in Helsinki. She sacrificed life to come here but in the time she was here she broke down loving us but not the US. She tried and th eplan was always to move to Finland in time when the kids were older. Now we are faced with no life together (save one week every 2 to 4 months! We go crazy with the missing!

My kids want to visit Finland. They know about the trip as I have told them what it is like the 12 times I have traveled there in the last 3 years. They will be 12 and 9 this autumn. The 12 yer old wants to be an exchange student to finland when she is old enough. The kids live an hour away now as their mon just remarried so my visitation is even less now because of work and their schooling. We lived in the same town until June. I bought a house to be near them and they moved. It is torture most of the time.

Regarding culture of being in Finland, I see much there that I want as part of my life that is not here and so much I do not like here. As for work, I would be fine looking and waiting, my 50+ hours a week here are knocking me out as i travel away from home anyway 4 nights a week and go home to nothing.

My wife and I want children and i would not mind to be mister mom at some point while we can. I took more care of my kids when they were younger and I love my wife so much i just need to be there.

Long hard rocky road but I have been researching a lot to make it happen. Thanks for posing the questions and I am on them constantly.


T. Rich


zedkoman
Posts: 79
Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2003 11:28 pm
Location: Suomen tasavalta

back and forth between finland

Post by zedkoman » Sat Sep 13, 2003 5:32 am

rich-

I dont presume to know your situation, but my case has some interesting parallels to yours. My dad divorced my mom while we were living in nj(essex county) he met my finnish step mom on the net and he packed his bags and left on a plane. This was about 5 years ago, and I was about 14 at the time. I now live in albany but my dad, step mom and his 2 kids are in helsinki. It won't be easy, but it is possible to maintain a parent child relationship with your two kids. If you move to finland with your wife, i really recommend that your kids visit as well, even for a short stay. I knew nothing about the country until i actually went there, and no book, no movie, nor article could explain or capture the unique nature of finland, especially from an american standpoint. Since my dad went to finland, i lived there for 1.5 years and had a great time, and i plan to go to a polytechnic there once i come up with 6000 euros. i hope all ends up well with your family.

zedko


TrishPaakkonen
Posts: 326
Joined: Wed May 07, 2003 6:50 am
Location: Espoo
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Post by TrishPaakkonen » Fri Nov 07, 2003 12:32 pm

Hi,

I am an American who remarried a Finn after being a single mom of 4 for almost 10 years. He did try, like your wife to live and work in the US, but , again, like her, didnt care for the states that much. We recently relocated here with our child, Katariina , who is 2 along with Jonathan, 13 who is from my first marriage.

There are many legal issues involved with relocating when one has a child or children from another marriage. I had to prove quite thoroughly that I had sole custody of Jon, who in fact had not seen his dad in many years.

Your situation seems a bit different in that it appears your kids will remain with your ex in the states. It is possible to maintain relationships with them . For instance, I speak almost daily online with my 21,19 and 16 year olds. I didnt like, at all, the fact that at the last minute my 16 yr old decided to stay with her grandparents in the US. But, since she is in her senior year in high school it was understandable. She plans to visit this Christmas holiday and now is even considering university here .

Let me know how things progress please.

Trish Pääkkönen
[email protected]


Penny
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2003 10:15 am
Location: Western Australia

Post by Penny » Sat Nov 08, 2003 9:48 am

Moi Moi
I took a 9 year old and a 14 year old with me to Finland from Australia, and they coped with the trip no worries. They are both from a previous marriage and all I needed was a letter from their father saying that he gave his permission for me to take them to Finland. I also needed his signature on their passport applications. They loved Finland, but they both wanted to come home to Australia. Mainly because of their friends and family left behind, although it was a huge culture shock as well. I left a 17 year old and a 19 year old in Australia, and that was really hard. For me and for them. We kept in touch on the net, but OMG!!! The worrying when everything was not perfect for them. It's never easy to leave a child behind, so you really need to do some soul searching there. Can't you find somewhere closer to your kids that your wife can handle? I know it's hard living in a foreign country, but one of you is going to have to make that sacrifice.
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moi
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2003 2:00 am
Location: NJ USA

Terve Trish and Penny!

Post by moi » Wed Nov 12, 2003 12:58 am

Thank you for your experiences. Much appreciated. As things are now the plan is for my wife to move back to the US for up to 3 years starting next summer. Teh hope is that my 13 and year olds will be at better ages if that is a possible thing). i plan to bring th ekids to Finland next summer for at least a week so they can see what all this is about and they want to go anyway. Thankfully they love my wife dearly as she loves them too. There is a lot of missing going on quite often.

I will be in finland for Thanksgiving and New Year but my wife will be here Christmas. We parse our vacation time as best we can to be together during this waiting time. Teh way things seem to be just now is that my wife will be able to take an extended leave from work in Finland so when we go back she at least will have work waiting for her.

Thanks again and good luck to each of you.

Moi moi


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