Agoraphobe with finnish partner

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bunnyboo
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Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by bunnyboo » Sat Apr 11, 2015 5:25 am

I am in an unusual situation...
I am from the UK and met my Finnish boyfriend online. I have agoraphobia/social anxiety since I was 16-17 (I am 26 now). Yes it was a big issue getting to meet and visit him but I managed it twice now with some help.
I've never been able to work and I live with my parents and receive ESA and DLA benefits.
I am curious if I would be likely to be accepted as a Finnish citizen, without prospect of working and needing to receive Finnish benefits because of my disorders?
I have tried to work in the past but they worsened my mental health and made me suicidal and scared to try again.
The other issue is my boyfriend also has an anxiety disorder and needs to finish school. So maybe now is not the right time but in a couple of years I hope.
I understand I would be seen as a burden and not likely to be accepted. :ohno:
But we are very serious about each other and want to spend our lives together. Is there any hope for me/us? Will this be hard? Any advice or information really would be helpful, thankyou for reading.



Agoraphobe with finnish partner

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Beep_Boop
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Beep_Boop » Sat Apr 11, 2015 9:40 am

Easy solution: He moves to the UK, finds a job there, and you two would live together happily ever after... and hopefully never have kids because they will be very miserable, and for the common good in case there's a genetic basis for what you two have.
Every f*cking application is unique.You can't measure the result of your application based on random anecdotes online. Stop being a moron!


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rinso
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by rinso » Sat Apr 11, 2015 10:04 am

bunnyboo wrote:I am in an unusual situation...
I am from the UK and met my Finnish boyfriend online. I have agoraphobia/social anxiety since I was 16-17 (I am 26 now). Yes it was a big issue getting to meet and visit him but I managed it twice now with some help.
I've never been able to work and I live with my parents and receive ESA and DLA benefits.
I am curious if I would be likely to be accepted as a Finnish citizen, without prospect of working and needing to receive Finnish benefits because of my disorders?
I have tried to work in the past but they worsened my mental health and made me suicidal and scared to try again.
The other issue is my boyfriend also has an anxiety disorder and needs to finish school. So maybe now is not the right time but in a couple of years I hope.
I understand I would be seen as a burden and not likely to be accepted. :ohno:
But we are very serious about each other and want to spend our lives together. Is there any hope for me/us? Will this be hard? Any advice or information really would be helpful, thankyou for reading.
Living in Finland will be very difficult for you. Nothing goes easy if there is red tape involved. And in your situation you'll meet a lot of red tape.
You are expected to take care of yourself, not only financially but also in all kinds of daily matters. Nobody will help you with things that are to complicated or different. You'll have to figure it out for yourself and that means a lot of interaction with other people IN FINNISH!

As Adnan said; it is probably much easier if your boyfriend moves to the UK.


Flossy1978
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Flossy1978 » Sat Apr 11, 2015 8:57 pm

I agree with the others.

Get your boyfriend to where you live.

I assume you must be in some type of therapy? Well, it just won't work as well here. Therapy is very difficult in another country other than your own, if the language name isn't English. Even if the therapist speaks great English.

Really, stay where you are. For such severe disabilities, you are better off there. If your boyfriend loves you, he'll come to you :)


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rinso
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by rinso » Sun Apr 12, 2015 7:14 am

Flossy1978 wrote:Therapy is very difficult in another country other than your own, if the language name isn't English. Even if the therapist speaks great English.
This is a very good point.
If you need a rare specialist there are few to chose from. (actually if you use the public health service there is no choosing at all)
You might end up with someone who is increasing your problems due to the language barrier.


Flossy1978
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Flossy1978 » Sun Apr 12, 2015 8:19 am

There is also the cultural aspect and possible different methods of therapy here.


Tiwaz
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Tiwaz » Sat Apr 18, 2015 5:37 pm

Like said, don't do it.

And if you love that guy you talk about, you disregard suggestions made by others.
They think how miserable YOU would be with your condition, but fail to consider that anxiety disorder suffering boyfriend could easily go ballistic in UK, for same reasons they list on why you would go nuts in Finland.

English speaking therapists are not going to be much use for your BF when totally alien surroundings start to stress up his psyche.


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tuttu
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by tuttu » Sun Apr 19, 2015 3:39 pm

bunnyboo,

being from the EU, there is no problem coming and living here.

i don't know exactly how it goes if you never, ever work at all, but esp. if you get married i really don't see a problem.

you don't need citizenship. i've been here 12years and still don't have citizenship, whilst enjoying all the benefits, schooling, health insurance and so on.

this is the technical part.

socially, i mostly agree with what the others here said.
coming to a different country to live in it permanently is a much bigger thing than one imagines beforehand. i speak from experience.


Flossy1978
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Flossy1978 » Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:07 am

It would still ultimately be easier for your boyfriend in England, even if it's an alien land. He clearly speaks English, to be having a serious relationship with you. And there's already so much English life in Finland. Language, food, movies, tv etc.

Your boyfriend could get involved with support groups, which you couldn't really do in Finland (language barrier). And there's be just as good, if not better therapy, etc for your boyfriend, there.

Good luck :)


Tiwaz
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Tiwaz » Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:58 am

Flossy1978 wrote:It would still ultimately be easier for your boyfriend in England, even if it's an alien land. He clearly speaks English, to be having a serious relationship with you. And there's already so much English life in Finland. Language, food, movies, tv etc.

Your boyfriend could get involved with support groups, which you couldn't really do in Finland (language barrier). And there's be just as good, if not better therapy, etc for your boyfriend, there.

Good luck :)
And here Flossy shows double standards. If it was so trivial for BF to get along in UK because "so much English" and all that BS. It would be equally easy for YOU to get along in Finland.

If you cannot handle Finland, despite "so much English"... Then neither can he handle UK. Talk about support groups is again BS, after them having declared how you cannot handle Finland due to language barrier, even with plentiful English speakers in Finland.


Flossy1978
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Flossy1978 » Mon Apr 20, 2015 1:56 pm

I meant English cultural things, not the language per se.

There is so much alike in this shrinking world, in many Western countries now. But Finland is a small country who does not wield so much power as to be a big influence, like England does, in other countries.

But the language issue is something which the poster would suffer greatly in a negative way, with her issues, in Finland. The Finnish boyfriend wouldn't suffer as negatively if he moved to England.

And you shouldn't be so dismissive of support groups. They can provide a huge comfort and help to people who go to them.


Upphew
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Upphew » Mon Apr 20, 2015 3:45 pm

tummansininen wrote:and then realise that Finland doesn't give out shopping bags and you're stuck there with nothing to pack your groceries into.
UK will have same stuff happening soon: https://www.gov.uk/government/policies/ ... rrier-bags
http://google.com http://translate.google.com http://urbandictionary.com
Visa is for visiting, Residence Permit for residing.


Flossy1978
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Flossy1978 » Mon Apr 20, 2015 4:27 pm

Yeah, but since a Finn is already use to that....... It's a moot point :D :D :D


Tiwaz
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Tiwaz » Thu Apr 23, 2015 8:07 am

tummansininen wrote:The UK is far less foreign to a Finn than Finland is to someone from the UK. Both in language and culture.
Finns are exposed to great amounts of both the language and culture. The same cannot be said for Brits.
Trying to suggest that a Finn with reasonable English would be shell-shocked by UK culture is a load of balderdash.
Oh? Have YOU been Finn in UK? One with anxiety disorder.
Go to Tesco for your shopping... check yourself out at the register and go home without even having to speak to someone. You understand all the labels on the products. If necessary to speak to someone, at least you know the words to ask. You get on the correct bus because you were able to search the destination on your phone. Maybe when you get home you're a little sad because you couldn't buy decent rye bread like they have back home.
SO WHAT IS THE @#$% DIFFERENCE TO BRITISH? JUST PRETEND IT IS ONE BIG GODDAMN TESCO!
Now try that %&# in Finland where you can't even figure out which bus is right or why it has two suburbs listed. You don't know how to look it up on the internet. Then in the supermarket you don't what's in the box. But you're too shy to ask anyone because you sound like an idiot in English so you just guess which is the right sugar. You also have a guess with the cream, but you're not sure. The checkout operator is a kind person who asks if you want your frozen peas in a small bag, but they might as well be an alien because you don't know what they're on about and you feel so stupid that you just stand there while they stare at you, and so does the guy standing in the queue behind you. You fumble to pay (after wondering what she asked you about, because you don't understand "have you got a rewards card") and then realise that Finland doesn't give out shopping bags and you're stuck there with nothing to pack your groceries into. They all stare at you because you can't pack things to leave and you are in everyone's way. Eventually you put it all in the small fruit bags, then get home and you think the cream is off. But it was viili, so you wasted your money and can't cook what you wanted to. Your cup of tea has jam-setting sugar in it and your cake doesn't rise because Finland has no such thing as self-raising flour. So you throw that in a bin and cry some more. Your partner tries to comfort you but really there's nothing he can say that will make it ok. And this goes on for YEARS.
And this is basically same issue REVERSED for Finn in UK. "Where the @#$% are the shopping bags?" "What the hell is this stuff."

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID OF PROBLEMS FOR BRITISH TO COME TO FINN APPLY TO FINN GOING TO UK WITH SUPERFICIAL DIFFERENCES!

How the hell is HE going to figure out he needs some kind of idiotic utility bill to prove his address and all that other BS you people were perfectly adjusted to when YOU were in UK. Because that was what you were accustomed to!

This is typical British racism "Oh you get along fine in UK, because it is so easy to handle." Of course. FOR YOU!
For Finn, it is bloody cultural disaster. Regular Finn without any mental problems can bear it out, stressful as it might be, but someone with anxiety disorder is going to have problems go worse.

As for support groups Flossy... They are worthless... BECAUSE THEY SPEAK ENGLISH! I am rather fluent with English overall, but I know that if forced to express my feelings, insecurities and so on in English. It would be a @#$% disaster! Not just that I am Finn and culturally talking about that stuff is not exactly high priority in our society (unfortunate it might be but whatever) I would have to do it in alien language where my ability to express myself is hindered!
And let's add the mentioned "afraid to look/sound stupid making mistakes" which applies to Finns, perhaps quite a bit more as we are indeed drilled to avoid mistakes...
Yay. It is Charlie Foxtrot waiting to happen!

You lot are essentially racist here, acting as if British culture or society is somehow universal thing where anyone easily slips. Reality is that it is NOT. And no amount of watching Emmerdale or Doc Martin or Mr Bean or whatever is ever going to make you adjusted to real deal.

Honestly, I could have said everything you said about UK about Finland. After all, when I look at it it is so painfully easy how things can be handled here. But I am realist and realize that it is because of my background. And, having been abroad I realize that others do not share my background, so I can put myself in their shoes and realize that what is simple for me is a hurdle for others. I would have expected you people to have realized that too. But perhaps this is some of that anglo arrogance.


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Beep_Boop
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Beep_Boop » Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:19 am

SO WHAT IS THE @#$% DIFFERENCE TO BRITISH? JUST PRETEND IT IS ONE BIG GODDAMN TESCO!
Wow. How did you manage to turn the computer on today? Be honest, did someone do that for you?

Let me explain what she meant. In urban life, a big issue for people suffering from anxiety is going to the store because they'll have to interact with the cashier. It's very scary that the cashier might say something to them.. "What would I answer back?!"
You see, that's why it's an illness!
tummansininen mentioned to Tesco as an example how you can finish your shopping task without zero human interaction.


Anyway, back to the topic. Once you begin your life in the UK, it's a lot easier to live there than the same in Finland. A lot. By large difference! It's insanely easier to be a foreigner in the UK than a foreigner in Finland. It's especially true where I was, in Scotland. I've been a foreigner in both, so I know.
Every f*cking application is unique.You can't measure the result of your application based on random anecdotes online. Stop being a moron!


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