Agoraphobe with finnish partner

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Tiwaz
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Tiwaz » Thu Apr 23, 2015 1:20 pm

adnan wrote:
SO WHAT IS THE @#$% DIFFERENCE TO BRITISH? JUST PRETEND IT IS ONE BIG GODDAMN TESCO!
Wow. How did you manage to turn the computer on today? Be honest, did someone do that for you?

Let me explain what she meant. In urban life, a big issue for people suffering from anxiety is going to the store because they'll have to interact with the cashier. It's very scary that the cashier might say something to them.. "What would I answer back?!"
You see, that's why it's an illness!
tummansininen mentioned to Tesco as an example how you can finish your shopping task without zero human interaction.
And you idiot think that's it. Great.
Except it is not. You cannot @#$% shop at Tesco and pretend that everything else around you is not a @#$% alien landscape. Which nicely drives up the stress levels which makes the situation worse.
You also conveniently ignored that Tesco is not all of it. He has to do more than go home and then Tesco and then back home. Is he going to have also ability to go to Tesco without human contact to handle his permits? They sell those without need to undergo any bureaucracy? Oh yeah, not! Along with plethora of other issues like paying bills, making contracts etc etc.
Anyway, back to the topic. Once you begin your life in the UK, it's a lot easier to live there than the same in Finland. A lot. By large difference! It's insanely easier to be a foreigner in the UK than a foreigner in Finland. It's especially true where I was, in Scotland. I've been a foreigner in both, so I know.
Except you have NOT been a Finn who is abroad. I have. Our culture is nothing like yours. Neither do we possess potential "safe havens" where massive amount our cultural, extended or not, background people could be found.

For most immigrant like you, there are considerable communities of extended cultural "family" around. People from your native land, or in most cases from neighboring ones that have strongly similar culture.

Finns do not. Closes thing to cultural relative we have are Estonians, who in turn are even tinier group of people and thus extremely small community abroad.
Finn going abroad is in most cases 100% alone. Which is no biggie if we are regular guys, but someone with anxiety disorder is going to need familiar anchor to help them keep calm.


Honestly, you people make me sick. You at same breath recommend OP to NOT come to Finland because of her mental conditions worrying for her and then tell her to try to drag her BF to UK without ANY consideration for HIS health.

Let's presume you have your way, she manages to lure him into UK. Fast forward say half a year and he offs himself because alien surroundings without any familiar support nets, alien language and all that causing his AD get worse and worse. You DO realize that AD comes often hand in hand with depression?

Are you then happy?



Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

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Beep_Boop
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Beep_Boop » Thu Apr 23, 2015 2:06 pm

Tiwaz wrote:Except you have NOT been a Finn who is abroad. I have. Our culture is nothing like yours. Neither do we possess potential "safe havens" where massive amount our cultural, extended or not, background people could be found.

For most immigrant like you, there are considerable communities of extended cultural "family" around. People from your native land, or in most cases from neighboring ones that have strongly similar culture.
What now?! :lol:
Oh man :lol:
I can't even begin to address how silly that was. Please show me where those "safe havens" are! Where a bunch of people who think like me gather together and build a neighborhood. No no, come.. really. Give me a name of one neighborhood, in Finland or UK, where a large number of Assyrian Syrian Atheists live. Please! I'm dying to find such community, and you seem like an expert on these matters.

Man, you're one of a kind, aren't you? I haven't laughed this much in a long time. Thank you :D
Tiwaz wrote:Let's presume you have your way, she manages to lure him into UK. Fast forward say half a year and he offs himself because alien surroundings without any familiar support nets, alien language and all that causing his AD get worse and worse. You DO realize that AD comes often hand in hand with depression?

Are you then happy?
Yes.
Every case is unique. You can't measure the result of your application based on arbitrary anecdotes online.


Tiwaz
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Tiwaz » Thu Apr 23, 2015 2:40 pm

adnan wrote: Oh man :lol:
I can't even begin to address how silly that was. Please show me where those "safe havens" are! Where a bunch of people who think like me gather together and build a neighborhood. No no, come.. really. Give me a name of one neighborhood, in Finland or UK, where a large number of Assyrian Syrian Atheists live. Please! I'm dying to find such community, and you seem like an expert on these matters.
Your stupidity knows no bounds does it?
I do not even bother to respond.

If you bothered to google you would have found website for people of your origin in UK.

By comparison, searching for Finns gets you far less extensive options.
Man, you're one of a kind, aren't you? I haven't laughed this much in a long time. Thank you :D
Guess for you being one of simple mind does carry some perks for you.
Tiwaz wrote:Let's presume you have your way, she manages to lure him into UK. Fast forward say half a year and he offs himself because alien surroundings without any familiar support nets, alien language and all that causing his AD get worse and worse. You DO realize that AD comes often hand in hand with depression?

Are you then happy?
Yes.
No surprise there.


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Beep_Boop
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Beep_Boop » Thu Apr 23, 2015 3:21 pm

Tiwaz wrote:If you bothered to google you would have found website for people of your origin in UK.
No no, please show me. Show me. Post a link. Google Maps. Google keywords. Anything, really. Postal code. Neighborhood name. Village name. Anything! Where can I find a community of Assyrian Syrian Atheists in the UK. Prove me wrong. Prove you're smart. Because that's where I'll find "my kind of culture". While Finns are mostly monocultured (nothing wrong with that, of course), I was raised amongst tens of different cultures and not all brown people (even though I have a whiter-than-milk skin.. which reminds me, I need some tan) have the same culture.
Now, again, show me where that "safe haven" exists.

I won't retaliate the insults, my parents raised me better.
Tiwaz wrote:Guess for you being one of simple mind does carry some perks for you.
Oh yeah, super simple mind. I wonder how I trick all these companies to pay me so much money for being so simple-minded. :lol:

Mate, just relax and take it easy. Not everybody is out to get you, aye?
Every case is unique. You can't measure the result of your application based on arbitrary anecdotes online.


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tuttu
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by tuttu » Thu Apr 23, 2015 11:12 pm

well this conversation surely got out of hand quickly.

i must agree with tiwaz on one thing: there's no reason why it should be easier for a finn with a certain type of disorder to go to the UK than for a Brit to come to Finland.
there's no reason why for the Brit with a certain type of disorder moving to finland should be harder than moving to any other (non-english-speaking) country.

there is indeed a certain type of stereotypism or prejudice concerning life in finland which both finns (!) and foreigners like to keep up in casual talk, and it's about 75% !"#¤%.


Flossy1978
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Flossy1978 » Thu Apr 23, 2015 11:52 pm

Yet another person throwing around the racism card when they don't like what they hear.

No one ever said it would be roses for the boyfriend, just the possibility would be it's easier!!!

I'm sorry, but the boyfriend has anxiety. Which does not always go hand in hand with depression. The girlfriend can't even leave her home. Which do you consider a worst situation to be in?

England is also a culturally diverse country, which I can guarantee you, there are a whole lot more Finns living in, than Englishmen living in Finland.

Let me guess, you have anxious-depression, Tiwaz???

You know what? So do a lot of other people. And alot of those same people have coping methods they use to get through life.

Your idea about the boyfriend being isolated without a group of his own kind around him, is a load of hogwash. He already speaks English and clearly must have some connection with English culture, because he has a girlfriend from there. He's certainly not going into this blind and without support.

Tiwaz. Whatever your problem is, take a chill pill. There is no need to use shouting capitals at us.


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rinso
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by rinso » Fri Apr 24, 2015 8:40 am

why did nobody mentioned that two people with anxiety is not a good combination anywhere?


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Beep_Boop
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Beep_Boop » Fri Apr 24, 2015 8:55 am

Honestly, my simple mind cannot understand why some people cannot understand the simplicity of the following situation. Here's my mental process to understand the situation, and please please address it and help me correct it if you think I'm wrong.

- Female is from the UK. She does NOT speak Finnish.
- Male from Finland. He speaks English.
- Female's has extremely sever mental disorders. Cannot even leave her home.
- Male has some mental problems, but nowhere near the severity of the female.

Given these 4 facts, it's very easy to conclude that the male's life in UK will be a lot easier than the female's life in Finland. Plain and simple. I mean, it doesn't even need any discussion or debate. So clear straightforward. Does that mean that the male's life will be a piece of cake in the UK? Nope. It simply means that the situation will be easier. I know that not everybody here is a native English speaker, but easier isn't the same as easy.
Every case is unique. You can't measure the result of your application based on arbitrary anecdotes online.


Flossy1978
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Flossy1978 » Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:44 am

We don't know the extent of the boyfriend's issues. It could be a small dose of anxiety, not completely overwhelming.

The woman sounds a whole lot worse off.

Oh I just realised.... What if she moved to Finland, heaven forbid way up in the north. What could the dark winter do to her?

But two people with such issues can be good for each other. But maybe quite bad too :D

I agree with you Adnan.


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Beep_Boop
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Beep_Boop » Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:08 pm

roger_roger wrote:We communicate more though, but inside Official company chat application.
Oh yeah, Lync friendships :D
Every case is unique. You can't measure the result of your application based on arbitrary anecdotes online.


Flossy1978
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Flossy1978 » Sat Apr 25, 2015 10:07 pm

But why with the problems she has, do you want to encourage more isolation? That certainly doesn't help with her issues.

And she might be able to get benefits in her country, but maybe once in Finland she'd have to go through a rigorous set of new testing to prove she's "unfit" for working. That would mean a long time going through the system and possibly even a rejection of her claims. Not to mention she'd probably have to get all her paperwork translated into Finnish. And for all I've read about England, it seems a whole easier to get benefits, than in Finland.

The logistics of helping her boyfriend with anxiety in England seems a lot easier. Since he must be high functioning if he's educating himself, to be able to work.


InSide
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by InSide » Sun May 03, 2015 5:58 pm

OH my god you people. She could totally do it if she worked on herself a bit. I'm myself slightly agoraphobic in my own land ( I live in a nearly million people city atm) and soon I'm moving to live with my gf in Finland. We both have social anxiety too, yet we have jobs. Believe it or not, there are jobs where you don't need to talk much. The worst for me was when I had to find courage coming there for the first time. Much to my surprise, I felt almost zero anxiety while being in Finland as there are barely any people out and about, and much less the ones you ever have to interact with as has been already pointed out. What others here describe is hard to take seriously as the bus problems, market problems, etc... You can always ask somebody in ENGLISH and figure it out. It's not rocket science , jesus. There's nothing SUBSTANTIALLY different if you compare it to other countries. Yes, language might be hard, but actually YOU CAN LEARN BY YOURSELF using books and other sources. That's how I learned English in the first place. Yes, you will have to have speaking practice at some point, but I'm sure that can even happen over Skype if still unable to leave home. As to the benefits, I would not count on that. At least, not when youre there in the first years. Anyways, It's all up to you. Don't listen to these drama queens .


bunnyboo
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by bunnyboo » Tue Dec 08, 2015 7:52 am

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate being able to see the point of view from many other people's perspectives.
We've known each other a year and a half now and I have visited for a third time. The journey going through the airport alone when my dad has to leave me at security; to plane to boyfriend gets easier as I get more used to it but I still fear travelling alone in a taxi, doing bags by myself etc.

Just to clarify yes the person who posted these points, its correct:
"- Female is from the UK. She does NOT speak Finnish.
- Male from Finland. He speaks English.
- Female's has extremely sever mental disorders. Cannot even leave her home.
- Male has some mental problems, but nowhere near the severity of the female."

I dont speak any finnish apart from hello, bye, thankyou, etc.I do need to apply myself and learn. My boyfriend speaks fluent English perfectly, in an american-ish accent no less, as he picked it up from gaming as a teenager. He does forget some obscure words on occasion though. I do have a lot of problems and can't go out alone but can with him or a parent. My boyfriend's problems are less severe, he is attending therapy and can answer the door/phone/go out alone but still feels anxiety. He has bipolar/anxiety disorder. I would never put pressure on him to work for both of us though (and would feel awfully guilty doing so) and feel that I may well have to live with my parents for my life. And for the other poster no i'm not planning on having children unless I make a miraculous recovery.

He hasn't visited me yet as he has to keep up with therapies etc although when he does it may be less fun for him in my parents house. Next year though, we are hoping! Im not sure if he'd really get a feel for the UK in such a short time but we'll see. I think any drastic changes we make if we make them would happen far in the distant future. He may find it easier in Finland as there are less people and may get a shock coming to a much busier england, i'll always support whatever is best and easiest for him and never drag him down.
But I got a good range of responses to think about so thank you.
But yes I was concerned about the possibility to live there, would i have to be married or unmarried. Would they allow me benefits or make me work when my finnish would be far from adequate. Or would they turn me away and say No thankyou! Go back to england! I dont think he can support us alone.
Of course if i won the lottery i'd just go over and buy a place tomorrow and not worry about being a drain on Finland...
Thanks again.


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tuttu
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by tuttu » Fri Dec 11, 2015 9:21 pm

erm, thanks for returning to this thread and continuing to share your situation in a friendly and unfazed manner, which i somehow feel we do not deserve, for ripping everything and -one to shreds...
:roll:


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Pursuivant
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Re: Agoraphobe with finnish partner

Post by Pursuivant » Sat Dec 12, 2015 12:27 am

Hi bunnyboo,

I read this resurrected thread, and read all the fecal matter hitting the fan on page 2... OK, so let me give my farthing

I am not a "social person" always either... right now I am sitting in the local pub in "my seat" observing the chavs on karaoke. I "know" the locals, the locals "know" me and I do have a banter with them and the random strangers at times. But I am not in the mood tonight. And once you find your niche "you're awwright".

London for me, I go for work at times is a "pissant nest", but I feel there "at home" more than in some toff town where "everyone knows everyones business" & has nothing better to hyacinth bucket over their neighbors...

My English was taught by the nuns, my accent used to be very "American", which got an Irish lilt and these days a random south on top so nobody can figure where the f* I am from (but the old fogies complain of the "damn foreigners" to me in the pub so I don't sound like a wicked East European)

I do agree, while figuring out stuff is a challenge - a Finn can fare better in the UK than a limey in Finland. From experience. As long as you remember theres no zebras and the cars drive first and the doubledeckers come from the wrong direction... the bureaucracy is a piece of piss - they believe what you say as, unlike Finland, there is nowhere to verify it from. Except the gas bill :lol:

What you would be facing in Finland is all your disabilities being re-assessed by doctors and then insurance doctors so basically you'd be told you are fit to work and put onto a course... All this in a language you do not understand. So that is the bigger issue here. Finnish being the easiest language to learn and the current health system giving a flying fu...feathered ptarmigan
"By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes."


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