Long Distance Relationships

turbodank23 · Post by **turbodank23** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 9:50 pm

Can anyone please send me info on how to live and work in Finland sucessfully. I have visited Finland 2 times to see my girlfriend and I plan on moving there in the next 1-2 years. I have all my applications as far as work permit, residence permit and visa application. I only need to fill them out and send them. I am having trouble finding a job if you have any job openings or know of any please contact me at [email protected] thank you in advance Daniel Elder

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Sara · Post by **Sara** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 10:32 pm

Hi Dan!

Welcome to the group!

As for LDRs sometimes they work, sometimes they dont. Most of us are here because it did work out. I hope things work out well for you.

As for work, we have a job section! Read all the advise, follow links, read the jobs people post and apply for anything you might be interested in. There is a excellent thread from Gavin, the main point being Call, Call and Call people here!

You say you want to move here in the next year or two. Are you willing to move as soon as a job comes up? There are lots of people here all looking for work and they do have the advantage of actually being here. It will be much easier for you to look for work once youre on Finnish soil.

Good luck!

PeterF · Post by **PeterF** » Sat Nov 15, 2003 2:19 pm

Define relationship......and remember it is a two way equation.
Look at my post on the break up saga in "Why is the job market so hard in Finland"
It is hard because the competition is tough the standards demanded are high and Finnish employers take as their first choice Finns.
I see you have also posted another question regarding how dfifficult it is to move here as an American...paperwork is much more difficult than for an EU citizen....but once you are here visa and work permit in hand finding work is equaly difficult...as one member said already .,..having the language is very big plus and not having any Finnish language skills a big negative.
You say you are a chef...that can mean anything from Macdonalds fry pan operator to Chef D Cusine at the Ritz...either will find things tough without Finnish language ..you work in a kitchen full of Finns and English language is not spoken and rarely understood by the avearage Finn who is "kitchen staff."
I have a friend here who is French and a real Chef D Cuisine, he was number 2 at the Paris Ritz Hotel...when he met a Finnish girl and followed her here. EU citizen so no problems..fantastic CV and letters of introduction ....but...
He spent the first year doing part time fill in jobs in any kitchen he could ..mainly preparing vegtables.. until learnt Finnish..he then did some buffets banquet work and he got accepted and known..he is now working as relief Chef D Cusine for a hotel chain.
Oh and he married his girl friend and they have a nice appartment....some stories have happy endings.

Mikie · Post by **Mikie** » Mon Nov 17, 2003 5:10 am

As Sara pointed out, most of us on here are in or were in LDRs. So there is definitely hope. I am fortunate in the fact that I was able to con, err I mean persuade, wait no thats not it either. I was able to brainwash my girlfriend into coming to the US. So I can't offer much advice in that arena, only to wish you luck and to tell you to take advantage of this board. I've learned a lot Finland and life inside here. Your girlfriend can explain to you quite a bit, but to be able to get an outsiders view (i.e other Americans) is priceless.

Good Luck

joseph08 · Post by **joseph08** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 7:51 pm

I am brand spankin' new to this site. Anyway I am happy to say my wife and I met my senior year at my university while she was over on exchange and we lasted almost two years while she finished her studies in Turku. I am happy to say we made it and are now married and living in the States.

Dara · Post by **Dara** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 8:06 pm

Well... my own LDR from the past (and yeah it had very much to do with Finland) did not work out so nice... But I guess it all depends on the people and the will to make it happen

Caroline · Post by **Caroline** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 11:29 pm

Dan,

I have not really been through an LDR myself, but we have spent a lot of time apart due to immigration laws and family obligations and we have had to re-adjust every time we´re reunited. My hubbie and I are a Finnish-American couple like you and yours, so I can offer a little perspective.

The advantage to moving to a foreign country when you are relatively young is that the chances are you´ll eventually adjust to the culture better than those who move later in life. But on the other hand if your decision is more spontaneous, based on feelings of frustration at being "stuck" in your home country, and an urge to get away...and if you hurry to move here (and marry) just to "solve" all of that, then you will probably get here and soon discover that you should have taken things more slowly. It won´t be long before you´re dealing with the typical relationship issues: how to spend money that you don´t have (a common problem in Finland), acceptance with in-laws, when and how many children to have, how to deal with homesickness, and struggling with your new identity as an individual who is not really American anymore, but not really Finnish, either. I can tell you adjusting to a foreign culture is a VERY long process. I´ve been here almost 4 years total, and I am just now starting to understand the place where I live. My perceptions of Finland are very different now than they were 4 years ago.

The problem with LDR´s is a catch-22, that you can´t build a relationship without knowing what it´s like to live with your partner, but you can´t learn to live together while maintaining the relationship long distance. I have a friend who married her Finnish husband when she was 19, and now 5 years and 3 children later, she is re-thinking her life and getting a temporary separation

I would recommend that you try to come here and study for a year or so, to get to know your girlfriend, but leave yourself an "out" option so that you can get the experience of living overseas, yet not be pressured into anything you´re not ready for.

Good luck!

Mikie · Post by **Mikie** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 5:09 am

Wow, that was probably the best advice on the subject I've seen thus far. Dan, it might not be a bad idea to re-read Carolines post and think about what she's saying. There is nothing wrong with 'testing the waters', so to speak. I am very much in love with the girl in the picture to my left, and I want nothing more than to finally be with her indefinitely. We considered all options for her coming here, but found it best that she comes here on an extended travel visa, just to make sure we are doing the right thing and that she aclimates to the new lifestyle. Does it mean we don't have confidence in our relationship? Not at all. All that it means is that we understand the difficulties of all of this and want to make sure that if this doesn't work out in everybody's best interest, that we still have options.

Once again, good luck. The best things come to those who wait.

MinnaRaisanen · Post by **MinnaRaisanen** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 9:59 am

Daniel...

Caroline's has offered you some excellent advice so I do hope you read it carefully and absorb what she is saying.

I have been here for 2.5 years and it has been hard. I met my boyfriend during the summer of 2000 and then went back home for 9 months, at the end of which I dropped and packed everything and made the move. I had been here many, many times and have family here - I also speak the language. I thought all these things would make it easier to do this, but unfortunately nothing helped. There is so much to miss and so many differences between North America and Finland.

Although my parents came from Finland and I have Finnish blood, I grew up in Canada and with Canadian values, manners and 'isms' so it has been difficult. My bf and I have had to work really hard to stay together and we have seen so many rough times that could have been avoided had I not jumped the gun and come here so suddenly. I have been smart in the sense that we are not engaged or anything of that level and I have kept all my finances separate so that I can leave whenever I want to. Canada is still 'home' to me and I want to be able to go back whenever I want to - if I decide I really can't make it here.

We are still together and trying to make this work, but I feel a certain....well....panic (for lack of a better word) when I think about living this far away from my family and all that has made me who I am. I still just don't know if I can stay here...Everyday there is some kind of struggle, no matter how small. For now we'll just keep trying...

Do keep in touch with the people on this board because it is a wonderful help to have something like this site to help get through the rough patches! Most of us share similar experiences and I find it's always nice to know I am are not alone!

Cheers Daniel!
Minna

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 10:01 am

Caroline wrote: I would recommend that you try to come here and study for a year or so, to get to know your girlfriend, but leave yourself an "out" option so that you can get the experience of living overseas, yet not be pressured into anything you´re not ready for.

That's the way it was with me and my gf.
We emailed and called for two years (which cost a sh*tload of money for phonecosts since there wasn't cable or ISDN yet, back then

), then flew up and down to eachother for another 2 years, 6 times a year, mostly for a long weekend (which cost an even bigger sh*tload of money, since it was more expensive to fly from Holland to Finland or vice versa than it was to fly from Holland to USA; there weren't any low-budget airlines back then

) and then she came over for a year to NL to work/study and then we moved back to Finland (which cost another sh*tload of money) and now I'm out of money and out of a proper job.
But now we're happy and together and survived all the cranks and yabbediyabbedi's from the LDR.

So it IS possible. It's a long way, and (most of my fellow-succeeded LDR-ers will probably agree on that) at times a bumpy, rocky road, but uuummm... well... Finish up with that cliché thing: True love conquers all...

turbodank23 · Post by **turbodank23** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 7:05 pm

Thank all of you for your help and insight I do travel back and forth to Finland to see her when she has off of school mind you she is still in highschool so rushing things couldnt happen if I even tried she is 18 and I am 20 I moving over with her and her family and study at Helsinki University take some finnish classes and some buisness classes while she attends for free which seems smart to me it is cheap and we can study together and i will also have 2 diffrent degrees 1 from america and one from finalnd which Ithink will help my job chances also studying finnish in the states and helsinki will show my effort to want to be apart of the finnish scene I LOVE HER VERY MUCH and really hope this will work But you know what they say " you can plan a pretty picnic but you can"t predict the weather" so in all and all thank you very much Dan

P.S I think it is the finnish girls eyes that get me hers especially just something about them attracts me like a spell.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 7:16 pm

turbodank23 wrote: P.S I think it is the finnish girls eyes that get me hers especially just something about them attracts me like a spell.

There's something with the Finnish girls alright

I think 90% of the people on this forum been there, done that

Anyway... All the luck with your plans.
Hope they will work out for you and your girlfriend

Caroline · Post by **Caroline** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 7:20 pm

turbodank23 wrote:I LOVE HER VERY MUCH and really hope this will work But you know what they say " you can plan a pretty picnic but you can"t predict the weather" so in all and all thank you very much Dan

P.S I think it is the finnish girls eyes that get me hers especially just something about them attracts me like a spell.

I know what you mean...as in the giddy honeymoon stage that you are in (those of us who are a bit older and in intercultural marriages have been there), but believe me...you don´t know what love is until you´ve had some nasty fights, done some soul-searching, communicated with your partner on every topic imaginable, and made a lot of sacrifices.

An elderly uncle of mine who has been married about 60 years, once said "relationships are difficult enough even when two people are very compatible". He meant marriage, but he is not in touch with these modern times when people can cohabitate without being legally married...

Anyway, I admire your interest in living abroad...whether or not you stay, the experience will be very valuable.

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 9:37 pm

turbodank23 wrote:P.S I think it is the finnish girls eyes that get me hers especially just something about them attracts me like a spell.

Philocaption, or inordinate love of one person for another, can be caused in three ways. Sometimes it is due merely to a lack of control over the eyes; sometimes to the temptation of devils; sometimes to the spells of necromancers and witches, Malleus maleficarum, II/II/III

PS If you looking for restaurant management BBA, there is an English program here => http://www.hiamk.fi/www.hiamk.fi/user/english.asp

turbodank23 · Post by **turbodank23** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 10:16 pm

Im sorry but your link did not work hank not sure what the problem is thank though can you point in any other directions? My girlfriend was exchange student here last year now there is another finnish girl its weird cause im friends with her to its like deja vu ya know but im not in love with this one just friends but the other had me as soon a we first met.
also u know any good finnish classes in Pennsylvania taught in a classroom well thanks

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