Splitting up child involved

[dutchguy]

Thank you all for the kind replies, I am indeed struggling with the whole situation, I am currently seeing a psychologist to provide me with mental support, as I am still suffering from depression most likely due to the high and continuing stress of the whole situation although it is getting better. My ex has now said that all communication about our daughter should go through her parents which is what I plan to do. My preference would be to have a weekly skype meeting with my daughter so that she would grow up with dutch or English as her 2nd language and would get to know me better, my ex has said that this is unacceptable and I will only get to see her a few hours at her parents every time I come to visit there. I have even thought it would be easiest to just not visit my daughter and hate myself for having these thoughts. I won't do this as I know this is not what is best for our daughter, I asked myself the question: If I were the child, would I rather have a father who visits a few times a year, or a father who completely ignores me? Obviously the first was correct, so I will continue visiting my daughter a few times per year, and keep weekly contact with her parents to ask how she is doing etc, her parents are also putting pictures on facebook which is nice for me and my family to get to see lilian (our daughter) growing up. I have been beating myself up for not feeling the strong father bond with my daughter, but psychologist has said that it is very normal and many fathers don't feel it even until the child starts to speak. Regardless of my feelings though I know what is right for her and that is me paying child support and visiting her occasionally, I hope that in the future when she grows up she will be more interested in me and we can start calling / skyping with each other. I am afraid that going to court might turn her parents against me and make the situation worse, so for now I have decided to give it some time and see how things develop. My family is supporting me, but I have decided to remain living with my parents for now so I can save money and perhaps go studying for a masters degree in the fall of 2012.

The crazy part through all of this is, that even though she has hit me, told me to die etc, I still keep thinking about her and if things could maybe work out. I guess that is because this was my first relationship, and I know I have to give up on it and move on with my life, because staying stuck here doesn't make either one of us happy and I know that my daughter would also want her dad to be happy. I am writing a few pages in a book for Lilian every week so that when she is old I can give her the book so she can read my feelings for her and my explanation for the whole situation. (I avoid any negative comments or talk about her mother in this as I know this is not good). Even though me and her mom can't get along I still want her to have a good bond with both her mother.

I have decided to avoid talking back to my ex about all the bad stuff, because I have noticed that things just won't end if I keep replying. Is it possible to get legal advice in The Netherlands or would I have to visit a solicitor in Finland?

Again, much thanks for your kind replies, this situation is very hard, but I hope it will make me stronger in the future, and that I will learn from this as a person and become a stronger person.

[rinso]

I am afraid that going to court might turn her parents against me and make the situation worse

It indeed is a last resort, but as I said, you need to be prepared for it.

Is it possible to get legal advice in The Netherlands or would I have to visit a solicitor in Finland?

A lawyer in Holland would hire a Finnish confrère for most of the work and you would get a double bill.
Best to make contact with a Finnish lawyer. After the first visit I guess most of the contacts can go through e-mail and telephone.
http://www.asianajajaliitto.fi/english

I am writing a few pages in a book for Lilian every week so that when she is old I can give her the book so she can read my feelings for her and my explanation for the whole situation.

I suppose you're writing in English for her? Don't count on her ever learning to read Dutch.
My children speak reasonably well Dutch because we speak it at home, but reading it is a bridge to far.

[dutchguy]

Yes the book I'm writing for her is in English.

[QUINCY]

Hi Dutchguy, i think you are absolutely taking the right steps towards this situation, avoid taking a legal action since her parents are having some sort of support for you rather the money for legal fees open a bank account for Lilian and save towards her growing up. As water finds its level, Lilian will surely find you as her father as she keeps growing up.

[dutchguy]

Thank you all so much for the advice and support given, I can't begin to tell how much I appreciate this, naturally it is very hard to live apart from my daughter, but I hope it will get easier with time.

So things changed again, the mother suddenly send me a text out of the blue apologizing for all the things she said and did and asked if I could forgive her. I told her I could, and that I do still love her, but that I don't see any future together (as this type of situation keeps happening over and over), at least she hopes we could be friends in the future, and is now willing to show me my daughter on skype again and even invited me to my daughters birthday! I have decided now that I will focus all my attention on my daughter, while trying to keep things civil with my ex, it's hard to talk with her given that I still have feelings for her, but I know this roller coaster of hate/love is the main reason for my depression and not a good situation for my daughter, therefore I have to give up on my ex and focus on my daughter. I think I will speak English with my daughter, as she is more likely to learn English than Dutch, since I don't get to talk to her enough, for her to learn Dutch.

[Cory]

So things changed again, the mother suddenly send me a text out of the blue apologizing for all the things she said and did and asked if I could forgive her.

Again, I apologise if I offend but the mother of your child sounds like she's manic or polar or something.

Tell the woman what she wants to hear for the sake of your daughter. As long as she thinks you're not demeaning her, at least your daughter gets to see her Dad.

[Mölkky-Fan]

I don't think you can jump to the conclusion that she is manic or polar or anything, remember you are hearing from one side of the argument. There would be many people locked up if doctors and psychiatrists listened always to what the other person in a break up said.

The girl has gone through a relationship where the man cannot commit to a relationship (but still hangs in there saying he loves her, but that he foresees trouble if they stay together), but still he felt it a good idea to father a child with her, but not to move out of his parent's home. She has little money, get's f all from the father and I am not surprised that she is angry.

I don't see it... too many loose terms thrown around... seems to me he is trying to convince himself and us too much.

[Cory]

I don't think you can jump to the conclusion that she is manic or polar or anything, remember you are hearing from one side of the argument

Of course not. Gotta read tongue in cheek!

[Mölkky-Fan]

I only read 'finger up nose'... 'tongue in cheek' looks a little too gay for me!

[Rip]

I don't think you can jump to the conclusion that she is manic or polar or anything, remember you are hearing from one side of the argument. There would be many people locked up if doctors and psychiatrists listened always to what the other person in a break up said.

The girl has gone through a relationship where the man cannot commit to a relationship (but still hangs in there saying he loves her, but that he foresees trouble if they stay together).

If we take his word for it the trouble is not potentially foreseeable in the future but also very much what you can see in the present and past. viewtopic.php?f=19&t=46142&p=386881#p386881

Obviously we have only one side of the argument but so what? This is no jury, or even city child-welfare office. If his description of the situation is not reasonably fair the only consequence is that any hints and tips he might get are of less use that what they might have been. Nobody else is going to suffer because of that.

[Mölkky-Fan]

I don't think you can jump to the conclusion that she is manic or polar or anything, remember you are hearing from one side of the argument. There would be many people locked up if doctors and psychiatrists listened always to what the other person in a break up said.

The girl has gone through a relationship where the man cannot commit to a relationship (but still hangs in there saying he loves her, but that he foresees trouble if they stay together).

If we take his word for it the trouble is not potentially foreseeable in the future but also very much what you can see in the present and past. viewtopic.php?f=19&t=46142&p=386881#p386881

Obviously we have only one side of the argument but so what? This is no jury, or even city child-welfare office. If his description of the situation is not reasonably fair the only consequence is that any hints and tips he might get are of less use that what they might have been. Nobody else is going to suffer because of that.

Yes.. um... right... but my point was that we should not jump to the conclusion that his ex is bi-polar or manic depressive based on what he said in his post, many of his previous posts point to why his ex might be acting strange... Cory's post was not clearly tongue in cheek, so I pointed it out (now I understand Cory was not being serious). If you are not for a two sided discussion then I will change my post to agree with everything he says and provide oodles of sympathy for him

[QUINCY]

I don't think you can jump to the conclusion that she is manic or polar or anything, remember you are hearing from one side of the argument. There would be many people locked up if doctors and psychiatrists listened always to what the other person in a break up said.

The girl has gone through a relationship where the man cannot commit to a relationship (but still hangs in there saying he loves her, but that he foresees trouble if they stay together).

If we take his word for it the trouble is not potentially foreseeable in the future but also very much what you can see in the present and past. viewtopic.php?f=19&t=46142&p=386881#p386881

Obviously we have only one side of the argument but so what? This is no jury, or even city child-welfare office. If his description of the situation is not reasonably fair the only consequence is that any hints and tips he might get are of less use that what they might have been. Nobody else is going to suffer because of that.

Yes.. um... right... but my point was that we should not jump to the conclusion that his ex is bi-polar or manic depressive based on what he said in his post, many of his previous posts point to why his ex might be acting strange... Cory's post was not clearly tongue in cheek, so I pointed it out (now I understand Cory was not being serious). If you are not for a two sided discussion then I will change my post to agree with everything he says and provide oodles of sympathy for him

Whether we heard either one side of the story or both sides, manic or bi-polar ex wife, is it too much to grant him time to see or visit the child he had with her if he is not of a questionable character? what is the too much dramas when there is split in the family, the both parties should agree on the natural things like allowing the child having time with both parents and stop hoarding the love that the child should have while growing up.

[Cory]

Whether we heard either one side of the story or both sides, manic or bi-polar ex wife, is it too much to grant him time to see or visit the child he had with her if he is not of a questionable character? what is the too much dramas when there is split in the family, the both parties should agree on the natural things like allowing the child having time with both parents and stop hoarding the love that the child should have while growing up.

Yup!

That's what it's all about when there's a little one involved. No matter how you feel about the other parent, you gotta suck it up just to allow child access to both parents. I can say that when I divorced 5 years ago, the last thing I wanted to do was to be within even 100 m of the ex but even though the marriage was a failure, our divorce has been a complete success and our son is well adjusted and "normal" even though his parents don't live together anymore.

It's all about the children.

[Mölkky-Fan]

I agree 100% Kids come first, whatever the problems between the parents.

[Rob A.]

....It's all about the children.

Yeah...and the kids know it!!!...