Going back home to Australia permanently. Need postage info!

[007]

[ojosverdes]

Hello,

I know you are back at home now but I read this board because I have the same situation but its backwards. I am a girl and the guy did the same thing to me. I had the same battles and Im nearly 40. I came here for love. My work sucked, the pay sucked but I was in love. I gave into him all the time, everything was always his way. I wasnt happy but at least I was with the one I love.

The thing that happened to me was..and hold your horses. My visa time came up for renewal and he didnt tell me anything but stayed with me and filed for divorce a month prior without telling me. Now I cant renew my visa, its too late. He did this on purpose so I would HAVE to go home. He is no shacking up with another woman while I am left to pick up the pieces. Finnish men never share their feelings and I was ok with that until it effected me this way. I really didnt know he was this unhappy. How can he just divorce me without telling me? I have to throw away everything I have gained after being here 2 years. I quit my job because I was going to study FInnish and therefore I didnt even have time to find woek when he finally told me he divorced me. I am in total shock. Finnish women arent the only ones who do act this way. I sold everyhting I own back home for this man, including my house! Now I have nothing really to go back to. I dont want to leave either but he knew if he acted this way Id have to leave the country and had never have to face me again. So you are lucky she didnt do that to you.

I REALLY wanted to stay, I have tons of friends and I enjoyed my life here. I just cant see how the government will let a man take everything from a woman or vice versa..even if they are foreign..

[AldenG]

The thing that happened to me was..and hold your horses. My visa time came up for renewal and he didnt tell me anything but stayed with me and filed for divorce a month prior without telling me. Now I cant renew my visa, its too late. He did this on purpose so I would HAVE to go home. He is no shacking up with another woman while I am left to pick up the pieces.

I'm sorry that happened. He sounds like a right bastard.

You should talk to Migri about this. Explain what you just explained to us. Take another Finn you know (or someone who speaks Finnish and one of your good languages really well) who can act as interpreter for you so that your situation is presented as well and clearly as possible.

To me it doesn't sound like you have anything to lose. You already think you have to leave. And maybe you do, but don't give up without a fight. Sometimes there are exceptions made for people who are married to Finns who behave badly like this. I don't know the exact rules about misbehavior of the Finnish spouse but there is something in the rules about an abusive spouse and for all I know, they may give you a renewal -- at least for six months while you try to sort things. Your divorce won't be final for at least 6 months from filing, anyway. Right now and for that time, you're still married. Don't roll over and play dead for this worm of a man. If YOU stand up for yourself, maybe the worker who handles your application will stand up for you, too. No guarantees, but sometimes people do the right thing.

Put in your renewal before the deadline so that you can keep the fight going.

Are there people like his parents or mutual friends who may be sympathetic and put pressure on him about this slimey behavior and pressure him not to make it worse by making up lies about you.

So I suppose it's only appropriate to mention that Kutittaa, the original poster of this thread, went home but soon came back to Finland and is working to put things right. I don't think putting things right will happen with your husband, but there are people even in bureaucracies who expect Finns who marry foreigners to behave better than your husband. This constitutes abandonment of you and manipulation of the bureaucracy, and some bureaucrats get angry about stuff like that.

[ojosverdes]

The thing that happened to me was..and hold your horses. My visa time came up for renewal and he didnt tell me anything but stayed with me and filed for divorce a month prior without telling me. Now I cant renew my visa, its too late. He did this on purpose so I would HAVE to go home. He is no shacking up with another woman while I am left to pick up the pieces.

I'm sorry that happened. He sounds like a right bastard.

ON EDIT: I'm fixing this part below. Broke it just before submitting and didn't notice.

You should talk to Migri about this. Explain what you just explained to us. And maybe you do, but don't give up without a fight. Take another Finn you know (or someone who speaks Finnish really well) who can act as interpreter for you so that your situation is presented as well and clearly as possible.

To me it doesn't sound like you have anything to lose. You already think you have to leave. And sometimes there are exceptions made for people who are married to Finns who behave badly like this. I don't know the exact rules about misbehavior of the Finnish spouse but there is something in the rules about an abusive spouse and for all I know, they may give you a renewal.

So I suppose it's only appropriate to mention that Kutittaa, the original poster of this thread, went home but soon came back to Finland and is working to put things right. I don't think putting things right will happen with your husband, but there are people even in bureaucracies who expect Finns who marry foreigners to behave better than your husband.

Im so hurt I haven't eaten or slept for days. I did talk to them and they said it was possible for me to stay but Id have to take some other permit than status A and that wouldnt grant me Kela rights. He said the abuse thing is hard to prove unless you have legally documents (poliisi) abuse cases. He never abused me, he just abandoned me. Anyway I was speaking with the police. Where the officers thought he was an ass and Im NON EU, they didnt see much hope for this working out. Of course I could write all of my issues down and apply, pay the 200 euros and then if the decision was negative I would have to leave immediately. I didnt wanna take that chance because Im scared. I dont have much money now and I can afford to go home. 6 months from now with no job, I wouldnt be able to afford to go home. SO you see I am stuck. Thanks for your advice anyway.

[AldenG]

Now I finished fixing my post above.

Get some sleep and some food and find someone on your side to help you work through this. You may have more choices than you think. When one is young and traumatized, it is rare to think clearly or to recognize the full range of options and resources. I've experienced that myself more than once in other contexts.

[AldenG]

BTW, abandonment like this IS abusive in and of itself.

Will his parents help you financially through this crisis phase or has he lied to them or are they the same kinds of miserable human beings he is?

I am happy to say of my parents that if I had ever done something as bad as this to a wife or even a well-established girlfriend and she had turned to them, I am sure they would have helped her, read the riot act to me, and put all the pressure they could on me to make it right.

Has either of you owned any property or money? Because if he has either, half of it belongs to you.

[Rip]

when he finally told me he divorced me.

A detail, but how did he exactly tell you? If the original divorce filing isn't signed by both of you (as it obviously wasn't), there are formal rules this notification needs to meet ("Honey, by the way I filed for a divorce month ago", won't do)

[Kutittaa]

Wow I'm really sorry to hear about what you happened to you. Like Rip said, I am back in Finland now and I've moved mountains to try and bridge the gap that was in my relationship due to miscommunication and well, sometimes lack of communication in general. As you would know relationships can be an extremely tricky thing.

To be honest when my wife pretty much gave me no choice but to return home I felt the same way you do now. Perhaps your situation was more severe but it still felt like the end of the world to me. I had family back home who were dying to see me and who were happy to have me come back, but that isn't what I wanted. I wanted to stay, even though it didn't really matter in the long run I felt like I had wasted my time here and I wanted the time I had spent to count for something, rather than nothing.

Without rambling on, I want to ask you something. Putting everything aside, your horrid husband, your friends, your crushed hopes and dreams etc. I want to ask you something.

Do you love Finland, and do you want to live here?

Because if you do, you still can!

It might be hard and it might be crazy but if you want to stay here, you really can. Don't go home just yet! I know you're 40 but surely you can ask your parents or someone for just a bit of financial help. It's horrible that this guy is such a coward that he didn't even give you any time to be able to make things right or even yell at him over it. This sort of thing is absolutely horrible and basically it's a worst-case nightmare scenario for any one of us.

It might sound shallow, but you're an immigrant girl. There are a lot of other single Finnish men out there, and it might sound shallow but I doubt it would be hard for you to simply find someone else or hit it off with a friend perhaps. You've got a few years here under your belt or whatever already. You know the ropes and you know what is required of you. If you filed for divorce and remarried you could stay. It depends how badly you want to stay. I know things might seem really, really hard but you can always come back just as long as you have a legal way to stay over the normal 3 months. The funny thing is, I had already applied for my extension and then my wife told me that things weren't working out and that we should try living in Australia. I left and then realised that it would be impossible to have a life even 10% as comfortable as what we had in Finland so we worked on me coming back. Or well... I worked on coming back. It's an incredibly long, complicated and very boring story which I don't want to go into. But I worked really hard to make things right, I swallowed my pride and spent 100% of my time back in Aust working and saving for another chance. I don't count anything that happened from the day that my wife and I had that fight or even the 2 months I spent in Australia, or even yesterday for that matter. I need to look to the future, and I need to let the past lay. Nothing matters now except for today and tomorrow. All I know is that due to whatever happened, in the end I got to be where I wanted, (here) and with who I wanted (her) and I am a better man because of it, and she is a better woman. In the end it has only brought us closer together.

Part of me wishes that I had listened to everyone and told my wife that I was not leaving. Part of me wishes I'd just moved out and gotten my own place for some time apart. But only a very small part of me, because it doesn't matter so much 'how you get there' as to 'where you are going'. And in the end I got what I wanted and to be where I wanted.

So think to yourself. Do you really want to stay, and will you work hard? It won't be comfortable for awhile, but it won't be when you go back home either.

I don't know what to say really, I am really tired now and normally I wouldn't have replied because I should be asleep. But I really wanted to try and offer some help. No matter how crazy it sounds that you should try and stay. I really think you should give it a shot because you may never come back and that would be really sad. Either way if my wife had done this to me, I really would have made sure that she was left with nothing, as you have been left with nothing.

I am sorry things are so complicated but that is life and that is what relationships are. I know that after years, one really can face the truth that they could be sent back home to nothing, not even a house or a family. But that is the way things are... Now I make sure that I safeguard myself a little. I trust my wife completely, but I still want to make sure that if one day something life changing was to happen and if it was even my choice to leave the relationship for whatever reason. That I would have something to fall back on and nothing wrapped around my neck. I hope, no... I am sure that when I am older I won't need to worry about such things but for the time being. Once burned, lesson learned. It won't happen again.

[Kutittaa]

After having a coffee and reading your post a little better I really think that you should explore other 'options' with your friends, if you know what I mean. Your ex has made it pretty obvious that he has moved on and I think the faster you move on the better. It might sound horrible both ways but you should drop the past and worry about your future now. There will be time to mourn in the future when you have stabilised yourself once again. You have friends here, I am sure that somewhere you have a family. Maybe it's time to see how much you mean to those people. Because if the same had happened to your little sister, or brother or if your friend would have turned up on your door, you would have helped them. There is nothing embarrassing or condemning about needing assistance now, especially in your situation.

For @#$% sake, just don't give up hope just yet. I don't know where you are from, but it doesn't matter if you were from next-door Sweden. Going back home is a huge thing. You are non-EU so unless you're Russian you're got a hell of a long way to travel and that means life is very different where you are from.

People have survived through worse, I know it seems like that might be garbage but it's true. You sound like you have a brain in your head. Your husband might have planned this though but you don't want him to get his way do you? Disappear like the wind. Sign the papers and forget about him entirely... you never know what it could be like starting up a relationship with another man. It could be the easiest, safest and most comfortable (after the storm) thing you've ever done. Life is like that sometimes. You can be shattered on the rocks one moment, then basking in the sunlight on the next.

[AldenG]

Yeah I missed the '40' part but you are still younger than you feel at the moment.

[ojosverdes]

Yeah I missed the '40' part but you are still younger than you feel at the moment.

Thank you guys for all of that advice. I have thought much about this since I found out. I cannot even see myself with another man right now. The though of someone else makes me wanna vomit. I was soo in love, I dont know how he didnt feel the same way. Sure, I look younger than 40, and sure I can meet other men, but I dont want to rely on a man to keep me. I would be miserable. I had a job with a decent salary but it is rare in FInland that foreign spouses find good jobs like that. I quit it because of our plan and look where trusting him completely with my life got me. If I were 25 or so, I would stay and fight. I am used to certain things now and uncertainty scares me. I hope you can respect that. I just dont know how much is in me anymore.


Plus, its very difficult to meet a finnish man right away in say 2 weeks and then ask him to do anything like help you. Finnish men arent like American men (yes Im american) They dont rescue the women they like. HEck you cant even get them many of them to commit to marriage. Plus there is the language barrier thats difficult in dating. I have heard many of the difficulties about dating Finnish men from my foreign friends who are single. They just give up after a time.

I dont think I have the tenacity to fight this hard anymore. This is soo hard. I could go back home and find a great paying job tomorrow. The only jobs here that await me are serving coffee, or English daycare. That is a blow to the ego for an educated woman who has made her own way with a very high salary for many years. YOu are right, once I leave there is no coming back. It is going to hurt like hell, which is has already. I know in the end this is the best for me. The other hard thing is to try not to be bitter.


I have loved Finland but I am more scared of insecurity at this point in my life. My husband is 32, so he has plenty of time to go where here wants. Im still not over the fact he knew I wanted to have a child and still did this to me. I dunno what happened really. He was always telling me he didnt like dating FInnish women anymore. He told me he was tired of how distant and moody they were. He liked that I wa so romantic and loving. He left me for a Finnish woman

oh and I called and the original divorce does not have to be signed by both parties. This law was started to protect women from staying in abusive relationships but in this case it was misused. The guy used the law to abuse ME. The divorce comes final in 6 months even if I like it or not. WE have no kids and no shared property.

[Rip]

oh and I called and the original divorce does not have to be signed by both parties.

True, but the six months time period starts then only when you've been officially notified. Have you signed some papers for that effect?

As for the main issue, tricky...

I do see chances for staying here, but if your employment prospects back where you come from are far better than here then I can understand if you do not feel motivated enough.

Regarding money - do you have a prenuptial agreement?

[Cory]

I've just sent you an email. My life, 6 years ago, as many old-timers on here will remember, was very similar to yours. Non EU and married (with young children) to an uncommunicative husband.

I'm now thriving again, remarried and happy.

Please drop me a line. When I was going through all this crap, an unknown angel dropped me a line which made a huge difference in how I perceived my situation. I'd like to return the favour.

Take care of yourself!

[ojosverdes]

oh and I called and the original divorce does not have to be signed by both parties.

True, but the six months time period starts then only when you've been officially notified. Have you signed some papers for that effect?

No I havent actually looked at the papers yet. At this point and now that the probability that I will go back home has set in, I just want to to be over so Ill just sign. I think we can both agree and it will be over soon. I would fight if there was a way to stay in Finland but I dont have a good enough job so. The saddest thing is my heart is actually here, I have settled so well.

And no there is no prenuptial agreement.

[Samer2010]

@ojosverdes,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It is very tough and painful, But, Breaking up somehow is pretty much like a death of a loved one which in the beginning feels terribly devastating but time heals almost everything. Get it?

I don't wanna sound like Phil McGraw, But you sound like you did everything to make it a successful relationship and we were very sincere, But it turns out that he is a despicable jerk. So, He's just not worth it, He doesn't deserve your love. You're better off without him. Period. Never ever drop a tear for him. Just DON'T.

Staying here in Finland or not is something up to you to decide, But, Make sure to think with your mind - Not with your heart. Nevertheless, I believe it is better for you to leave this country (Not because Finland is not a good place to live in), But, I think the best treatment to get over a break up is to move on and start a new life that doesn't remind you of painful memories.

If you feel you wanna talk about anything (Anything at all), I will be here for you (PM me).

Lastly and most importantly, Don't be too hard on yourself, You did nothing wrong, and always remember when one door closes another door opens.