Going back home to Australia permanently. Need postage info!

[AldenG]

Finnish men arent like American men (yes Im american) They dont rescue the women they like.

The two stereotypes I've absorbed from Finnish media and entertainment are #1 that Finnish women want to be rescued FROM sullen and essentially passive-aggressive Finnish men -- not BY them -- and, paradoxically, that in Finland it is the woman who rules the household with a sarcastic tongue and a hefty rolling pin. (Not sure what the rolling pin has given way to in more modern times, but the stereotype persists in movies and TV shows about the present.) These are self-perpetuating fictional cliches, of course, and it's hard to know whether they were originally based more on truth or on novelty (and thus untruth). What's unavoidable is that there are people who end up unconsciously modeling themselves after them in the absence of any better guidance.

I recall one wife in one of the countless Niskavuori movies (but one of the best ones) who batted her eyes and openly solicited a rescuer, but she was presented from start to finish as a laughable character.

Your ex-to-be will eventually recognize what he lost but I know that's little solace for this kind of betrayal.

[Kutittaa]

^AldenG is right. Your ex is in for a big surprise. I remember Persuivant's quote *chuckle* "You're married to a Finn? My sincerest condolences "

I'm really sorry to see you go. Not just for this, but in general it's always horrid when you have to do something like this that you really don't want to.

I just don't want you to think that going back to your home country is 'the light at the end of the rainbow' when in reality so much will have changed since you have been there. And you might decide even after a day or two that you should have stayed, but it will be too late. I really, really think you should fight to stay here just a bit longer and see what happens. Every day is a new day, I wish I had fought a little bit and lived off noodles if needs be just to get a few days piece of mind. It would have changed a lot of things for me. I would have been able to still take the Uni exams, I'd still be 'in the system' etc. it would have been a much smarter choice. But I wanted to send a message to my wife that she couldn't control me, and my family welcomed me with open arms. My father still sort of wished that he had told me that I couldn't come back and to work it out, but that the pain in my voice convinced him that even though it was the first time, that it was too serious to turn down.

Anyway forget about me, think about yourself. I just don't want you going home as I did and then realising that life is no where near as comfortable as to what you have gotten used to in Finland. For me, that is the absolute best advice I can give you now.

[ojosverdes]

^AldenG is right. Your ex is in for a big surprise. I remember Persuivant's quote *chuckle* "You're married to a Finn? My sincerest condolences "

I'm really sorry to see you go. Not just for this, but in general it's always horrid when you have to do something like this that you really don't want to.

I just don't want you to think that going back to your home country is 'the light at the end of the rainbow' when in reality so much will have changed since you have been there. And you might decide even after a day or two that you should have stayed, but it will be too late. I really, really think you should fight to stay here just a bit longer and see what happens. Every day is a new day, I wish I had fought a little bit and lived off noodles if needs be just to get a few days piece of mind. It would have changed a lot of things for me. I would have been able to still take the Uni exams, I'd still be 'in the system' etc. it would have been a much smarter choice. But I wanted to send a message to my wife that she couldn't control me, and my family welcomed me with open arms. My father still sort of wished that he had told me that I couldn't come back and to work it out, but that the pain in my voice convinced him that even though it was the first time, that it was too serious to turn down.

I know what you mean, I dont want to live off of noodles though. my standard of living was actually way better in the US just because I was set in my career. Only my husband couldnt get any satisfying work with his training. His chances were better here. I wanted to raise his self esteem not lower it so I took the raw end of the deal, and a salary cut to come here. I didnt actually ever like my job here so the great thing about Finland to me was my friends, I LOVe, LOVE not having a car(public transportation), and I like not having to count up sick days, that provides a lot of freedom of mind actually.

I dont have a good safety net back home like you do. My parents are just about dead and once they die Im basically alone. I dont have anyone to really stay with to help me get situated. My parents are right now able to help me but who knows in 6 months if they will be able or alive to help. I could really end up in a homeless shelter in NYC with the American EMbassy funding my plane ride back home. I literally lost everything for this man, including my life savings for us to see each other and get settled into our flat. I could fight, yes and my parents wante me back home yes. The reality for me is that if the Finnish govt doesnt give me pity, and well since I could never argue America is bad to go back to, they wont have any sympathy for a middle age white educated woman. Im basically down to if I dont get a decent paying job, meaning at least 2,500 euros a month, it is not worth it for me to risk ending up in a homeless shelter, wouldnt you agree?

Anyway forget about me, think about yourself. I just don't want you going home as I did and then realising that life is no where near as comfortable as to what you have gotten used to in Finland. For me, that is the absolute best advice I can give you now.

[misnomere]

ojosverdes,

1) You should stop wasting your time posting here, Use this time in doing something else more useful for yourself e.g. looking for a decent job, packing to go home...etc

2) You shouldn't listen to any fool who tells you to stay here in Finland without a good job.

3) Well, If you think that you deserve a life were you only can afford low quality Euro Shopper products, then, it is your decision.

[Rip]

No I havent actually looked at the papers yet.

Probably would be a good idea to ask some native you can trust to look at them first, perhaps even a lawyer (one that would be familiar with family and immigration law). As it is I guess your six months waiting period hasn't started, maybe the divorce hasn't been even filed yet officially - although I assume one of you has moved out what used to be your home.

And no there is no prenuptial agreement.

Then basically what you two own should be split in two equal parts. Do you know what he owns? With short marriages this might not be followed fully in each and every case, but it also seems you were the one who made (also) most financial sacrifices here.

[Pursuivant]

Plus, its very difficult to meet a finnish man right away in say 2 weeks and then ask him to do anything like help you.

Yeah, usually you get asked to depart from your cash the first night. But true, I'm over adopting abandoned puppies but I had a few mates who did that. Won't say its entertaining, but I guess they like the euphoria.

Finnish men arent like American men (yes Im american) They dont rescue the women they like.

Jebus gives woman, you try "rescue" a Finnish woman and she'll find somewhere stashed the bra her grandma refused to burn in the 60's and strangle you with it.

Heck you cant even get them many of them to commit to marriage.

Cuaes more complications when the woman decides she wants a change.

Plus there is the language barrier thats difficult in dating. I have heard many of the difficulties about dating Finnish men from my foreign friends who are single. They just give up after a time.

Where the hell boondocks y'all live at? I can understand the complaint if you're living somewhere that produced sawmill operator Hakkarainen, but I can tell you the 10 odd years I circled Helsinki nightlife and the expat circles there wasn't much if any free women around. A lot of two-timing foreign blokes tho. But yeah, one could get some Finnish sloppy seconds not letting the language barrier drop, once the girls heard you're native they ran away. Single foreign women? You must be kidding. Ain't such things except in dirty magazine stories.

That is a blow to the ego for an educated woman who has made her own way with a very high salary for many years.

He liked that I wa so romantic and loving. He left me for a Finnish woman

See now ya done scared it and it ran away. Well, if your mind is set, and the calculations do make sense, how was it now... Better to have lived, loved and lost than not to have lived but never loved.

And yes, I'm 42 and single, but I wouldn't fart in Helsinki direction these days. Its Cambridge for the boogie nights.

[007]

If you have been in Finland for over 2 years, you perhaps don't need to renew your A permit (family residence permit) anytime soon. First one is for 1 year and then for 4 years. So, out of curiosity, are you still on your first permit?

[Pursuivant]

my standard of living was actually way better in the US just because I was set in my career. Only my husband couldnt get any satisfying work with his training. His chances were better here. I wanted to raise his self esteem not lower it so I took the raw end of the deal, and a salary cut to come here.

Where the *hell* do these retards find these kinds of women? F* me on a pogo stick I'd become a toilet attendant if I'd been given an opportunity like that when I was 32... f* training... well, I did retrain when I was 30 so I'm used to jumping careers... damn, I need to get a lobotomy or something, does the NHS cover it I wonder?

[Pursuivant]

And no there is no prenuptial agreement.

Then basically what you two own should be split in two equal parts. Do you know what he owns? With short marriages this might not be followed fully in each and every case, but it also seems you were the one who made (also) most financial sacrifices here.

Question though, was the flat rented or owned, and was it then the mortgage in whose name? Thumb rule is, whatever the parties put in the "common pot" hitching up, including purchasing the pot, its a 50:50 split of the "common". Theres no such thing as alimony, except for underaged kids, but financials need to be settled fairly.

[Rip]

If you have been in Finland for over 2 years, you perhaps don't need to renew your A permit (family residence permit) anytime soon. First one is for 1 year and then for 4 years. So, out of curiosity, are you still on your first permit?

I was bit wondering that myself... I thought she might have been here first on some other kind of permit, waited a very long time for the first permit or blundered and renewed the first permit late. Otherwise she should not be in quite this bad fix right now.

[Kutittaa]

^We've all been wondering that but the rule of thumb says "Up to 4 years" Many people have come onto the forums saying "It said 4 years, why did I only get 2 etc."

Word for word, it's "Up to 4 years" I guess she didn't get a 4 year one. Also, termination of a marriage is enough grounds for termination of the permit. Especially if one does not have work. That is also written.

[Rip]

Many people have come onto the forums saying "It said 4 years, why did I only get 2 etc."

They have (in this permit class)?

Also, termination of a marriage is enough grounds for termination of the permit.

True, but it is not automatic, and they are going to be legally married for a further six months or so.

[ojosverdes]

If you have been in Finland for over 2 years, you perhaps don't need to renew your A permit (family residence permit) anytime soon. First one is for 1 year and then for 4 years. So, out of curiosity, are you still on your first permit?

I was bit wondering that myself... I thought she might have been here first on some other kind of permit, waited a very long time for the first permit or blundered and renewed the first permit late. Otherwise she should not be in quite this bad fix right now.

I came originally on a work permit. Its a really long and complicated story but this is my first family ties permit.

[ajdias]

Hi,

just so that you know, given that you have little income, if you need legal assistance with immigration and/or divorce you can get the services of a qualified lawyer for free - google "oikeusapu".
Contact a lawyer and they'll let you know if your case merits their intervention.