Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

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camomila
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Joined: Thu May 07, 2009 2:39 pm

Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by camomila » Sat May 16, 2009 10:36 am

Hi!

I am a single mother of two children. I would like to hear your experiences after getting divorced and keeping the children with you.
How was your start? How do you manage? How do you picture yourself in...about 3 or 5 years? I am certain that you all are great fighters or survivers!

I divorced two years ago and "some" believed I was going to fail, I was not going to manage. I proved them wrong. I have an appartment, a have a good job, my children are happy and fine, and I get to enjoy life...I consider myself to be both, a surviver and a fighter.



Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

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Flossy1978
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Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2007 3:38 pm

Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by Flossy1978 » Sat May 16, 2009 12:26 pm

I am a foreigner and now a single Mum to one.

I just moved into a kerrostalo this past week. My husband kept the house because he can pay the mortgage, I can't.

It's hard when it's so fresh. But my husband and I are good friends. I don't hate him, nor am I angry at him for wanting a divorce. You can't blame someone if their feelings change. He's treating our son and myself very good and will be paying me very good child support. I have a basic job, but it's much better pay than working in alepa or cleaning. I make enough to survive and raise our son with.

I hate living in a flat and I've only been here one night so far. My neighbour keeps playing really loud thumping music and it's very hot this flat and in the centre of a small town, not Helsinki, Vantaa or Espoo. I don't mind not living in one of those cities. I sacrificed moving back to the capital and making my own life better so my son can have a close relationship with his Father. They are very close and even though my soon to be ex-husband has taken everything I knew from me and left me with little, I can't keep him from his son. Both of us think only of our son and each other and it has helped us.

I am not a strong person. Rather weak. I've been dependent on my Husband for so long now (10 years), I am kind of dying inside now I am alone. I do have a few friends and I have a former host family from when I was an exchange student here, so I am not totally alone. But I am still lonely in a way. I also have chronic pain from a prolapsed disc that is just getting worse, and that makes things extra hard. I am not allowed to work at the moment and can barely do anything, so it makes it hard to get back into the rythym of life and out of this depressive funk this divorce has caused me. Going to find out next week what is going to happen to me. I think I'll be having surgery. Then I'll be free of pain and can get on with my life :)

I do know I'll be ok whatever happens. I may be alone, but I will be ok eventually.

You are a strong sounding woman :) Why did people think you'd fail? If you live nearby, maybe we could meet up? My son is 4 1/2 years old.


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Cory
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Location: Turku

Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by Cory » Sat May 16, 2009 1:59 pm

I just passed the 3 year point on Mother's Day! Yes, the ex proposed a separation on MDay in 2006. He is such a thoughtful sort! :)

Water under the bridge now, though. In the beginning it was pretty freaky with a young child but before I got married I had been an independent woman, albeit sans children, so I knew that I'd get back into the swing of things again. The biggest challenge was finding the balance between finding time just for me and my need to grieve the end of the marriage and my then 6 year old son. I put him first and made sure that I was dealing with everything in a positive light.
In the beginning, I remember not being able to sleep because of the enormous responsibilty that I had. I kept thinking "if I get sick or injured, what happens then?" I ran out and bought insurance to give me piece of mind! It helped a bit. :)

I sought out a family therapist for he and I. Although he was young, he still had lots to say about the divorce and I learned how to talk with him about his (and my) feelings. I can't recommend therapy enough for parents and kids who divorce. Parents go through so much emotional stuff that we sometimes forget about the feelings of our kids and the kids many times don't want to talk about their own feelings out of fear of upsetting the already upset parents.

I am a strong person and I never felt sorry for myself nor did I go through depression or deep sorrow over the split. I was sad for a long time but it ran it's course in about 6 months. I'm now remarried but I still consider myself a single-parent. I have an issue of letting go of the complete responsibility for my son. My son was young enough that he didn't have a big problem with accepting a new man in my life. They have a good relationship and my kid now has 2 older step-brothers. He loves that!

Life goes on.. :)
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Flossy1978
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Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by Flossy1978 » Sat May 16, 2009 2:24 pm

You're right :)

That's what I've learnt over the last few months. I am no longer like I was in the beginning, full of self pity etc. I am still sad, but that's normal. There will always be some bit of sadness. You aren't human if you lose all feelings about something that failed, about someone that you loved very much. I think my back problems are the biggest factor for my depression, my doctor said this to me. Just cause it makes it harder in an already hard situation. But I am actually very very very lucky. I have a very good ex-husband to be who is taking very good care of me and who will continue to for however long it takes for me to learn how to be independent etc.

All I know now and have learnt is, I will be ok. Whatever comes my way, I will be ok and this is what helps me get through the day.

But I still hate living in a kerrostalo LOL. I am allowed to feel self pity for that LOL LOL LOL.

This is the second day I am living on my own and I went shopping this morning to fill my fridge up with all the foods my son likes to eat. He is at a summer cottage with his Father this weekend. I had a good time trying to remember all the things he likes to eat. I couldn't think what should I buy for myself? LOL.

In my darkest times I wanted so bad to go home to my home country with my son and horrible feelings of self pity etc. But that is all over with now. I just focus on my son now and what is good. Like I will be getting better opportunities at work because of this divorce. Because my ex is a big boss there, but now we aren't married, I have more opportunities and no one can say 'favourtism'.

So there are lots of positive things to outweigh the negative things :)


camomila
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Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by camomila » Sat May 16, 2009 11:02 pm

Flossy, I thing that feeling sad at this point is quite normal. The fact that your marriage ended a short time ago is a motive to feeling sad. It just takes time to adjust to this new way of living. I can tell you that in my case, I felt relief when I divorced. I was in a kind of invisible jail and I just got out. Like you, I was left with very little when I divorced as I was cheated by the person I trusted the most. After I divorced, I was homeless for one day (luckily) but I found my way through. This happened 3 years ago, so I can say I am stronger. I have learnt. That will happen to you too. Our kids are the resource of our everyday strengh. It just comes naturally.
It would be nice to meet.


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ajdias
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Re: Life as a single dad after divorce

Post by ajdias » Sun May 17, 2009 12:49 am

There must be some spring effect visible on divorce stats... I also divorced in May, on the 17th (exactly 2 years ago). At first I felt a great relief but also very scary - I grew up in a very conservative catholic family and divorce wasn't ever a option to me. If I knew then what I now know I'd do it earlier.

It took me over a year to overcome what I saw as a major failure and to get back on my feet. Now I have a great relationship with my kids and feel much better with myself and my life, even more than when I was single and in my 20s.
It's not easy and I don't spend as much time with my kids as I'd like to because of my work, but they do definitely know that their parents love them.


TERI
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Location: Tallinn

Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by TERI » Mon May 18, 2009 10:40 am

I moved out from my partner in the beginning of this May. We have a 2 year old girl. We grew appart, we didn´t want the same things, I was starting to be a whining broad who was never happy. I realised that I didn´t want to became such a frustrated bi-atch, althoug he didn´t mind. He didn´t even notice me. Our relationship ended long before I moved out. Sad. Very sad. I still live close to him, cause the child is with him when I work from 9 to 5. He has a different shcedual so he gets to spend a lot of time with the child. I try to be polite and friendly but he is resentful and angry with me. I understand.

I consider myself as a strong person but the lonelyness hits sometimes and I just want to cry out loud... Time heals, they say. It gets better, I´m sure.

Stay strong! :thumbsup:


Flossy1978
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Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2007 3:38 pm

Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by Flossy1978 » Mon May 18, 2009 10:33 pm

You people are an inspiration :)

Today my soon to be ex actually was sad he has to go home to a cold old house while I have this nice warm modern flat. Computer stopped working, so he came and fixed it for me. I am one of the lucky ones that has an ex that really cares for me and we can be on good terms. It has really helped to keep our son grounded and not too disrupted.

I found out today I'll be having spine surgery asap. That will help me immensely to overcome all the crap that has happened and be able to get on with life because being in pain 24/7 with no pain relief (no painkiller I've taken in two years has helped) is a son of a bitch and doesn't help with the whole situation.


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RA
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Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by RA » Tue May 19, 2009 12:19 am

Flossy1978 wrote: I found out today I'll be having spine surgery asap. That will help me immensely to overcome all the crap that has happened and be able to get on with life because being in pain 24/7 with no pain relief (no painkiller I've taken in two years has helped) is a son of a bitch and doesn't help with the whole situation.
:thumbsup: Congratulations Flossy. Hope you'll have a very speedy recovery!!!!! :rose:
saving chimpanzees is a big hairy deal


dampa
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Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by dampa » Tue May 19, 2009 1:07 am

Flossy1978, I pray for your quick recovery :thumbsup:


Flossy1978
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Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2007 3:38 pm

Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by Flossy1978 » Tue May 19, 2009 9:15 am

Thanks :) I am scared, but happy to be getting out of pain finally.

Sorry if I hijacked the thread. It went off to the side a bit LOL.


fon
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Joined: Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:37 pm

Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by fon » Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:02 pm

Hi i am a new member in this forum.I am a single mother and i am finding it really very difficult.I am looking for a job so that i can be able to take care of my daughter and i.If anybody in this forum has any connections or knows how i can get one i would be very grateful.Any job ,so far as i can use it to pay my bills and take care of my daughter.I speak English,French and very little Finnish.In case any one has any information he or she can get me using this number 0509343882.or email me [email protected]


Nparshar
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:43 am

Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by Nparshar » Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:49 am

I was checking this topic, but no post since 2010 so far. Anyone out there to talk of his or her life after divorce with children!


Nparshar
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:43 am

Re: Life as a single mom/dad after divorce

Post by Nparshar » Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:55 am

Just new here - anyone out there?


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