I wrecked my life - cannot live here, cannot return

[agroot]

My experience is completely opposite. My life was perhaps very easy, I always considered responsibilities and practical problem as something extraordinary. I always tried to rush over them s fast as possible (e.g. over exams in school), to make my mind free to focus hobbies and interests.

When I finished PhD I was thinking the last exam is over and now I can relax. But people pushed me to go abroad to gain experience and advance academic carrier. I was thinking it is just an other exam, which I can rush-over and finally get back to my confort zone forever. I never considered staying abroad longer than necessary.

But now I realized my confort zone no longer exist. I will never feel secure again, free of practical concerns, and focused on my hobbies and interests.

Life here is in fact much easier to me, feels like retirement - just need some planning and preparation. It won't take much of your time, but save time in long term. You could keep things organized by very trivial habits such as using Google Sheet for budget, calendar for future events and make a TODO list on Google Keep every week (laundry, buy something somewhere, pay off bill, etc), and route planning whenever you need to go somewhere - that way you'd always have enough money and time, and free of worries.

Now I see that with this mindest, I should have avoid going abroad at any cost. Just I did not realized it.

I never realized my country is such a !"#¤% until I moved here. But since you were in central europe you might not have much to look up to here But you could at least try - What are the difficulties? What do you spend most of your time and effort on? List all problems and then try to find solutions or workarounds one by one. Your reason for being here in the first place still stands, yes?

[asiJa]

I never realized my country is such a !"#¤% until I moved here. But since you were in central europe you might not have much to look up to here But you could at least try - What are the difficulties? What do you spend most of your time and effort on? List all problems and then try to find solutions or workarounds one by one. Your reason for being here in the first place still stands, yes?

What country you come from?

I don't have practical difficulties right now. I still have well paid job with loose schedule, I still have savings, I can still easily afford food and flat and save half of salary. My biggest problem is anxiety about future and regret of the past, that things only get worse. I lost ability to focus on deep mental work, motivation and interest in topics of my study, as well as hobbies. Therefore they will kick me out from uni sooner or later. It is already 6 months not getting better. They already see how useless I am. I alienated my girlfriend and my family. She is returning to home country, and she does not want me to go with her (I was living in her flat before). I was always very dependent on her (both emotionally and practically).

My reason for going to Finland here was ill-conceived, indecisiveness and bad planning and bad self-perception.

I did not want to stop my promising academic carrier, and

After PhD I was already 2x doing some project abroad. I always felt terrible homesick, depression, anxiety, I quit after few months and returned back to my girlfriend and former supervisor. Also already during PhD I was frustrated by many aspects of science work (traveling, not sure if project make sense, if I do something useful, lack of short term reward, problems with self-management, responsibility for projects and money). I don't know why I believed this time it will be different. I just hesitated to discard my promising academic carried (great publication profile) and go to industry. I was actually accpeted as programmer in game company, and it was quite fine, but I left after 2 months to go to Finland (worst decission ever). I also lured my girfriend to go to Finland (she is attracted to traveling), she canceled her job, and I did not want to loose her by pulling back.

[agroot]

After PhD I was already 2x doing some project abroad. I always felt terrible homesick, depression, anxiety, I quit after few months and returned back to my girlfriend and former supervisor. Also already during PhD I was frustrated by many aspects of science work (traveling, not sure if project make sense, if I do something useful, lack of short term reward, problems with self-management, responsibility for projects and money). I don't know why I believed this time it will be different. I just hesitated to discard my promising academic carried (great publication profile) and go to industry. I was actually accpeted as programmer in game company, and it was quite fine, but I left after 2 months to go to Finland (worst decission ever). I also lured my girfriend to go to Finland (she is attracted to traveling), she canceled her job, and I did not want to loose her by pulling back.

It seems like you two were quite hot headed. I wish I could afford to make decision like that

If you have no more reason staying, go back, or somewhere you would love. If it'd be easier back home, then go home. What you lost in the past is irrelevant.

[asiJa]

It seems like you two were quite hot headed. I wish I could afford to make decision like that

No, I would not consider me neither her hot headed. Rather the opposite. I was always very cautious avoiding big decission and responsibility. I avoided doing driving licence, going for erasmus, I was living in dornitory as long as possible, didn't wan't to have kids etc.

But when I finished PhD I was pushed to move. I did not want to, I was not prepared to make any big move or decission, so I started to act a blindly out of desperation.

I never considered it "moving" ... I just wanted to jump here and back just fulfill academic duty so I can finally live calm and carefree life ... but I found out that is not how it works

Perhaps people needs to learn responsibility for their life gradually. I never had to face it before, and now suddenly I failed at first try.

[agroot]

No, I would not consider me neither her hot headed. Rather the opposite. I was always very cautious avoiding big decission and responsibility. I avoided doing driving licence, going for erasmus, I was living in dornitory as long as possible, didn't wan't to have kids etc.

I wouldn't say it's about responsibility, just reality. I couldn't even ride a bike and only started saving last year!

But life is very comfortable here - It was my dream to be here and now I'm here, which probably offsets all negative realities . As I said you should go back / where you feel comfortable. You have a long life ahead - why waste it on somewhere you don't like? As long as you can support yourself financially, you can return or go anywhere.

[asiJa]

But life is very comfortable here - It was my dream to be here and now I'm here, which probably offsets all negative realities . As I said you should go back / where you feel comfortable. You have a long life ahead - why waste it on somewhere you don't like? As long as you can support yourself financially, you can return or go anywhere.

Perhaps it is about trend, rather than state. People going up are happy (e.g. I was happy when I started to earn a little own money by tutoring during my study at university despite I had much less money I have now).

But now I go down no matter what. The think is, I perhaps will not be happy in my home country either. I see only problems coming and loosing things in both cases. I'm trying to figure out which way I loos less, or loose slower. But intuitively I avoid loosing anything, which I cannot, so this choosing betwen bed choices makes me anxious, and avoiding decission makes the results even worse.

(btw. If you are willing to share your troubles, and background, e.g. in private message I would like to hear)

[agroot]

But now I go down no matter what. The think is, I perhaps will not be happy in my home country either. I see only problems coming and loosing things in both cases. I'm trying to figure out which way I loos less, or loose slower. But intuitively I avoid loosing anything, which I cannot, so this choosing betwen bed choices makes me anxious, and avoiding decission makes the results even worse.

You are not losing anything! Secure a job, go back studying if you want to (I personally have no idea how people can do both at the same time). And build a new life.

I've been living away from my parent for more than 10 years and I'd say having steady income is all you need to build a life from zero.

But since you hate the weather you definitely should leave.