I wrecked my life - cannot live here, cannot return

[asiJa]

I'm currently 1 year on post-doc in Helsinki, and my life is completely falling apart (almost finished). I dream about life before I moved to Finland, but I see no chance to recover it.

I have huge anxiety and sleeplessness, which only grows as I feel very insecure here. I hate the language, the lack of night-day cycle, weather, healthcare. Antidepressives does not help since on deeper level I really need to remove stresors by returning to "safe home". But I have no place to return in my home country. Also all the paperwork needed to return makes me extremely anxious. My family relations are broken as well, my family is in bad financial situation, which I caused to some degree. My work performance is zero for several months already, and it starts to be obvious I have to quit the job at university or they will kick me.

I'm unable to make decision to return, as it have huge consequences. I extremely fear to make a step, since than I cannot pull back, everything depend on everything (job, appartment, Kela, bank, taxes, residence). I worry I will return to home country only to become homeless. But to stay here also means to eventually become mentally ill and homeless. I'm stuck in this vicious circle. Worry of becoming homeless makes me loose my mind, and loosing my mind brings me close to being homeless. I cannot think about anything else.

background:

This situation resulted from series of extremely bad decisions I made out of hysteric fear. I wonder if this behaviour (horrible decision making) is symptom of some mental illness (Bipolar, borderline, schizofrenia?) but psychiadrist did not diagnozed anything else than anxiety.

1) I moved to Finland despite I was aware (from 3 previous stay abroad) that It will cause me mental problems. I was hoping that moving with my girlfriend will help, and it partially did, but it also caused other problems (she is dependent on me, we lost base in home country, she suffer from my psychic breakedown). I did not appreciate all the practical problems with moving (taxes, insurence, flat...). Before it was much easier to return to home country after ~3-6 months, now I'm seriously stuck there, without hope of fully recovering previous life. I actually never wanted to go there, I was just examining the possibility (doing work interview etc.) and I somehow got too far and felt that I cannot pull back without harming my relations and reputation (with girlfriend, with academia...). I started to realize all the problems only after I made promise to new boss, and pushed my girlfreind to quit her job. It was lack for decisiveness and willpower and long term planning which made me stuck. I was extremely frightened of loosing my girlfriend, so I went to Finland despite feeling that it will wreck my life. But that was perhaps too catastrophic misjudgement - in retrospect I'm convinced it was possible to explain to her why we should not go.

2) I lost large property (farm house, fields, ~200k euro) in my home country, which I previously got from my father, and which I was neglecting for 10 years while I was studying. I have strong negative emotions already before, but during my last visit at home it was really intense, as I felt hopeless and (that I cannot take care of house while being in Finland), and there were cracks in walls and I was worried it will collapse and kill my ill father or somebody else. Therefore I gave the house to my uncle for very low cost (like 10% of the real value) despite we had never very good relations. It was completely irrational decision made out of hystreia. I felt neurotic sensations (burning chest, sleeplessness) whole month I stayed at home. Uncle perhaps intentionally manipulated me and exploited my fear but still I cannot understand it now how I can make such obviously bad decission - possibly I had even some psychosis or mania. I was aggressive to everybody who tried to talk me out of that stupid sell (mother, grandmother) and I was shouting things like "it is only possibility", "I will go to prison otherwise" etc. My father died 14 days after I returned to Finland and we inheriated debt. I'm even suspicious that the uncle was somehow involved in his death, and exploiting him financialy. Family relations were always tense and deteriorating over the time, both parents being alcohol addicted. I desperately wanted to escape from the situation, but this did not solved anything, only added new problems. It further destroyed my relation with mother and sister, which were against selling the house to uncle (they live in other house but still It caused them problems - they had to move personal things out of house, change address). I also lost permanent residence, and have problems with inheritance. Again it was huge misjudgement - the house is still standing and the uncle did not do anything to save it. I did not comprehand all the problems I caused. I also did not comprehand how valuable the property was, how much opportunities it provided to my life. I dream now if I had still the house, I can move there and repair it, how romantic it would be with my girlfriend. Or I could have sell it and buy nice appartment in city, or live rest of my life from savings if I lost a job (as I'm loosing it now). I was completely ignorant to all these considerations.
It is 6 months now, and I cannot believe it really happend - I really lost it all.

I think these bad decisions were histerial reaction to stress with which I cannot coop.
I was never strong and matured personality. I was aware of that, but did not appreciate how much wrong things may go if I get under stress which I cannot handle.

I feel like I perhaps did not appreciate how irreversible consequences this decision will have. That there are no safeguerds, that it is not a game, that my life depend on it. I was like child thinking that at the end somebody will save me, protect me from myself. Mother and grandmother were trying but I did not listen and was aggressive. No I'm bagging my girlfriend to save me somehow, but she obviously cannot, and she is upset from prospect of living with such clingy nervous wreck for rest of life.

I perhaps never matured. I was always very fixated to my mother and avoiding things. I spend 15 years studying in city, and I deluded myself to learn some indepedence (living alone, earing own money...) but in reality I was still avoiding life (no social life, work at university, live in dornitory, playing video games...).
Then I moved from dornitory to the flat of my girlfriend which is 7 years older. I would be never able find my own appartment. I'm very dependent on her, sometimes she is more mother to me. We often joke I'm her dog, and I really want to be a dog, without responsibility and being taken care of.

Maybe that it was unhealthy lifestyle. But at least it was working. I was quite happy and productive at work/science (I produced many good publications).
But now I broke it completely - I'm loosing the people on whom I depend, I lost financial security, career, mental health, also physical health as anxiety makes me stomach problems, overeating etc.
I should have never step out of confort zone. I did not appreciate how unprepared I was to do this step.

I wish there is any chance to return back to my confort zone.

[rio]

Sorry to hear about that. Maybe I didnt understand, why can't you return back to your country and start your life there? You have post-doc, you can start with a job there. Or am I missing something?

[rinso]

The good thing is you realize where you went wrong. And if there is no way to turn things back, it's time for a plan B.
A life different from what you were used to is not bad. Start enjoying things you do have. Things you cannot get or control are not important, they just happen. When you lower your expectations life doesn't let you down so much.

He has the most who is most content with the least.
Diogenes

[asiJa]

Sorry to hear about that. Maybe I didnt understand, why can't you return back to your country and start your life there? You have post-doc, you can start with a job there. Or am I missing something?

Going back is not like "going home" (back to safety) but rather as going to yet an other foreign country (except the language). When I moved to Finland I had at least secured job, health insurance and acomodation from university. Now In my home country I have nothing. Even the relations (girlfriend, family) are now considerably broken.

yes, I have PhD, but that does not help much in general. I have terrible anxiety which makes me pretty useless in any job. When I was leaving my home country I had quite permanent academic position and also work and game company as programmer. These are gone now. And I feel unable to do any mental work anymore.

I did not realized this before, that moving abroad is such a trap.

[rio]

Going back is not like "going home" (back to safety) but rather as going to yet an other foreign country (except the language). When I moved to Finland I had at least secured job, health insurance and acomodation from university. Now In my home country I have nothing. Even the relations (girlfriend, family) are now considerably broken.

yes, I have PhD, but that does not help much in general. I have terrible anxiety which makes me pretty useless in any job. When I was leaving my home country I had quite permanent academic position and also work and game company as programmer. These are gone now. And I feel unable to do any mental work anymore.

I did not realized this before, that moving abroad is such a trap.

I understand. It must be difficult situation for you. Is there an option to get some loan from bank? (or maybe use credit cards etc) to plan a budget for a few months. If you had a permanent position and also have been working as a programmer, I'm sure it wont be much problem if you would actively seek a job and don't mind accepting some job which is not up to your level.
Even if you feel that your home country is not quite a home anymore, but still it would be a lot more easier for you. You won't have to live in the Finnish weather that you dont like, and most of all you can speak the local language there, it should make it easier to find some job.

I hope things become easier for you, stay strong, my friend.

[asiJa]

I understand. It must be difficult situation for you. Is there an option to get some loan from bank? (or maybe use credit cards etc) to plan a budget for a few months. If you had a permanent position and also have been working as a programmer, I'm sure it wont be much problem if you would actively seek a job and don't mind accepting some job which is not up to your level.
Even if you feel that your home country is not quite a home anymore, but still it would be a lot more easier for you. You won't have to live in the Finnish weather that you dont like, and most of all you can speak the local language there, it should make it easier to find some job.

I hope things become easier for you, stay strong, my friend.

Actually I sill have quite some savings. If I don't do something stupid (as I did) I can perhaps support myself even more than a year.

The problem is, I know I cannot manage to do all required. Due to my mental state and due to immature disorganized personality.
I know I will screw things up. I rarely have to deal with similar pracitcal issues before. They were very limited (e.g. move to student dornitory). And always I screw it and made myself problems (e.g. neglect something, misundrstood, pay fine) and I was on the edge of mental breakdown.

Now I got into situation orders of magnitude more challenging to organizational skill (which I lack) and at the same time I'm already mentally compromised beforehand. I hardly function now even without external pressure (cannot sleep, cannot work, things fall out of my hands). When I start to think about what is required to do, I get panic attack.

[newborn]

I'm currently 1 year on post-doc in Helsinki, and my life is completely falling apart (almost finished). I dream about life before I moved to Finland, but I see no chance to recover it.

I have huge anxiety and sleeplessness, which only grows as I feel very insecure here. I hate the language, the lack of night-day cycle, weather, healthcare. Antidepressives does not help since on deeper level I really need to remove stresors by returning to "safe home". But I have no place to return in my home country. Also all the paperwork needed to return makes me extremely anxious. My family relations are broken as well, my family is in bad financial situation, which I caused to some degree. My work performance is zero for several months already, and it starts to be obvious I have to quit the job at university or they will kick me.

I'm unable to make decision to return, as it have huge consequences. I extremely fear to make a step, since than I cannot pull back, everything depend on everything (job, appartment, Kela, bank, taxes, residence). I worry I will return to home country only to become homeless. But to stay here also means to eventually become mentally ill and homeless. I'm stuck in this vicious circle. Worry of becoming homeless makes me loose my mind, and loosing my mind brings me close to being homeless. I cannot think about anything else.

background:

This situation resulted from series of extremely bad decisions I made out of hysteric fear. I wonder if this behaviour (horrible decision making) is symptom of some mental illness (Bipolar, borderline, schizofrenia?) but psychiadrist did not diagnozed anything else than anxiety.

1) I moved to Finland despite I was aware (from 3 previous stay abroad) that It will cause me mental problems. I was hoping that moving with my girlfriend will help, and it partially did, but it also caused other problems (she is dependent on me, we lost base in home country, she suffer from my psychic breakedown). I did not appreciate all the practical problems with moving (taxes, insurence, flat...). Before it was much easier to return to home country after ~3-6 months, now I'm seriously stuck there, without hope of fully recovering previous life. I actually never wanted to go there, I was just examining the possibility (doing work interview etc.) and I somehow got too far and felt that I cannot pull back without harming my relations and reputation (with girlfriend, with academia...). I started to realize all the problems only after I made promise to new boss, and pushed my girlfreind to quit her job. It was lack for decisiveness and willpower and long term planning which made me stuck. I was extremely frightened of loosing my girlfriend, so I went to Finland despite feeling that it will wreck my life. But that was perhaps too catastrophic misjudgement - in retrospect I'm convinced it was possible to explain to her why we should not go.

2) I lost large property (farm house, fields, ~200k euro) in my home country, which I previously got from my father, and which I was neglecting for 10 years while I was studying. I have strong negative emotions already before, but during my last visit at home it was really intense, as I felt hopeless and (that I cannot take care of house while being in Finland), and there were cracks in walls and I was worried it will collapse and kill my ill father or somebody else. Therefore I gave the house to my uncle for very low cost (like 10% of the real value) despite we had never very good relations. It was completely irrational decision made out of hystreia. I felt neurotic sensations (burning chest, sleeplessness) whole month I stayed at home. Uncle perhaps intentionally manipulated me and exploited my fear but still I cannot understand it now how I can make such obviously bad decission - possibly I had even some psychosis or mania. I was aggressive to everybody who tried to talk me out of that stupid sell (mother, grandmother) and I was shouting things like "it is only possibility", "I will go to prison otherwise" etc. My father died 14 days after I returned to Finland and we inheriated debt. I'm even suspicious that the uncle was somehow involved in his death, and exploiting him financialy. Family relations were always tense and deteriorating over the time, both parents being alcohol addicted. I desperately wanted to escape from the situation, but this did not solved anything, only added new problems. It further destroyed my relation with mother and sister, which were against selling the house to uncle (they live in other house but still It caused them problems - they had to move personal things out of house, change address). I also lost permanent residence, and have problems with inheritance. Again it was huge misjudgement - the house is still standing and the uncle did not do anything to save it. I did not comprehand all the problems I caused. I also did not comprehand how valuable the property was, how much opportunities it provided to my life. I dream now if I had still the house, I can move there and repair it, how romantic it would be with my girlfriend. Or I could have sell it and buy nice appartment in city, or live rest of my life from savings if I lost a job (as I'm loosing it now). I was completely ignorant to all these considerations.
It is 6 months now, and I cannot believe it really happend - I really lost it all.

I think these bad decisions were histerial reaction to stress with which I cannot coop.
I was never strong and matured personality. I was aware of that, but did not appreciate how much wrong things may go if I get under stress which I cannot handle.

I feel like I perhaps did not appreciate how irreversible consequences this decision will have. That there are no safeguerds, that it is not a game, that my life depend on it. I was like child thinking that at the end somebody will save me, protect me from myself. Mother and grandmother were trying but I did not listen and was aggressive. No I'm bagging my girlfriend to save me somehow, but she obviously cannot, and she is upset from prospect of living with such clingy nervous wreck for rest of life.

I perhaps never matured. I was always very fixated to my mother and avoiding things. I spend 15 years studying in city, and I deluded myself to learn some indepedence (living alone, earing own money...) but in reality I was still avoiding life (no social life, work at university, live in dornitory, playing video games...).
Then I moved from dornitory to the flat of my girlfriend which is 7 years older. I would be never able find my own appartment. I'm very dependent on her, sometimes she is more mother to me. We often joke I'm her dog, and I really want to be a dog, without responsibility and being taken care of.

Maybe that it was unhealthy lifestyle. But at least it was working. I was quite happy and productive at work/science (I produced many good publications).
But now I broke it completely - I'm loosing the people on whom I depend, I lost financial security, career, mental health, also physical health as anxiety makes me stomach problems, overeating etc.
I should have never step out of confort zone. I did not appreciate how unprepared I was to do this step.

I wish there is any chance to return back to my confort zone.

As you did not tell anything about your home country or culture, it wouldn't be easy for people here to connect to you. However, it is already a good start that you have realized many things. I am assuming you are a highly intelligent academic person so you will find a way soon if you can bring your head together. As you mentioned, you have been living in the comfort zone all your whole life. I have been once told by someone wise that when we always live in the comfort zone by depending on others or the comfort zone is given/acquired from parents etc. we do not grow up...we do not mature...then one step out of the comfort zone makes us very vulnerable. On the other hand, if someone can make a comfort zone by gaining what he/she needs to make a comfort zone through hard work and other skills, it is not that vulnerable when he/she gets somehow out of the comfort zone as he/she can make it again using his/her skills.

Besides, like Friedrich Nietzsche: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." and "To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering."

Wish you all the best.

[harakka]

Where do you want to be in the future? What steps do you need to take to get there? Take one step at a time.

It's OK to ask for help, too. Please talk to your supervisor about your work situation.

[aiden11]

Men can do everything. Try your best I hope you also can do that.

[Y77]

Sorry to hear about that. Maybe I didnt understand, why can't you return back to your country and start your life there? You have post-doc, you can start with a job there. Or am I missing something?

Going back is not like "going home" (back to safety) but rather as going to yet an other foreign country (except the language). When I moved to Finland I had at least secured job, health insurance and acomodation from university. Now In my home country I have nothing. Even the relations (girlfriend, family) are now considerably broken.

yes, I have PhD, but that does not help much in general. I have terrible anxiety which makes me pretty useless in any job. When I was leaving my home country I had quite permanent academic position and also work and game company as programmer. These are gone now. And I feel unable to do any mental work anymore.

I did not realized this before, that moving abroad is such a trap.

moving abroad, generally speaking, is not a trap. It depends what your circumstances are and where you came from...I come from a s.ithole of a country and my life is muuuuuch better here

[Valinnan vapaus]

As someone suggested, you should talk to your superior at work. Perhaps there's some kind of workplace psychologist who will at least know who else you could try talking to. Asking for help when you can't do it yourself is a sign of maturity, not immaturity.

[agroot]

Do you have still the job? If you have the job and it's enough to pay off everything, you don't have to worry.

I dropped everything to come here alone and it's the best decision I ever made, though not getting gf here yet .

I don't have mental breakdown or problem with the weather, but I do worry a lot easily and IMO the best thing you could do (besides seeking medical help which you probably need) is to have a plan for everything, large or small. I made extensive research on cost of life and tax, daily routine, transport, home location etc, and budget for everything from groceries to vacations, and list/translate every services and stuff I'll possibly need - I still have to do that every time before I go to supermarkets, since I can't understand Finnish at all.

Once you plan everything, your anxiety level should go down and then you can have fun, hopefully.

[Maeke]

Think about this.
“ the only shots you are 100% sure to miss are the ones you are not taking “

[asiJa]

As you did not tell anything about your home country or culture, it wouldn't be easy for people here to connect to you.

I'm form central europe EU.

The psychologist at work/uni is a necessary stop, as 2 people have already mentioned. You say you've been diagnosed as having anxiety. Have you been offered counselling/meds? Talk to your boss. If you are honest about your situation, he/she is bound to reach out and try to help.

yes, I was taking some ADs (mirtazapine, seraquel) form occupational healthcare. I also consulted with my supervisor, and colleagues. I think they are trying to be very helpful ... but at the end it does not solve the fact that I'm in much less secure and confortable situation than ever before.

Do you have still the job? If you have the job and it's enough to pay off everything, you don't have to worry.

I dropped everything to come here alone and it's the best decision I ever made, though not getting gf here yet .

I don't have mental breakdown or problem with the weather, but I do worry a lot easily and IMO the best thing you could do (besides seeking medical help which you probably need) is to have a plan for everything, large or small. I made extensive research on cost of life and tax, daily routine, transport, home location etc, and budget for everything from groceries to vacations, and list/translate every services and stuff I'll possibly need - I still have to do that every time before I go to supermarkets, since I can't understand Finnish at all.

Once you plan everything, your anxiety level should go down and then you can have fun, hopefully.

I admire you, and many other people how capable and emotionaly strong you are to deal with difficulties in life.

You all had perhaps difficult life before. You consider it normal to spend most of attention on solving practical problems. You consider it normal to have mind preoccupied by survival. So now despite difficulties you feel being better off here in Finalnd.

My experience is completely opposite. My life was perhaps very easy, I always considered responsibilities and practical problem as something extraordinary. I always tried to rush over them s fast as possible (e.g. over exams in school), to make my mind free to focus hobbies and interests.

When I finished PhD I was thinking the last exam is over and now I can relax. But people pushed me to go abroad to gain experience and advance academic carrier. I was thinking it is just an other exam, which I can rush-over and finally get back to my confort zone forever. I never considered staying abroad longer than necessary.

But now I realized my confort zone no longer exist. I will never feel secure again, free of practical concerns, and focused on my hobbies and interests.

Now I see that with this mindest, I should have avoid going abroad at any cost. Just I did not realized it.

[Upphew]

But now I realized my confort zone no longer exist. I will never feel secure again, free of practical concerns, and focused on my hobbies and interests.

Now I see that with this mindest, I should have avoid going abroad at any cost. Just I did not realized it.

Imho it sounds like you have grown up now. Being adult sucks.

edit https://imgur.com/gallery/ANu06fR