Is my husband abusive? or is he right?

[TomaMe]

Hi,
Lately my family has been having real problems. I am not finnish, but I am from an eu country. We have a child of about a year and half. My husband and I met a decade ago in the UK (he is finnish), and we always spoke English to each other.

When we became pregnant, we never spoke about languages, and it seems we had both assumed wrong. He claims he had thought we were gonna teach only English to our child. I thought we would teach Finnish and my language, as well as English. When the child was born, and I told him my intentions of speaking my language, he posed me with a choice: if I spoke my language to the baby, he would leave us. He did this on Eiran ranta, and it hurts so much to think of this day.

As I was alone, new in Finland, with the huge responsibility of caring for my child, I did not want to lose him after so many years, having confronted my family to be with him, and even coming to Finland to give birth. I felt really bad and every time I thought i could not even sing to my child my childhood songs and rhymes, i cried.

We had three big fights after this first day at Eira about the issue, and systematically he would start chain-smoking and saying to me to take the baby away to my country. I thought we could reach a better agreement, a more mature one.

Then, we moved away from Finland (now we don´t live in Europe) The discussions followed, and then on one of them he said fine, you can speak your language while I am not present. He also said the day our baby would say his first non-English word it would be the saddest day of his life. So, I started speaking my language to the baby while he was not home, but did not say this to him. I was afraid he was gonna be upset and threatened to go away or to send us away.

But of course the day came the baby said his first word, and it was in my language. And then he came home, and found me talking in my language to the baby, using this first word. My husband was so mad, he said he didn´t know his own child. I admit I should have had the guts to tell him what I was doing so he would know when our child said his first word. But I didn´t, i was afraid of losing my husband. So I was playing this risk game of hide and keep as much as you can. Keep your child, keep your husband, keep your own language alive.

That day he left, he came home about 1.30 am, having drunk some. Next morning, he left soon without looking at our baby, when the baby was trying to interact with him. It hurt so much to see him ignore our child. I understand he was hurt and was doing it to show me how hurt he was I had lied. Myself, i was so lonely, without any relatives (mine or my husbands) in a country I don´t like, not knowing what to do to keep my husband happy, caring for my baby alone (my husband was in this mood during three days), with no job to distract me, or friends. I made the mistake of tell an old work colleague by e-mail what was happening and asking for advice.

About three weeks after this first big crisis, I left my e-mail open and my husband read the e-mail exchange with my old colleague. He just left us in a park. He didn´t come home until 3.30 am. He had drunk a lot, but was sober enough to tell me he hated me, that I had lied to him all these years speaking only English (here I have to say that I had wanted to teach him my language, and learn finnish myself, but he did not want to, and he also broke a promise to learn my language as soon as he would get to live in the country where we are now. It was a deal that we would move there and in return he would learn my language) in order to get a child from him, because no one else wanted to be with me.

He broke a bus toy that spoke in my language given as a present by some relative of mine. He woke up the baby and started speaking the very few words his knows in my language. I was horrified. I was so sad. I tried to calm him down, to tell him that living where we live the child will acquire English as his main language (school, friends, tv, media, books, his father speaking to him English, me when the three of us are together) that he should not be afraid he won´t be able to communicate with his child. That the only problem is to teach him enough finnish so he can hang out with his finnish relatives (i.e., grandparents mostly). That he naturally can speak finnish to him, but he said he doesn´t want that and i am favoring my language over finnish, and over english, which was the language of our family (he and me before the baby).

Anyway, in the end, he said he is not gonna limit what I should speak to the baby, but he said there would be consequences. He is not helping me basically with the baby anymore. He spends a lot of time away in the office, although I keep calling him to come for a snack (we live close to his work place), to come early for dinner, to visit him. And I speak English to the baby when we are all together. It seems it is not enough.

Regularly he keeps saying these remarks about how i am breaking the unity of this family, that I am a separatist. That I am imposing the language of some grandparents over our own common language, etc. That he can´t work properly because of my choice, and he is unable to be a good father and a good husband. In the previous to the last fight, which happened at night at my parents place while vacationing there, he told me he wanted to die, but could not do it, mainly because he hadn´t found a way it did´t hurt. That if English is going to be our childs first language why bother teaching him my own language. That I was bitch for having lied to him all these years in order to get a child.

I try very hard to please him. If he corrects my English, which he says is deteriorating because I use my own language a lot now, i repeat after him. I help him with this coursework. I encourage him and the baby to play together a lot. I have learned some nursery songs in English to sing to the baby. But I have not stopped speaking my language to the baby when it is just the two of us.

Now, the time has come to decide on our Christmas vacation trip. He suggested 7 days in my country, and 7 in Finland. I said that after about four months of being away, maybe we could stay 10 days on each place so the grandparents can enjoy with the child, and the child can hang out with the grandparents, a little bit longer. He won´t agree, or negotiate. It is his way or he will be 7 days in my country, with us, and be away with the baby 1.5 days away while I stay in my country 3 more days (1.5 days is half of the difference between my option and his).

He said he doesn´t feel like staying in my country seeing how his son is taught a different language to english and this was a consequence of my own choices. So our travel plans are stalled. I cannot deny him some days alone with the baby, although the baby is still young and needs me.

But what am I gonna say at my parents? Hei, they are leaving already because my husband doesn´t like you or your language or me teaching this language to the baby, and so he is gonna be away and take the baby away for 1.5 days before going to finland to be there 7 days like here to be fair to all grandparents. I guess he has the upper hand on this situation.

But i am just thinking, all over, again and again, that this relationship is not working. That I should have maybe left when he told me, and take my baby and spare my baby these fights and situations. That I am sad and can´t avoid looking at him and blaming myself for how bad he might turn up in an environment like this. That maybe I should just give up and speak English all the time to my baby and who cares if when he visits finland or my country he is not able to interact with his relatives and his peers, as long as he can speak with his mom and dad and his english speaking peers?

But if i am right, and my husband is wrong, how can I fix the situation to make this work for everyone? I told him last time that I am giving up something here too, the right to speak to our child on any language i want at any time, and I am doing it to respect our past together that was just in English and to keep him close to me and our child. But it is no use.

As a side point, few nights ago he told his parents i was teaching some words in my language to the baby, and his mom said he should do the same with finnish, and he answer he can´t because he doesn´t have breasts. I felt so embarrased and ashamed. He made me feel like i am this horrible person using her position as a mother to brainwash my child and advance my "agenda", as he says. Then, last night, i said i was gonna make my daily call to my folks, and then i said to his mom that her son is not very happy with them, and after she was gone, he said he hated me for having told his parents about his things and that I should keep my big mouth shut.

Another example of how things are: if the baby says water in my language and we are lone, he will say to the baby in a bad tone "it is water". Now his mom has taught the baby to point to flowers and say kuka, he doesn´t correct the baby to say flower. He is acting out! I know he doesn´t like it, but he won´t say anything. I am the one that gets all his !"#¤%. What can I do? Who is wrong? Please, i need to know if i am wrong in my position, so my family might stop breaking up. But if i am not, what can i do? What would you do?

[Karhunkoski]

I got halfway through and it went a bit:




Can you perhaps split it up a bit into paragraphs? Makes it awfully easier to read.

[Travmies]

In short your husband is a nut.

He seems to have some control issues or he is looking for a way out of the relationship, which could mean he has another woman.

As for you, you are in denial of your situation, you are trying to keep someone who does not wish to stay.

He knows he has got you on the run, so give up nothing, change the locks, meet with social services and wait for him to hear the penny drop.

If he loves you he will love you whatever language you speak in any situation.

As a man myself, I see his behavour as unbelievable and just wrong.

Is it abuse? @#$% sure it is....

[rinso]

I couldn't finish the post either.
But I understand that your marriage is not going to last very long.
In reality is is already over.
Make the decisions with your own good in mind and ignore him.
But since you are not in Finland, I have no advice what to do.

[EP]

Sorry to say, but you have married an idiot.

Where ever you are you should speak your language to your child. It is the language of your mind and heart, your closest language. But I am not certain if your husband should speak Finnish to him/her, because Finnish obviously is not the language of his heart. God, I hate people who are so ready to abandon their language.

[pseudo]

If you are Swede.... it's understandable

[ajdias]

Your husband is an ignorant idiot.

I try very hard to please him.

And that's why he will never appreciate or respect you.

[easily-lost]

When the child was born, and I told him my intentions of speaking my language, he posed me with a choice: if I spoke my language to the baby, he would leave us.

Did he give a solid reason for that?

If he truly respected privacy, he wouldn't have read your E-mails, wide open or not. Running away won't solve any problems, maybe you should help him grow up a bit instead of giving in whenever he "cries". Doing things at the back can be irritating though. So, it's better put everything on the table with reasons just between you two, and see what's missing there.

[EP]

Besides, he is not doing a favour to the child with his stupid language policy. If you spoke your language (and only that) and he spoke Finnish (and only that) to the child the baby would get two languages "free", no sweat in learning. So your language would be "mommy language", Finnish would be "daddy language", and English the child would learn from the enviroment. Youl could keep on talking English to each other. Now your husband is "robbing" the kid two languages. Besides, when neither of you are native English-speakers, you cannot teach the kid native-level English, that he still would have to learn from the enviroment.

[Richard]

The guy sounds like an idiot if he thinks because you have only ever used English together, you have therefore agreed to raise your child in English only, without having discussed it before.

One of the commonly accepted principles of bringing up multilingual children is, that until they clearly understand what is what language, they need to hear each language consistently in each context.

If your husband chooses not to teach his child Finnish, that is a shame but his decision I guess. Are his Finnish grand parents able to talk to him in English? I don't think it is his right to stop you speaking your mother tongue to the child.

You state he committed to learning your language, so it would do him no harm to passively absorb some of it when you talk to your child, and you could than tell him in English what you said to help him learn.

You say you are now in an English speaking country so the child will learn that from play group / school /listening to you and your husband use English together.

It sounds a little bit like he wants the kid to be taught to speak with him without him having to put in the effort to develop its language, but I could be wrong there.

From the child's perspective I think it what be totally workable that ....

You speak always your language when directly talking with the child until the child has a functional use of the language, at which point it perhaps could kept in private and English used in family situations.
He always speaks always Finnish when directly talking with the child until the child has a functional use of Finnish, at which point it perhaps could kept in private and English used in family situations.
English would be passively absorbed to some extent hearing you and the father use it, then going to daycare and later school.

Good luck

[irnbru]

Got about a quarter of the way through and came to 2 conclusions.

1. Your husband is a mentalist.
2. You should check out these things called paragraphs.

[TomaMe]

Sorry about not using paragraphs earlier.

I can see you all agree he is not doing a good job. I just don´t know how to handle it. If it came to divorce when I confront him, where should that be done? We married in my country, but the baby was born in Finland, so maybe custody will be decided there? How about the country where we live? Can he file for divorce there?

I am just so afraid he will get the baby, or that I will have to stay where he is so that the baby learns English or Finnish so his father can speak with him. Do you see what I mean? I don´t know if just leaving with the baby would afford me anything good in terms of custody. I could well lose my child if I did that. Because in the past he has said he would grant me full custody and never see me or him again, but if I pose this possibility he might as well back out and demand 50-50, just like he backed out of his promise of learning my language.

Besides, as we are in the US, and if divorce has to be done there, I am afraid they might discriminate me because of my background and because the whole issue is about English and they are very proud of it there.

Then, I look at his grandparents in Finland and they seem to be such a great people, it would break their heart if I did this.

I know he doesn´t love me. If he did, he would be proud of my choice, or at least if he didn´t like he wouldn´t be making trouble about it all the time.

[kay30]

I don´t know if just leaving with the baby would afford me anything good in terms of custody.

Bad, bad, bad idea. No country in the world will look favorably upon a mothering illegally taking her child away from the father.

Besides, as we are in the US, and if divorce has to be done there, I am afraid they might discriminate me because of my background and because the whole issue is about English and they are very proud of it there.

As crazy as people in the US can be, it would be illegal for them to give custody of your child to your husband because he prefers to use English and the US is an English speaking country. See here for a brief overview.

If you tell people which state you are in, they may be able to post places that can offer you help. Also, what is your first language? That would help too if you prefer to be helped in your native tongue (if possible). Start documenting everything NOW so you have a case if/when it has to go to court.

[littlefrank]

If he's this kind of 'control freak' with you, just think how he might try and control the child. get legal advice and leave him.

My other answer is kick him in the nuts.

[J.Honkanen]

My other answer is kick him in the nuts.

Good advice!

Your husband does not sound like the kind of man who should be raising a child IMHO.