A Mother Bullying Her Own Son

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OrdinaryMan
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2022 6:27 pm

A Mother Bullying Her Own Son

Post by OrdinaryMan » Sun Nov 27, 2022 7:00 pm

Hi,

I am in an immense need of help! I am married with 2 kids. The elder one is 12 and half year old son.

My wife is quite a short-tampered lady by nature. Despite this fact, it had not been a great issue until recently. I personally know how to go along and avoid any unpleasant situation.

Since she is Ph.D in Chemistry and Master in Linguistics, when it comes to child education, she thinks she is more capable than the school teachers and can teach kids better. This is not a problem itself, but when she starts degrading the kids' teachers and express that verbally. This started to be quite concerning for me, as it is like damaging the kids' trust toward their own teachers and institution. I have always tried to deflect such remarks but they keep on coming.

When it comes to new languages, like French, Swedish and Finnish, which are altogether new for her, she says that she can still teach by just reading as she is Master in Linguistics. Again a bit concerning, as every subject needs to be taught by a dedicated school teachers, who are qualified in their subject areas.

Recently, her attitude toward my son has become extremely violent and hostile. If my son would even describe his opinion, which is different from hers, she would rage, would start shouting, abusing and would point to her education. Would call my son "dumb !"#¤%", "cheap", "mean" and would call his teachers "bast___" etc. I have intervened many times and confronted her many times, but she keeps on shouting and being aggressive. This is highly unacceptable! I tried my best but failed due to her emotional blackmailing as she blames me that I don't want my kids to succeed in life.

Moreover, for the ordinary life matters, she is always shouting on my son. Two days ago, my son put a shampoo on his hair forgetting to wet his hair beforehand. She got extremely furious and abused him in the toilet for 10-15 minutes with immense shouting. Today, he was doing his school project and while cutting a drawing, it was over cut. She immediately started shouting on him and calling him names.

This is no doubt child abuse by his own mother. I feel fully trapped in such a messy situation. I am seriously considering to report it to authorities. But it will be with consequences. Does any body know, if I report this offence, do social workers take child in their own custody? Any advice on how to proceed? I would be extremely thankful.
Last edited by OrdinaryMan on Wed Dec 28, 2022 2:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.



A Mother Bullying Her Own Son

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NukkuMatti
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 9:51 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by NukkuMatti » Mon Nov 28, 2022 10:43 pm

You could try to find out why she is acting that way (this extreme I mean), ask yourself the following before your make up your opinion:

Does she have a stressful job?
Does she have any health problem?
Do you have financial problems? causing stress.
Does she have stress or worries about your child's future?
Are his grades bad? does that give her stress.
Does she feel powerless trying to turn that around?
Does she feel she failed as a mother if your son actually is dumb.. ?

In other words, try to find out why she is so volatile (sure it is stress).. You could even ask here at a certain moment when she is calm, how she feels? if she has worries and ask her how you could help her with that.
She might initially react aggressive because she might feel it as an attack on her behavior, but at that moment tell her you understand she is angry but you are not criticizing her, but you would like to know why and if you can help her with her feelings of discontent and search for a solution.

If that does not work, you can first always contact perheneuvola and discuss the situation there, or contact Family social work, who might refer you to Perhe neuvola.
As long as there is no physical violence, this is the way to go. Child protection services might cause you to lose your child until he is 18.. lots of bad things happen when you have a social worker that has problems of his/her own... trust me on that...just check yle news on that..

Perheneuvola are psychologists who will focus on the child, several sessions can be held with parents, both of you together, both separate and with the child and parents all together and all separate.

Children form the age of 12 also have their own voice to be heard in Finland so perheneuvola will also ask the child for his opinion.

If you want to go down this path, it might be wise to discuss this at a certain point with the mother of the child (if she is your wife). Do not bring this as a threat, but ask her for her advise, like : "hi dear, I feel we have some difficulties with (the education) our son, you too I understood....do you think it could be helpful if we ask some help with that from Perheneuvola, I have heard good stories about them, they might be able to help with the problems regarding the education of our boy, they might also help with complaints to the school" (like it was her idea all along).

A listening ear works better than a shouting contest, especially if you disagree.
From your story it almost seems she is either bipolar and that means you need to walk on eggshells (thread carefully) or she has a very high IQ and lacks some EQ... then you are there to make up for the lack of the emotional part.

Good luck! may the force be with you!

FinlandGirl
Posts: 1100
Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2019 10:43 am

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by FinlandGirl » Mon Nov 28, 2022 11:32 pm

OrdinaryMan wrote:
Sun Nov 27, 2022 7:00 pm
I am married with 2 kids. The elder one is 12 and half year old son.

My wife is quite a short-tampered lady by nature. Despite this fact, it had not been a great issue until recently. I personally know how to go along and avoid any unpleasant situation.

Since she is Ph.D in Chemistry and Master in Linguistics, when it comes to child education, she thinks she is more capable than the school teachers and can teach kids better. This is not a problem itself, but when she starts degrading the kids' teachers and express that verbally. This started to be quite concerning for me, as it is like damaging the kids' trust toward their own teachers and institution. I have always tried to deflect such remarks but they keep on coming.

When it comes to new languages, like French, Swedish and Finnish, which are altogether new for her, she says that she can still teach by just reading as she is Master in Linguistics. Again a bit concerning, as every subject needs to be taught by a dedicated school teachers, who are qualified in their subject areas.

Recently, her attitude toward my son has become extremely violent and hostile. If my son would even describe his opinion, which is different from hers, she would rage, would start shouting, abusing and would point to her education. Would call my son "dumb !"#¤%", "cheap", "mean" and would call his teachers "bast___" etc. I have intervened many times and confronted her many times, but she keeps on shouting and being aggressive. This is highly unacceptable! I tried my best but failed due to her emotional blackmailing as she blames me that I don't want my kids to succeed in life.

Moreover, for the ordinary life matters, she is always shouting on my son. Two days ago, my son put a shampoo on his hair forgetting to wet his hair beforehand. She got extremely furious and abused him in the toilet for 10-15 minutes with immense shouting. Today, he was doing his school project and while cutting a drawing, it was over cut. She immediately started shouting on him and calling him names.

This is no doubt child abuse by his own mother. I feel fully trapped in such a messy situation. I am seriously considering to report it to authorities. But it will be with consequences. Does any body know, if I report this offence, do social workers take child in their own custody? Any advice on how to proceed?
What consequences do you want to happen?

You have been together with her for over a decade, how realistic is it that she would follow to advice from someone?
From whom (authorities, friends, her family) would she most likely accept advice? Is there anyone?

The other option would be a divorce, and you trying to get child custody.

Based on your description, asking family counselling (perheneuvola) for advice might be most useful if you are willing to go for the divorce solution if necessary to protect your children.

OrdinaryMan
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2022 6:27 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by OrdinaryMan » Tue Nov 29, 2022 7:22 am

NukkuMatti wrote:
Mon Nov 28, 2022 10:43 pm
You could try to find out why she is acting that way (this extreme I mean), ask yourself the following before your make up your opinion:

Does she have a stressful job?
Does she have any health problem?
Do you have financial problems? causing stress.
Does she have stress or worries about your child's future?
Are his grades bad? does that give her stress.
Does she feel powerless trying to turn that around?
Does she feel she failed as a mother if your son actually is dumb.. ?

In other words, try to find out why she is so volatile (sure it is stress).. You could even ask here at a certain moment when she is calm, how she feels? if she has worries and ask her how you could help her with that.
She might initially react aggressive because she might feel it as an attack on her behavior, but at that moment tell her you understand she is angry but you are not criticizing her, but you would like to know why and if you can help her with her feelings of discontent and search for a solution.

If that does not work, you can first always contact perheneuvola and discuss the situation there, or contact Family social work, who might refer you to Perhe neuvola.
As long as there is no physical violence, this is the way to go. Child protection services might cause you to lose your child until he is 18.. lots of bad things happen when you have a social worker that has problems of his/her own... trust me on that...just check yle news on that..

Perheneuvola are psychologists who will focus on the child, several sessions can be held with parents, both of you together, both separate and with the child and parents all together and all separate.

Children form the age of 12 also have their own voice to be heard in Finland so perheneuvola will also ask the child for his opinion.

If you want to go down this path, it might be wise to discuss this at a certain point with the mother of the child (if she is your wife). Do not bring this as a threat, but ask her for her advise, like : "hi dear, I feel we have some difficulties with (the education) our son, you too I understood....do you think it could be helpful if we ask some help with that from Perheneuvola, I have heard good stories about them, they might be able to help with the problems regarding the education of our boy, they might also help with complaints to the school" (like it was her idea all along).

A listening ear works better than a shouting contest, especially if you disagree.
From your story it almost seems she is either bipolar and that means you need to walk on eggshells (thread carefully) or she has a very high IQ and lacks some EQ... then you are there to make up for the lack of the emotional part.

Good luck! may the force be with you!
Thank you so very much for such a deep and multidimensional analysis of the problem. Your analysis is giving a new insight to look at the problem and solve it.
Yes, indeed! A listening ear works better than a shouting contest. Also we should search for the why. I can straight away say that based on my experience, I can say that the reasons for the stress could be followings, quoting your questions you raised:

Does she have stress or worries about your child's future?
Yes, she is worried about it a lot and wants to put a lot of effort herself in child's education. And I can say she indeed does her best for spending time and her energy. It is only her way of treating the child, which in my opinion can lead to harmful consequences. The reason might be she is so much worried that she fears a lot about child's future.

Does she feel she failed as a mother if your son actually is dumb.. ?
That might be true to some extent as well. She considers my child's homework and test performance as her own performance. My son is not completely "dumb". When it comes to learning new languages, he has a very analytical and mathematical style of understanding the beauty of language, which is a big thing for my wife. Another aspect of my son's personality is also that he develops an opinion about any educational task or concept, which is usually wrong, and then he keeps on insisting and arguing about it. This drains a lot of energy of my wife. which surely causes stress.

Do you have financial problems? causing stress.
Surely, there are some but not to that extent that she should behave in this way. As far as I know her, it seems to be highly unlikely.

From your story it almost seems she is either bipolar and that means you need to walk on eggshells (thread carefully) or she has a very high IQ and lacks some EQ... then you are there to make up for the lack of the emotional part.
I can fully agree but don't know the exact reason if it is bipolar nature, or lack of EQ or both.

Based on your advise, I feel I would go for family counselling. DO you have any other insight and advice based on my response?

Thank you very much for your help.

NukkuMatti
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 9:51 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by NukkuMatti » Tue Nov 29, 2022 11:08 am

First of all, please disregard the remarks of Finlandgirl, in my opinion her remarks are in general negative:
I would never suggest anything like a divorce, especially not in this case when children are involved, they are the ones ending up paying the price of it eventually.

That said, "communication" is the key here, like always in any conflict situation.
It is clear that there are some things troubling your wife and therefore you as well, so these are points that should be discussed between you both.
The chance on success and fruitful results, is greatly depending on how to initiate such discussions, when , where, her mood, most important in this is, as said before, try to find a common ground or reason for starting these discussions and make it as neutral as possible, clearly show vulnerability and the possibility for you being wrong or you being the one needing help, nobody is helped with a blame game and it will only get people switch to defensive mode.. at such point they will be closed off for further reasoning and not willing to consider other opinions and or points of view, only search for other not related points to win, and the discussion will derail and end up talking about non related issues.
As a good example you can search on this forum for discussions between me and Finlandgirl... in these discussions you can see both of us being very defensive and I will let it to other readers, to judge about the righteousness of either ones arguments.

Back to your situation, I will sent you a PM with the continuation of this thread / discussion, check you inbox later today.

FinlandGirl
Posts: 1100
Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2019 10:43 am

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by FinlandGirl » Tue Nov 29, 2022 3:50 pm

NukkuMatti wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 11:08 am
First of all, please disregard the remarks of Finlandgirl, in my opinion her remarks are in general negative:
I would never suggest anything like a divorce, especially not in this case when children are involved, they are the ones ending up paying the price of it eventually.
You would never suggest anything like a divorce, even if one spouse would regularly beat and rape the children?

In many cases taking away the children from an abusive parent is (or would be) the best solution, and then the non-abusive parent cannot both stay in the relationship and live together with the child.

It is not clear whether this is the least bad option in this specific case, but it is worth considering in advance whether a divorce would be better or worse than the status quo if everything else does not work.

OrdinaryMan
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2022 6:27 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by OrdinaryMan » Tue Nov 29, 2022 4:03 pm

NukkuMatti wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 11:08 am
First of all, please disregard the remarks of Finlandgirl, in my opinion her remarks are in general negative:
I would never suggest anything like a divorce, especially not in this case when children are involved, they are the ones ending up paying the price of it eventually.

That said, "communication" is the key here, like always in any conflict situation.
It is clear that there are some things troubling your wife and therefore you as well, so these are points that should be discussed between you both.
The chance on success and fruitful results, is greatly depending on how to initiate such discussions, when , where, her mood, most important in this is, as said before, try to find a common ground or reason for starting these discussions and make it as neutral as possible, clearly show vulnerability and the possibility for you being wrong or you being the one needing help, nobody is helped with a blame game and it will only get people switch to defensive mode.. at such point they will be closed off for further reasoning and not willing to consider other opinions and or points of view, only search for other not related points to win, and the discussion will derail and end up talking about non related issues.
As a good example you can search on this forum for discussions between me and Finlandgirl... in these discussions you can see both of us being very defensive and I will let it to other readers, to judge about the righteousness of either ones arguments.

Back to your situation, I will sent you a PM with the continuation of this thread / discussion, check you inbox later today.
Thank you very much indeed for your deep insight and PM. I got it and replied to it as well. I can't see any thing in my "sent" folder. I don't know why. Please let me know if you have received my reply. I also personally feel that I should take a stepwise approach starting with family counselling.
Finlandgirl must have a thought behind her point of view and let's listen to it as well.

FinlandGirl
Posts: 1100
Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2019 10:43 am

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by FinlandGirl » Tue Nov 29, 2022 4:04 pm

OrdinaryMan wrote:
Sun Nov 27, 2022 7:00 pm
Since she is Ph.D in Chemistry and Master in Linguistics, when it comes to child education, she thinks she is more capable than the school teachers and can teach kids better. This is not a problem itself, but when she starts degrading the kids' teachers and express that verbally. This started to be quite concerning for me, as it is like damaging the kids' trust toward their own teachers and institution. I have always tried to deflect such remarks but they keep on coming.
OrdinaryMan wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 7:22 am
Another aspect of my son's personality is also that he develops an opinion about any educational task or concept, which is usually wrong, and then he keeps on insisting and arguing about it. This drains a lot of energy of my wife. which surely causes stress.
This sounds as if he follows the example he sees from his mother, and while you have plenty of experience dealing with such behaviour she does not know how to cope with the little copy of herself.

For a child of this age such behaviour is not worrisome, and things will likely get worse until the end of puberty
Having two such people is a recipe for disaster, and she is the one who has to learn to behave like an adult.

Does she realize that this problem exists because he copies her behaviour?

OrdinaryMan
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2022 6:27 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by OrdinaryMan » Tue Nov 29, 2022 4:16 pm

FinlandGirl wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 4:04 pm
OrdinaryMan wrote:
Sun Nov 27, 2022 7:00 pm
Since she is Ph.D in Chemistry and Master in Linguistics, when it comes to child education, she thinks she is more capable than the school teachers and can teach kids better. This is not a problem itself, but when she starts degrading the kids' teachers and express that verbally. This started to be quite concerning for me, as it is like damaging the kids' trust toward their own teachers and institution. I have always tried to deflect such remarks but they keep on coming.
OrdinaryMan wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 7:22 am
Another aspect of my son's personality is also that he develops an opinion about any educational task or concept, which is usually wrong, and then he keeps on insisting and arguing about it. This drains a lot of energy of my wife. which surely causes stress.
This sounds as if he follows the example he sees from his mother, and while you have plenty of experience dealing with such behaviour she does not know how to cope with the little copy of herself.

For a child of this age such behaviour is not worrisome, and things will likely get worse until the end of puberty
Having two such people is a recipe for disaster, and she is the one who has to learn to behave like an adult.
Thanks for the insight. I am a father and a husband at the same time and feel myself trapped in this triangle. I still feel that family counselling is the way to go and if issue is properly addressed, she would realise it, hopefully.

NukkuMatti
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 9:51 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by NukkuMatti » Mon Dec 05, 2022 12:51 pm

FinlandGirl wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 3:50 pm
NukkuMatti wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 11:08 am
First of all, please disregard the remarks of Finlandgirl, in my opinion her remarks are in general negative:
I would never suggest anything like a divorce, especially not in this case when children are involved, they are the ones ending up paying the price of it eventually.
You would never suggest anything like a divorce, even if one spouse would regularly beat and rape the children?

In many cases taking away the children from an abusive parent is (or would be) the best solution, and then the non-abusive parent cannot both stay in the relationship and live together with the child.

It is not clear whether this is the least bad option in this specific case, but it is worth considering in advance whether a divorce would be better or worse than the status quo if everything else does not work.
There we go again.... this was not the case, nobody here was talking about beating and raping children... why for X sake do you want to drag this conversation into something that depraved and sick, in those cases you do not even need to divorce, the person will go to jail and will get restraining order... it is a criminal procedure... we are not talking about crime here...of course someone divorces then... WTF....

jees...... get a life... This is exactly what I mean with you always dragging things into the negative.... my screens has this dark black afterglow when your posts are mingled between the normal people's posts....

FinlandGirl
Posts: 1100
Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2019 10:43 am

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by FinlandGirl » Mon Dec 05, 2022 8:07 pm

NukkuMatti wrote:
Mon Dec 05, 2022 12:51 pm
FinlandGirl wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 3:50 pm
NukkuMatti wrote:
Tue Nov 29, 2022 11:08 am
First of all, please disregard the remarks of Finlandgirl, in my opinion her remarks are in general negative:
I would never suggest anything like a divorce, especially not in this case when children are involved, they are the ones ending up paying the price of it eventually.
You would never suggest anything like a divorce, even if one spouse would regularly beat and rape the children?

In many cases taking away the children from an abusive parent is (or would be) the best solution, and then the non-abusive parent cannot both stay in the relationship and live together with the child.

It is not clear whether this is the least bad option in this specific case, but it is worth considering in advance whether a divorce would be better or worse than the status quo if everything else does not work.
There we go again.... this was not the case, nobody here was talking about beating and raping children... why for X sake do you want to drag this conversation into something that depraved and sick, in those cases you do not even need to divorce, the person will go to jail and will get restraining order... it is a criminal procedure... we are not talking about crime here...of course someone divorces then... WTF....
We are talking about crime here.
Some of the described behaviour by the mother is severe enough that it could be prosecuted under criminal law.
If the mother does not change and perheneuvola knows about it, can they not remove the child from the household of an abusive parent?

NukkuMatti
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 9:51 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by NukkuMatti » Mon Dec 05, 2022 9:43 pm

FinlandGirl wrote:
Mon Dec 05, 2022 8:07 pm


We are talking about crime here.
Some of the described behaviour by the mother is severe enough that it could be prosecuted under criminal law.
If the mother does not change and perheneuvola knows about it, can they not remove the child from the household of an abusive parent?
The title of this thread is: Mother bullying "her" son.

There is no mentioning of anything like slapping or using physical violence, therefore (there is) no (proof of / witnessing of that a) criminal act has been committed.
The naming of the incidents in OP's first post, is merely indirect and a too vague report of his current worries and events, than a statement to conclude any crime has been committed. It is reason to worry about the well being of the WHOLE family though.

So again: Stop for x-sake making everything so negative and assume not immediately the worst in all you replies..
People (like the mother in this story) are much more willing to listen to advice if the advice is less extreme and situations are not forced.
As OP already says himself, the family counseling is the way to address this issue... let it go....you are NOT helping here...IMHO your reactions sound / act more like "gaslighting".

In any case you are clearly not a social worker familiar with intercultural family problems, so maybe it is wise to refrain form such comments as you made, on posts like this, in the future, unless you were an eye witness of all events yourself and really saw a crime being committed.

The big problem I have with your advice in this thread, is that there is no undoing, the steps you mentioned are irreversible and shut off a lot of other options. Even when only mentioning such possible steps = "threats" to the mother.
It will cause her to go on the defense and shut herself off for any communication with the other party due to the hostile and threatening nature of the remark / attack on her core of being a worried mom. It will get you nowhere. That is not good counseling! Trust me, I know! (as do a lot of others here).
In these situations, in the best interest of the child AND father and Mother, you need all the options you can get, then it does not help to immediately close 90% of all options off already.

About perheneuvola and their abilities, no they cannot remove the child. They can report a troubling situation to child protection services if they feel this is warranted, in extreme situations they will call the police.
After this child protection services will come and visit, to assess the situation, interview the 12 yr old about his opinion (hence he is 12 he must be heard by law). Then Child protection services will discuss options, depending on the situation and the acute safety of the child...
At this point there is still so many options open compared to threatening with divorce, so many ways of family counseling, health care options (in mental problems with kids and or parents) like nupoli and psykopoli..
Totally at the end of the road, when this help does not result in a solution and the health of the child remains in danger, Child protection services can decide what to do next (including placing the kid in a foster home until the father is divorced (and has the capacity to raise the kids alone and gets custody).
Real life examples show that it will probably mean that the kid will be in protective foster care or a foster care institute until it is 18, because the average level of education and intelligence of the current social workers at child protection services... well to say it politely: it leaves a lot of room for improvement (Understatement).

Like I said before, you seem to want to skip to the last part immediately. NOT GOOD!

FinlandGirl
Posts: 1100
Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2019 10:43 am

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by FinlandGirl » Mon Dec 05, 2022 11:01 pm

NukkuMatti wrote:
Mon Dec 05, 2022 9:43 pm
FinlandGirl wrote:
Mon Dec 05, 2022 8:07 pm


We are talking about crime here.
Some of the described behaviour by the mother is severe enough that it could be prosecuted under criminal law.
If the mother does not change and perheneuvola knows about it, can they not remove the child from the household of an abusive parent?
The title of this thread is: Mother bullying "her" son.

There is no mentioning of anything like slapping or using physical violence, therefore (there is) no (proof of / witnessing of that a) criminal act has been committed.
The naming of the incidents in OP's first post, is merely indirect and a too vague report of his current worries and events, than a statement to conclude any crime has been committed.
OrdinaryMan wrote:
Sun Nov 27, 2022 7:00 pm
Moreover, for the ordinary life matters, she is always shouting on my son. Two days ago, my son put a shampoo on his hair forgetting to wet his hair beforehand. She got extremely furious and abused him in the toilet for 10-15 minutes with immense shouting. Today, he was doing his school project and while cutting a drawing, it was over cut. She immediately started shouting on him and calling him names.
These are descriptions of specific incidents that can lead to a criminal conviction for assault, and there are several family members who are witnesses.
NukkuMatti wrote:
Mon Dec 05, 2022 9:43 pm
The big problem I have with your advice in this thread, is that there is no undoing, the steps you mentioned are irreversible and shut off a lot of other options. Even when only mentioning such possible steps = "threats" to the mother.
You are either bad at reading or intentionally misrepresenting what I wrote.

I was never suggesting to start by threatening to have the children taken away from her or by telling her that her abuse can lead to a criminal conviction.
FinlandGirl wrote:
Mon Nov 28, 2022 11:32 pm
You have been together with her for over a decade, how realistic is it that she would follow to advice from someone?
From whom (authorities, friends, her family) would she most likely accept advice? Is there anyone?
This is the preferred solution, but what happens or should happen if it fails?
FinlandGirl wrote:
Mon Nov 28, 2022 11:32 pm
Based on your description, asking family counselling (perheneuvola) for advice might be most useful if you are willing to go for the divorce solution if necessary to protect your children.
Explaining the situation to perheneuvola is an irreversible point of no return.
OrdinaryMan wrote:
Sun Nov 27, 2022 7:00 pm
This is no doubt child abuse by his own mother. I feel fully trapped in such a messy situation. I am seriously considering to report it to authorities. But it will be with consequences. Does any body know, if I report this offence, do social workers take child in their own custody?
This is an accurate description what perheneuvola is supposed to do when they know that a person who continues to abuse a child is living in the household.

heretostay
Posts: 597
Joined: Sat Apr 08, 2017 12:54 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by heretostay » Tue Dec 06, 2022 7:41 am

If you report this the social workers will work with the mother to help the family situation. Taking the child away is the absolute last resort and requires many many repeated violations with clearly no hope for improvement. I have personal experience with lastensuojelu and my children. They actually helped me and my kids when I was alone caring for children and had health problems. This is unlike in my home country and I was afraid at first to trust them. But it was very clear after first meeting that they actually want to help keep the family together and not take children away. I got family therapist visiting my home, weekly house cleaning and practical advice. All for free. They even arranged child care in my home on a Sunday through MLL at no cost to me one weekend when I was overwhelmed. My suggestion is to contact lastensuojelu and tell the situation.

37yqp8098y5
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2022 2:13 pm

Re: A Mother Bullying His Own Son

Post by 37yqp8098y5 » Mon Dec 19, 2022 2:52 pm

Hey, any update OP?

Sorry to hear about this. It sounds like a terrifying situation and something that if not stopped soon it will likely (or already) has damage to your children's future regarding their own mental health.

1. First and most important thing is to try and keep the situation calm as you have.
2. Talk to social services and ask them to intervene with your wife.
3. Explain to your wife why you asked this and help her understand that her behaviour is not only immoral, it's illegal.
4. If the situation does not improve quickly, contact the police and ask them to step in and speak to your wife.
5. If she still does not improve, then it's time to take the threat of divorce to her directly - explaining you have done all that you can.

Always ask social services for support to you and also make the matter known to the police and keep a LOT of evidence like videos and voice recordings. You will absolutely be expected to provide real evidence if you want custody.

It sounds like your wife is likely suffering from some undiagnosed mental illness or trauma. I am not a medical professional but I would be looking it possible bipolar or otherwise. I would recommend that you send her to a psychiatrist. This is more than just 'delusions of grandeur' she is having.

Please keep us updated. I pray for the safety of your kids.


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