What to do?Nanny with a problematic child
Re: What to do?Nanny with a problematic child
I'd just buy one of these for when you're out in public with the little monster.
Re: What to do?Nanny with a problematic child
Hi Camilee,
I sympathise with you, you are in a truly difficult position. It may be that young Ville has some behavioral disorder. My son has autism which started to manifest at that age, though I didn't realise it at the time. It was only when he was at school that a teacher who was interested in children with learning difficulties pointed out that our son was different out of the home and that we needed to do something about it. Young Ville's parents probably never see his bad side, they would automatically adapt to his needs, though the new baby may have changed this somewhat. My son didn't do what Ville is doing, so I'm not suggesting that Ville has autism, however Ville's behaviour strikes me as odd. Most children don't continue to misbehave in response to experienced and consistent adult care like you are providing, and also are not so extremely oppositional like Ville seems to be. It may be a good idea to have a chat to an experienced teacher about Ville-they are most likely to have seen nearly every shade of nastiness in children come through their classroom.
So what can you do? I would suggest that you keep a very detailed diary of Ville's behaviour. This is what clinical psychologists do when they observe children and assess their behaviour. If you do do this try to be as prepared as possible before your day starts. Do some activities that would normally bring out the worst in Ville so you will have a record of what happens. Since you are most likely too busy to write what is happening, use your mobile phone or voice recorder to record voice messages every 15 to 20 mins. Make notes of his moods, expressions, whether he's playing with somebody cooperatively or just next to him; how much, what and when he eats; how he interacts with you - does he ever ask you for things with words or does he prefer to use gestures; when he's energetic is it purposeful such as playing a game or is it aimless running about? Make sure that the activity report is Ville focussed and does not include how you felt about his behaviour. Do record what actions you took to good and bad behaviour and how other children react to Ville. Psychologists who assessed my son observed him for 3 hours to get a good sample of his in class and outside play behaviour. Since you're not looking for something in particular I would recommend that you try to record as much of Ville's behaviour for as long as possible during the day.
Type up Ville's activity description for your chosen day and organise an appointment with Ville's parents. Have a list of behaviours that concern you. Give them the activity report some time before so they can read what Ville did. Remind them that you are on Ville's side and that problem behaviours are easier to manage earlier rather than later in life. Ask for their support to improve his behaviour and suggest that they take him to a doctor to make sure that there is nothing else that is bothering him. Give them some time and space to digest this appointment - they don't need to do things instantly, just soon. It is hard for parents to move from the idea that their child is fine to their child is not OK. Ask the parents a few days later if they have come up with something to help improve Ville's behaviour. If the parents then refuse to acknowledge that Ville has problem behaviours, then you must inform them that you cannot continue to look after him without them doing something about his behaviour. It is dangerous for yourself and for the other children in your care. You have then done everything you can for Ville and you can only hope that the Finnish system catches him and helps him despite he's woeful parents.
All the best and I truly hope that Ville's parents are also interested in helping him improve his behaviour.
Lydia.
I sympathise with you, you are in a truly difficult position. It may be that young Ville has some behavioral disorder. My son has autism which started to manifest at that age, though I didn't realise it at the time. It was only when he was at school that a teacher who was interested in children with learning difficulties pointed out that our son was different out of the home and that we needed to do something about it. Young Ville's parents probably never see his bad side, they would automatically adapt to his needs, though the new baby may have changed this somewhat. My son didn't do what Ville is doing, so I'm not suggesting that Ville has autism, however Ville's behaviour strikes me as odd. Most children don't continue to misbehave in response to experienced and consistent adult care like you are providing, and also are not so extremely oppositional like Ville seems to be. It may be a good idea to have a chat to an experienced teacher about Ville-they are most likely to have seen nearly every shade of nastiness in children come through their classroom.
So what can you do? I would suggest that you keep a very detailed diary of Ville's behaviour. This is what clinical psychologists do when they observe children and assess their behaviour. If you do do this try to be as prepared as possible before your day starts. Do some activities that would normally bring out the worst in Ville so you will have a record of what happens. Since you are most likely too busy to write what is happening, use your mobile phone or voice recorder to record voice messages every 15 to 20 mins. Make notes of his moods, expressions, whether he's playing with somebody cooperatively or just next to him; how much, what and when he eats; how he interacts with you - does he ever ask you for things with words or does he prefer to use gestures; when he's energetic is it purposeful such as playing a game or is it aimless running about? Make sure that the activity report is Ville focussed and does not include how you felt about his behaviour. Do record what actions you took to good and bad behaviour and how other children react to Ville. Psychologists who assessed my son observed him for 3 hours to get a good sample of his in class and outside play behaviour. Since you're not looking for something in particular I would recommend that you try to record as much of Ville's behaviour for as long as possible during the day.
Type up Ville's activity description for your chosen day and organise an appointment with Ville's parents. Have a list of behaviours that concern you. Give them the activity report some time before so they can read what Ville did. Remind them that you are on Ville's side and that problem behaviours are easier to manage earlier rather than later in life. Ask for their support to improve his behaviour and suggest that they take him to a doctor to make sure that there is nothing else that is bothering him. Give them some time and space to digest this appointment - they don't need to do things instantly, just soon. It is hard for parents to move from the idea that their child is fine to their child is not OK. Ask the parents a few days later if they have come up with something to help improve Ville's behaviour. If the parents then refuse to acknowledge that Ville has problem behaviours, then you must inform them that you cannot continue to look after him without them doing something about his behaviour. It is dangerous for yourself and for the other children in your care. You have then done everything you can for Ville and you can only hope that the Finnish system catches him and helps him despite he's woeful parents.
All the best and I truly hope that Ville's parents are also interested in helping him improve his behaviour.
Lydia.
Re: What to do?Nanny with a problematic child
Sorry Camilee,
I didn't read the last page of posts-too late at night. You have already spoken to the parents which is great, especially since you are seeing some improvements and they're doing similar things as you.
I disagree about seeing the neuvola being too early at this stage - I wish I had seen somebody professional with my son at the age of 3. Other mildly autistic children who had treatment at that age are so much better at coping with school, friends, changes and life than my son is. He only started getting treated at age 8, far too late to affect significant change for him.
The behaviour diary could still be very useful for the parents to take to a doctor for Ville. Parents with young children typically have their heads filled with cotton wool because of the tiredness. Having something on paper to hand over to a doctor is so much easier than trying to remember a list of things to mention to the doctor. Ask the parents if they would be interested in having this diary and if they could have a chat to the people at the perhe neuvola about Ville.
Again, all the best,
Lydia.
I didn't read the last page of posts-too late at night. You have already spoken to the parents which is great, especially since you are seeing some improvements and they're doing similar things as you.
I disagree about seeing the neuvola being too early at this stage - I wish I had seen somebody professional with my son at the age of 3. Other mildly autistic children who had treatment at that age are so much better at coping with school, friends, changes and life than my son is. He only started getting treated at age 8, far too late to affect significant change for him.
The behaviour diary could still be very useful for the parents to take to a doctor for Ville. Parents with young children typically have their heads filled with cotton wool because of the tiredness. Having something on paper to hand over to a doctor is so much easier than trying to remember a list of things to mention to the doctor. Ask the parents if they would be interested in having this diary and if they could have a chat to the people at the perhe neuvola about Ville.
Again, all the best,
Lydia.
Re: What to do?Nanny with a problematic child
Thank you Lydia and thank you to everyone who tried to help me. Unfortunately the situation is over but it ended badly. I couldn´t stand his behaviour towards everyone but especially towards me, because his agressivity increased and I was already holding this for too long, and I was afraid to explode in any moment. I was on the verge to have anxiety attacks two times in one week, and I cried the whole day. I couldn´t switch my mind off after work and it was ruining my personal life in every aspect.
The thing is, the parents didn´t help me at all, and I feel really disappointed. I thought they cared a bit about me but now I know they didn´t. They saw me crying every single day, and I told several times that it was impossible to continue, but they didn´t listen to me at all because they never contemplated the idea of having a few days off and try it again. Looks like they didn´t want to make the effort to find another nanny or, which is really strange, have him at home, something that looked easy, as the mother is on maternity leave.
Thanks for the support again!
The thing is, the parents didn´t help me at all, and I feel really disappointed. I thought they cared a bit about me but now I know they didn´t. They saw me crying every single day, and I told several times that it was impossible to continue, but they didn´t listen to me at all because they never contemplated the idea of having a few days off and try it again. Looks like they didn´t want to make the effort to find another nanny or, which is really strange, have him at home, something that looked easy, as the mother is on maternity leave.
Thanks for the support again!
Re: What to do?Nanny with a problematic child
Sorry to hear your predicament.
But it didn't come as a complete surprise.
When things sound strange and the situation doesn't look right, start looking for hidden agenda's.
It was a bad experience, but it'll make you stronger in the rest of your life.
Good luck.
But it didn't come as a complete surprise.
I don't want to sound like "I told you so", but it seems you have concentrated your attention on the child and forgot to look at the overall picture.rinso wrote:That is the first step to put the blame on you if something goes wrong.The parents know it and Ville´s parents say that he doesn´t behave like this at home-at all.
If the parents are not taking you serious and supporting you, you better start looking for another job.
When things sound strange and the situation doesn't look right, start looking for hidden agenda's.
It was a bad experience, but it'll make you stronger in the rest of your life.
Good luck.