Really in need of help, wife seperated, want to stay & study

[justaguy]

With this troubled history of your relation I wouldn't count on support of your wife when you need it.

Lots can change in over a year

Now she feels free of you she might need an official free status when entering a new relationship. (new bf doesn't like her being married still. "show commitment to me and divorce him!)
Relying on her put you in a completely dependent position. One phone call of her to immigration about the changed situation (remember the pissed off new bf) and you will have a lot of explaining to do. (And buying yourself a one way ticket back to Australia.)

There isn't another guy. I don't know what you think women are, in that you think that they can one day hop out of a 4 year relationship, and straight into another.
My wife is depressed because I'm a lousy husband and I took my life for granted. I've got my work cut out for me. Sure I wasn't the worst partner, granted she still loves me and wants to keep in constant contact. But I left a lot to be desired.

Anyway she's done me a favor, forcing me out. When you push a person off their cloud, so they may hit the ground and see the mess that they caused it can only be a positive thing. I try to see all things with some positivity. This is different from last time. At the time being, my situation is hopeless and I have pretty much nothing here for me in Finland. To not have hope, is to not know love. That's something that came to mind when I was biking home in the rain yesterday, from seeing her.

I'm young, my wife is young and after reading as many 'divorce' threads as I could find on the forums here over the last couple of days, added together with just how things are at current. I believe that there is a chance I can save this marriage. I just have to destroy the identity that I have created for myself, put aside my dignity and do what I should have done a long time ago.

I'm more surprised you didn't mention a huge computer transport problem there in the middle of all this...

Hohoho, mock me all you want. I'm sure you never had a childhood passion, and I'm very sure none of your passions negatively affected your relationship(s). I sold my computer yesterday actually for ~1400€. I recieved the money today and the buyer intends to pick it up tomorrow afternoon actually when I get back from 'school'. This will most definitely be the last forum post I ever make from it. I obviously should never have bought it, my wife always left me signs and hints and stuff. I should have spent the odd thousand on a camera that she deserves and that she would be briliant with. Although in my defence I did buy her a Macbook Air.

I figured sometime ago after this happened that I came to this country with nothing, I might as well leave with nothing, materialistic that is. All that matters now, (if everything is to really end) is the last few memories I make with the person I love. Whether it be that, or leaving her finger with the diamond that she always deserved but never got. A man should be entitled to have the things that he has always wanted, but in all honesty. I got to keep this PC for long enough, I got to use it for a few months. This was my childhood passion, I am sure all of you can relate to that in someway. Whether or not you wanted a gameboy or your first scooter. I wanted a computer that I had built myself, that I could be proud of. That's all.

But like I said. I came here with nothing, I'll leave here with nothing. I can't take my PC with me to the Australian Defence Force anyway. Besides, it'd be far better for my mieli to go back home with just the clothes on my back and my memories, than with a machine in pieces that I could possibly half blame for my reason for returning home.

I'm going to have a talk to her and see if this can't be sorted out. I could write a book on what I plan to say but it's no one's business and it's all irrelevant to the topic anyway.
If nothing can be sorted out amicably then I agree... it will be time to give up the dream of Finnish lakes and Mammi and go back to Australia. Enough is enough. I honestly came here to live with her, and if I can't do that I'd rather just leave and end this madness already.

Handle the situation from your own strength. And if you cannot manage on your own, you're probably better of down under.

I have no chance in hell of living here on 198€ of Opintoraha. That thought didn't last more than a few hours. I came back to the forums here for a dose of reality, because I knew how helpful it would be and I knew that I needed it. The sooner the better. The only question left is, will she be willing to accept the change.

At least she has nothing to lose from it. In the end if I can't change her mind, we seperate with a few more good memories and I leave Finland most definitely for good.

So.... thanks for the help. You lot telling me it's impossible helped me come to the conclusion that I now have, and allowed me to focus on the only thing that matters.

[cors187]

I have no chance in hell of living here on 198€ of Opintoraha. That thought didn't last more than a few hours. I came back to the forums here for a dose of reality, because I knew how helpful it would be and I knew that I needed it. The sooner the better. The only question left is, will she be willing to accept the change.

At least she has nothing to lose from it. In the end if I can't change her mind, we seperate with a few more good memories and I leave Finland most definitely for good.

So.... thanks for the help. You lot telling me it's impossible helped me come to the conclusion that I now have, and allowed me to focus on the only thing that matters.

find a job and start to live your life as the family provider.
keep inviting your wife to come and join you.
if she comes to you = this is the strongest way a couple can move forward.

[rinso]

With this troubled history of your relation I wouldn't count on support of your wife when you need it.

Lots can change in over a year

You're out on the street again.

Now she feels free of you she might need an official free status when entering a new relationship. (new bf doesn't like her being married still. "show commitment to me and divorce him!)
Relying on her put you in a completely dependent position. One phone call of her to immigration about the changed situation (remember the pissed off new bf) and you will have a lot of explaining to do. (And buying yourself a one way ticket back to Australia.)

There isn't another guy.

There will be.
When you're gone, there is room for another one. It might take some time, but she will start a new relationship.
And what do you think about her family? Staying married just to give you an excuse for a residence permit is the perfect example of a fake marriage. Family might persuade her not to take those kind of risks herself.

[justaguy]

You might have a point rinso. But at the moment those are both the concerns furthest from my mind.
Because I can't do anything about them. I have other things I'm working on now.

A friend of mine from Kela said that whilst on Opintotuki my wife's income isn't counted towards my payment and that I probably wouldn't be denied Asumistuki.

Also my wife and her mother don't speak and her father is already passed.
I was her only 'family'.

But anyway, one thing at a time.

[Pursuivant]

I don't know what you think women are,

Already the Vikings knew
84
Meyjar orðum
skyli manngi trúa
né því er kveðr kona
því at á hverfanda hvéli
váru þeim hjörtu sköpuð
brigð í brjóst um lagit


maidens words,
should nobody trust
nor in what says a woman,
for on a turning wheel,
were their hearts shaped
fickleness in their breast laid

[TwoThree]

My wife is depressed because I'm a lousy husband and I took my life for granted. I've got my work cut out for me. Sure I wasn't the worst partner, granted she still loves me and wants to keep in constant contact. But I left a lot to be desired.

[...]

I'm young, my wife is young and after reading as many 'divorce' threads as I could find on the forums here over the last couple of days, added together with just how things are at current. I believe that there is a chance I can save this marriage. I just have to destroy the identity that I have created for myself, put aside my dignity and do what I should have done a long time ago.

I don't have any insight to offer about you situation, except that this isn't at all a healthy way to consider a relationship. There isn't a woman on earth who deserves that you lose your integrity and self-worth just to please her. I hope you realize that sooner rather than later.

[justaguy]

I suppose that's one way of looking at it but what if my integrity is of the worst kind? Should I still not embark on a change of lifestyle that no matter the consequences, would lead to a healtier and more active life?

I'm sorry if you don't feel like you've met anyone that you would do anything for, and that isn't meant to sound derogatory or anything. I just don't know how else to put it.

[rinso]

I believe that there is a chance I can save this marriage. I just have to destroy the identity that I have created for myself, put aside my dignity and do what I should have done a long time ago.

That sound like a desperate panic move. And I doubt if it will work.
You realize that you have made mistakes and that you should change (which is good).
But you sound you're trying to change overnight into a person that is not you.
It will make you miserable and unsure and you'll make other mistakes.
You have to change, but only so far as you feel comfortable with.
The remaining gap has to be closed by your wife.
If that is not possible you have to admit the relation wasn't meant to last.
But have you still time? Like Floyd said it seems she has made up her mind.

And can you put all the blame on you? Financial stress often generates tension in a relation.
If that is not solved, the relation will remain in stormy weather.

[justaguy]

Thanks for the continuous replies

Wife and I have been talking, she wants to see a counsellor together. IIRC from previous threads here I remember reading that some couples can get free counselling (to an extent) in their municipality of residence.
Is that correct or am I mistaken?

I had those threads saved as bookmarks on my computer but it's gone and sold now.

[Upphew]

Thanks for the continuous replies

Wife and I have been talking, she wants to see a counsellor together. IIRC from previous threads here I remember reading that some couples can get free counselling (to an extent) in their municipality of residence.
Is that correct or am I mistaken?

I had those threads saved as bookmarks on my computer but it's gone and sold now.

http://evl.fi/EVLen.nsf/Documents/E7E06 ... nt&lang=EN

[Flossy1978]

Gees... Why'd you bother to come back to Finland?

Didn't we just see you go through this some time ago? You broke up with your wife and ran back home to Australia and now came back to be with her, but again have broken up.

And Daddy funded you too last time, if I remember right LOL. What a nice Daddy you have LOL.

How old are you by the way?

[obakesan]

Uhmm

coming in real late here but ...

I wanted a computer that I had built myself, that I could be proud of. That's all.

dude, when you have some hand in it (like designing a circuit board) rather than just assembling stuff that any half trained kiddie can do then you'll have done something towards building your own computer. Sorry, but as an electronics engineer it galls me when people say "I built this" and they can't even work out how to set up a NE-555 as an oscillator.

Sheesh, its like nimbin hippie tie died set "building their own house" when they had all the lumber cut and use (el cheapo bunnings chink) power tools

best of luck there mate (with the relationship that is)

[justaguy]

Haha some of these replies are so contrived.

Anyway, so today we were supposed to try this counselling. But I ended up going over early to find her with another guy in bed from work.
We talked. I was fine, she was embarassed, the guy wanted to jump off the balcony. In the middle of all the drama he got a text from his best friend that his ex-girlfriend (who broke up with him a month ago) has just killed herself hours earlier.

Ooh Finland I love how you work! Call it karma, call it whatever.

I have a date with the police station tomorrow to find out what my rights are as a divorced man. Divorce papers are setting to the left of me on the table. It feels nice to have been the one who got them.
Kela seems to think that because I am in the system and I have a henkilötunnus and have for at least 2 years that I am entitled to Opintotuki and Asumistuki as well as Opintolaina regardless of my Marital status or permit.
So the deal is tomorrow to go and tell the cops what's happening, work out what I am entitled to by having had lived here for these past years and jumped through all the hoops and worked blah blah blah. I've paid tax all the way through being here, whilst working at IB and and doing various things.

We'll see how hospitable Finland is, or if they tell me I have no options.

I have money but my wife froze our bank accounts, cards, netbank and all.
She also disconnected my phone. No hard feelings there, it IS in her name.
But the bank accounts were a bit much, I dunno why she had to take mine down, she could cancel her own if she wanted to but whatever.

This could have all been worked out so nicely if she had stopped feeding me bread crumbs, bs and other nonsense to keep me hanging on and around when she needed the storage key or her computer fixed etc.
Good grief, the sight of a terrible marriage when you get out of one is like nothing I can explain haha.

Hopefully in the future we can look each other in the eye. But I'm glad the truth finally came out and I got to actually SEE how delusional and !"#¤% insane she is. I mean really, to throw away all of this for the guy she was messing around with.



Not sure if I will boomerang back to Australia and the ADF. A career, real friends, some stability, money, a stable routine and more importantly some @#$% distance between this country would probably be a healthy option.
Then again if Finland says that I'm an 'equal' (oho) and that I am entitled to what Finnish students are then I could very well end up staying, doing my degree and living here just like any other Finnish student. Oulu night-life, summer job small place to call my own and a terrible ex-girlfriend living in the same city. That's never been done before /sarcasm

Anyway. Police, Another Phonecall to the ADF, Trip to the bank to get my Netbank opened again and maybe a few beers at the bar.
Wednesday is going to be a good day. I'm just so glad that this didn't go on for one second longer.

[justaguy]

Anyway, so today we were supposed to try this counselling. But I ended up going over early to find her with another guy in bed from work.
We talked. I was fine, she was embarassed, the guy wanted to jump off the balcony. In the middle of all the drama he got a text from his best friend that his ex-girlfriend (who broke up with him a month ago) has just killed herself hours earlier.

Good grief, this surely must be a premise for a soap opera.

Welcome to Finland. I can't say that persuivant didn't warn (us).

We'll see how hospitable Finland is, or if they tell me I have no options.

Sadly, it's going to be the latter unless you're able to get a job.

We'll have to see about that. Frankly at this point it's the least of my concerns, I just want an answer so I know better what to do with myself.

[rinso]

Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

There isn't another guy.

There will be.

Anyway, so today we were supposed to try this counselling. But I ended up going over early to find her with another guy in bed from work.

Take your life in your own hands and start doing what you really want to do.
Don't react and try to adjust, but put yourself in the first place.