Finnish Social Security

[AldenG]

If you're telling the truth, you're right: she is indeed dangerous, even more so than you realize. Even if there were a bit of (statistically very unlikely) pregnancy-induced psychosis in play, there are still clear elements of personality and deliberate choice in your narrative that make her just what she sounds like.

It is impossible for you to rescue the child she is carrying, which may or may not be yours in biological fact, but will not be yours in Finnish law (thus presumably EU law) if she says it isn't. Entirely impossible, though you can irrecoverably ruin your own life in the attempt. The best you can hope for is to rescue yourself by severing all contact AND getting the personal help for yourself that others have recommended. And getting a restraining order against her.

Once you are actively fleeing her, you will most likely (and unfortunately) find that she once again turns 180 degrees and you can't get rid of her. You will wish you could get her excluded at the border as in those good old days.

But as you describe it, you're practically a basket case yourself, hardly in any condition to cope with a healthy relationship, much less this death-spiral you're caught up in. And it was no coincidence. These people like her can smell the ones like you from miles away, like moths scenting pheromones. If you get past this, the likelihood is that you're going to end up in another very similar relationship, though possibly with a less dangerous manipulator. You won't have to find the relationship - it will find you if you are unable to change the things in yourself that got you suckered into this one.

The only way you get out of this without ending up in jail or worse is to cut yourself off from her and stay out of Finland. Better yet, disappear somewhere unexpected so that she can't find you.

Eventually social services may recognize the danger she presents to her children and rescue them, though that's pretty iffy. What is certain is that you can't. It would be at best an outside chance in England, but in Finland a total impossibility. Too many things are stacked against you, any one of which would normally be sufficient in itself. Don't throw your life away trying to be a romantic idiot, even about fatherhood if not about her. You will lose this battle if you engage. Don't engage with her, don't engage with her family, don't engage with social services. Disengage and disappear. She's a hand grenade, and whoever is around her when she blows herself up is going to get smoked along with her.

All this assumes you're telling us the truth, of course. Personally, I'm convinced you're having us on. And not only but neither least because your story is too close to the last one that trolled through here. That's its own kind of pathetic cycle. Either way, you need more help than a forum can give you.

[FinnGuyHelsinki]

You're welcome to think what you want.

So can I not by law demand a DNA test from the child and myself and prove paternity that way?

If the mother opposes it (the process of determining the child's father, whatever the exact term may be), the father has to raise a claim in court for DNA testing, supposedly within one year of the child's birth. The court will then rule on the matter, not automatically in favor of the claimant but usually so. I suggest you seek proper legal advice on the matter.

[rinso]

So can I not by law demand a DNA test from the child and myself and prove paternity that way?

You can, but that probably won't help you.
When your paternity is established you become liable for child maintenance payments.
And then the mother can get a restraining order against you for her and the baby with some story she had to leave you because you were violent. She already has established the background for that with her family. She's a nut case, but very smart in manipulating things her way.

[Rip]

So can I not by law demand a DNA test from the child and myself and prove paternity that way?

You would not still be living with the child and the way you tell the story it sounds you'd have hard fight to get even visitation rights.

[AldenG]

If you pursue that course, she'll easily manipulate you right into jail - or at the very least into a police record that will cut off most of your possibilities in life, including emigration. You are so far out of your depth that you're about to become ground meat.

Becoming a father doesn't solve what's ailing you. It just adds a new crapload of problems on top of everything else, and the conflict will ruin any already-small chance the child has of growing up normal and healthy. Even if you got full custody (though in actuality you won't even get visitation), you would be in no position to provide a healthy childhood. What people call love (but in this situation is often an unhealthy mixture of pride, attempted self-redemption or self-healing, and other ingredients) is not enough. Not by a long shot.

[betelgeuse]

You're welcome to think what you want.

So can I not by law demand a DNA test from the child and myself and prove paternity that way?

If the mother opposes it (the process of determining the child's father, whatever the exact term may be), the father has to raise a claim in court for DNA testing, supposedly within one year of the child's birth. The court will then rule on the matter, not automatically in favor of the claimant but usually so. I suggest you seek proper legal advice on the matter.

It's one year from getting notice about related administrative decisions:

http://www.finlex.fi/fi/laki/alkup/2015 ... Pidp718240

It's unlikely these will be served to the UK so no need to worry about the right getting old. However, it's still a good idea to proceed within a year. OP: remember that being marked as father and being the legal guardian are two different things. The former you can claim by DNA but the latter requires convincing a court.

[ajdias]

What about her ex, where does he live, what is his role in the upbringing of the daughters?
Unless I've missed something, you've only shared that they were married 5 years. He probably doesn't have much of a role in his kids life if she is able to move between countries in a whim (Let me guess, he was violent towards her? Perhaps, like "you were"? )

I'm bringing this up not to dig into the story but to ask you what kind of a role do you see yourself playing in the life of this child? If this guy doesn't get much of a chance to be a father, and he lived with at least one of the girls, what makes you think you'll be allowed to have any impact on this yet to be born child? Do you think she'll let herself to be tied to any responsibilities like visitation rights?...
You don't have to answer here, just be honest with yourself.

[justaguy]

To be honest mate it sounds to me like you're just as crazy as her and you aren't really in a position to be pointing fingers. I mean really, at this point all I can say is that you both share 'madness' in common. Talking about basically ending up dead over an unborn kid? Dude that kid is going nowhere for a couple of months and you have plenty of time to get your !"#¤% together, save some money, sort out your own madness/depression/whatever you want to call it and turn up to Finland with your head screwed on straight, ready to be a good dad.

Honestly, I feel like I just read the biggest load of crap justification in order for you to basically ask how to get on government handouts as fast as possible.

You don't need government handouts mate, you need psychiatric evaluation. Your ex sounds at least half as !"#¤% insane as mine, so you definitely need help, and I don't mean the 'social security handouts' kind of help that you think you need. Besides these handouts that you want aren't going to let you live in this country without any issues or whatever whilst you try to communicate with this crazy bitch you just broke up with. It'll take you at least 3 months with or without freedom of movement, to get into the system here, and then what. By then your kid will be just around the corner from being born.

Dude just take a step back from all this crap. This crazy woman did you a favour. Send her some child support like you should, get your life in order and get a decent job to help provide for this kid you're going to have and then sort out your problems with your ex girlfriend when you have a level head. If she's a nutcase then more fool you for getting this involved with her.

I live in England mate not in Finland. Of course I'm gonna' use anything I can to be close to my child, that child is my life.

Seriously this is crazy talk, it's an unborn child. You might feel protective of the child because she's a total nutjob but you should look in a mirror more often. You both seem nuts and I guarantee you that any judge (especially a Finnish one) is going to take her word over yours. Given the fact that she already has 2 kids of her own and she's probably shown that she's sane/normal enough to bring those up, if she wants to put a restraining order on you then you've got buckleys in being able to contest that decision, especially without any money to get a good lawyer.

Best answer in here is by 'tummansininen' and 'rinso' and well everyone else. I just felt like adding my 2 cents. Anyway no one cares about your life story here and the !"#¤% you have been through, sorry but it's true. We've all met women here who are as crazy (and yet still as intelligent and cunning) as your ex, or even crazier. Me included. Seriously if you took away the 2 kids, I could have thought that you just got my ex pregnant. Anyway you don't fix this kind of a mess by throwing more petrol on the fire. So less bitching and less "I'm gonna do this crazy 'x' if I don't get 'y'" and more using your brain. Jump through all the hoops and do all the right things and you'll get fair visitation rights and the ability to live in the same country as your kid, that's guaranteed. But only if you seriously play your cards right and prove to social services and judges that you are a mature, responsible adult. They aren't interested in this 'tit-for-tat' crap about which one of you is more crazy. All they care about us that she's brought up 2 kids already, you haven't, she's the 'MOTHER' and basically what she wants, goes. If you want rights, you have to sort it out with her, or go to court.

Seriously, the ball is in your court mate. If you want to go nuts then you'll be playing right into your ex's hands and she'll knock you right out of the court. Think of the kid, do you think he/she wants his/her dad to be acting like a fool, talking about dying and !"#¤% like that, least of all actually dead? Your ex is 10, no, 20 steps ahead of you so you better learn how to get manipulative and on her level as quickly as possible so you can fight her at her own game, or you better learn how to be a man, get over yourself and your !"#¤% decisions and start making some good ones. I'd choose the latter if I were you.

If it was me, I'd be partying in Jordie shore with my mates in the UK right now hi-5ing each other that you just dodged perhaps the biggest bullet in your life and I'd be preparing a good excuse as to how you aren't the father at all and don't know who this crazy bitch is (when she comes crying to you for money because you didn't respond the way that she wants (like you are now) and instead denied any involvement with her. Give it a few years, then you demand joint custody and tell your kid the whole story, about how you loved them from the beginning but that their mother is a fruit loop.

[solidus85]

Was just about to write what the person above me just said.
If you come to Finland with no money, no plan, no job ect, you will get in trouble with the law.
When that happens, they will deport you. Just your word about the fact that there is a woman here carrying your baby proves nothing.
Even if you managed to stay in the country, living on the street, then what? What kind of parent could you be for your child? What kind of a role model?
You'd have nothing to give, and she would have you out of their life in no time.