Intercultural cohabiting problems

[enk]

Aura: I feel for you, being stuck with a family like that! But their way is
really not the normal way of eating . What a bunch of nutters!

I think that it is important here to differentiate between "wanting to
eat a particular way" and "being able to eat a particular way" as from
the sounds of it, the bf has no physical impediments to eating in
what would constitute the proper fashion here, yet he doesn't, making
it a matter of "doesn't want to". That being said, the first issue is to
change that "doesn't want to" to "wants to", then it is easy to teach
him after that.

-enk

[aurajuusto]

Aura: what all have you tried in the past?-enk

I tried to explain my point of view pretty much as I did to you. I also used some arguments I remember from my childhood - I thought they would serve as illustration to the logic behind those #¤& manners. And I have underlined that they apply only to the local culture, and that every region in the world has its own set of rules and explanations.

"Do leave your bread in the plate, honey, noone is going to steal it from there." I really remember hearing this one from my grannies.

"Do not lower your head to the food, you are not an animal, you are a human. Humans raise their food to their mouths." Possibly from the kindergarten.

But maybe adults don't need to know the reasoning behind such things..?

[Hank W.]

Hank, you are a precious source of wisdom! What are the "girl schools" you refer to?

Well, something of the likes of "Porvoon naisopisto ja tyttölukio" that was a boarding school. It ran as a business college with the name still into the 1970's

[raamv]

"Do not lower your head to the food, you are not an animal, you are a human. Humans raise their food to their mouths." Possibly from the kindergarten.

Well At least in some cultures, you bown down your head to eat( they didnt have dining tables..so food wont spill sor splash from the cup/plate to the floor ).

But maybe adults don't need to know the reasoning behind such things..?

Mebbe they dont. But have you tried to find out "What is it that makes him do that?" reason: what does HE think, why does he think so? or is it really just a contempt for table manners or contempt for your formal dinners?
As Enk says, find the Root cause!!! and then act upon a cousing a remedy for that root cause.

If you are in India, eating with your hands is the standard norm; if you are in china eating with chopsticks is the standard norm, if you are in Finland, eating with table manners....
If you want to eat in Rome, lay on the couch like the Romans do...

You would be very suprised to find that 100 million Indians living outside India, and 300 million Chinese(and other East Asians) living outside China(East Asia) are still practicing what they have been taught from childhood in terms of their table manners..
As a matter of fact, here in Finland at work, I saw some indians having their lunch with their bare hands at the coffe table!!! Yikes!! but they had no problem eating with their hands while others used forks and knives..
As for Rome, Well..lay on the couch and expect la belle to feed ya!!!
:evil:

It doesn't mean I have to act like an imbecile in "civilized company" with white table cloths.

Unless you really despise being in that civilized company or dont care!!!
Think Che Guevera!!!

If I went to Africa and was sitting around a vat of rice and lamb bits, what would the locals think if I stuffed food in with my left hand?

hmm I guess that they ll be thinking when they can cook ya and put it in that vat !!!:lol::evil:

So if that would offend them, why may we not be offended if someone eats their peas with the knife?

have you tried this to see if they are really offended or shocked? :evil::shock:

If the invitation says "dark suit", you don't go in there with jeans and sneakers. Likewise you don't go in there eating like you just were released from prison.

lots of em do!! and they still will do even in a perfectly spic-span society!!!

However you must undestand in every Finnish woman there is a Hyacinth Bucket living inside - so I got my ears wolloped as a kid if I wasn't minding my table manners.

Tell me about it!!! I learnt my table manners not from One but 2...my SO and my MIL!!!:evil::evil::shock:
/Raam

[aurajuusto]

Well At least in some cultures, you bown down your head to eat( they didnt have dining tables..so food wont spill sor splash from the cup/plate to the floor ).

I agree. But we are not there, there's plenty of tables around

But have you tried to find out "What is it that makes him do that?" reason: what does HE think, why does he think so? or is it really just a contempt for table manners or contempt for your formal dinners?
As Enk says, find the Root cause!!! and then act upon a cousing a remedy for that root cause.
/Raam

No, it is not a dislike for good food and candlelight. Not a dislike for free entertainment, either. The only thing I have got so far was the idea that all of this is just fuss and is not important.
Sometimes I get the impression that he feels there's too much foreign influence pressing him. Moscow rulez!
I will try to talk with him again.

I don't want a Che Guevara, I want Indiana Jones.

[micky]

We all agree that table manners change from country to country. Aura, you have found your solution and if I understand correctly you adapt to the local culture. And why not. But once you explain to yr bf that he might be judged negatively based on his manners, there's nothing more you can do about it. If he is not bothered by other people's opinions, then fundamentally it's his call. Are you sure that other people pay so much attention to his manners anyway? I mean, they might not be so obviously 'cringeworthy' as they are for you. By the way, I think finnish table manners at dinners are somewhat different from the ones they have at home. Especially when foreigners are present.

The point is whether YOU are bothered by his manners Then, it's good to try to reach a compromise, at least in the situations that bother you more. I don't think anyone can seriously hold against you the fact that your partner has different habits. You are not his mum and you didn't table-train him.

[Megstertex]

From the other side of the coin, I always thought I had pretty decent table manners, only to be told here by certain nitpicking hens that when I set the knife facing outward "it means harm to my neighbor" and that I set the table incorrectly. Any other society, with any other approach, I would try to go against the grain of my upbringing and conform. But the irritating approach with which certain female Finns have used to tell me about their ways of setting the table, and that any other way is wrong, has made me resolute on being stubborn and just sticking to what I know. So, it's not just a question of "wanting to be rude." You may want to ask some questions to see why your bf is doing what he is doing, he may not even be aware, or au contrair, he may have some purpose that he does things the way he does. In either respect, among respected company (older relatives, older colleagues, etc., I try to conform. But then again, those are ppl I respect, and they wouldn't try to shame their company into conforming to their manners) If he understands that it may be conveying unwanted messages to your professional company, and you explain that in a mature, not-condescending way, he may see your point.

[micky]

You have a point there. Things can be pretty rigid here. It doesn't easily foster compliance.

[ajdias]

Could it be that he is frustated by the many business dinners of yours that he is "forced" to participate in and is trying to convince you to give him some pease?

[nomad_alien]

Ok, it's easy to fix this.
Give him bread and soup EVERY day for the next 3months. Sit there in front of him and everytime he does something wrong just say "no honey, you shouldn't do it like that". Trust me, one of 2 things will happen......he will start eating "properly" or else you will never have to cook again!
Either way you win!