Really in need of help, wife seperated, want to stay & study

[Hee]

I'm sorry how things have turned out. You are obviously very young and still have many great adventures ahead of you. If you want to try and study in Finland then go for it.

I could be wrong but Oulu doesn't strike me as the most affordable town in Finland so it could be worthwhile considering other towns for study. You'll also get that fresh start feel while still staying in Finland. On the other hand Oulu may be the most affordable if you are already somewhat settled and familiar with the town.

Originally you asked how a student manages. As a student I managed by giving up luxuries like comfort, stability and privacy for a short time. Sharing a room when I had to, regular relocating, cheap tinned food at times. Living out of a suitcase basically. It was what many of us were doing but we knew it was temporary. If you get a job while studying then your comfort, stability and privacy may increase. With a positive attitude and decent room mates it can be a great time, even some of the best times.

All the best.

[justaguy]

Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

There isn't another guy.

There will be.

Anyway, so today we were supposed to try this counselling. But I ended up going over early to find her with another guy in bed from work.

Take your life in your own hands and start doing what you really want to do.
Don't react and try to adjust, but put yourself in the first place.

Well I'm really going to try. If I can get assistance for a little while or something whilst studying then I will seriously consider staying here. Or well, I suppose I WILL stay here.
It all depends on a few things. If I can get study assistance and rent assistance and if I get accepted into a school.

I called up the ADF and they said I am still in their system as someone who passed, but of course 5 years is a long time and I will need a full re-evaluation. But that some things could be sped up because I've already been accepted once. I just couldn't obviously progress there until I've actually gone back to Australia, or at least made up my mind and gotten a date in which I am going to fly back on.

Though that's really a last resort for me. I've put a lot of time and hard work into this country. I feel like I really want to stay here and make it work. I want to be a part of this place and I am not going to let my first real relationship coming apart ruin that for me unless it really is the 'dealbreaker' in the equation. I still have to talk to my wife a little, she has a lot of my things still. She blocked me on Facebook, disconnected my phone etc. like I said so I have to work all of that stuff out today. But regardless I need to talk to her and tell her my plans so I know what I am doing with my stuff. Like someone said on here, the best thing is not to leave 'too fast' I have unfinished business here. I have things to sell regardless of where I am going, and I have people to see and some stuff to sort out.

But it all pretty much depends on today. How easy everything is, or how difficult. I have a good friend to help me out with everything whom I am staying with. I really can't be more greatful that she rescued me out of this drama.

But I am pretty conflicted in what I feel is right, and what I want myself.
One thing is for certain. If my wife had given me a straight answer a week ago and told me the black and white of the situation instead of forcing me out, and leading me on a stupid breadcrumb trail of telling me she loved me and that she just needed time to sort herself out, we could be friends now and this could all be so much easier for both of us. Shes had to close her entire phone account down which she still has to pay for, as well as both our netbanks so she doesn't have one either, as well deal with the stress and embarassment of what has happened.

I gave her so many chances to just tell it to me straight so we could both move on with our lives, but there was basically nothing I could do myself until I got a straight answer from her because she had my entire life in the palm of her hand.

I hope in the future, if I can stay and everything isn't as hard as it seems, that she can look me in the eye again and we can share an idle chat from time-to-time. I still stupidly love her, even though I know wholeheartedly now that it's completely time to move on with my life, and I'm also hurt from what she's done to me. But this is someone I lived and breathed with for 3 years. Even if it was rocky. I really don't think anyone has the right to lecture me or comment on what I've been through in the last few years. I've done nothing but the best I know how to love this woman no matter how demented she has been behaving. I honestly can't be held at fault for that.

[justaguy]

Dad isn't going to send me anything, I haven't even asked. I have money saved, money from selling my PC and money from my monthly pay. Also I have a basic summer job interview today and I am also going to have coffee with my wife. (Hopefully)
There we'll both try and straighten things out amicably and work out a fair medium in that she gets what she wants and so do I. (If possible) Which was meant to happen the other day but I walked in on her with another guy.

I want to try and stay here and make it work. It's a shame that my current permit isn't a 4 year one but perhaps the next one I can get will be.
Either way there's still some things to talk about, the only thing that has changed is that I don't want to be with her anymore. I went over there to work all of this stuff out, but now I've changed my mind on what I want to say and instead I am focusing on questions and deals etc. that will allow me to move on with my own life.

The reality is. I need something from her, she needs me to pay my bills (which are all in her name). There's no reason why we shouldn't be able to help each other.
Like you guys said, marriage is all about compromise even when it's fallen apart.

At least after today I will have a plan on what I am doing. That is unless she wants to push things back further, which will probably just make me unleash retribution. Because I'm sick of not being able to further my life until I know what she plans to do with our marital status etc. In the meantime I went and got my own phone contract, I was surprised that the person at DNA was happy that I had just lived here for over 2 years, and happily gave me a 1 year contract. Although it wasn't like I was asking for a 500€ phone over 3 years or something. I also went and revoked her permissions from my bank account, and seperated them.

Either way I am going to give this a shot on my own. Like 'Hee' I don't mind sacrificing luxuries to live and study here. Of course I expect to have to. It'd still be better for my time investment and my dignity as well as 'growth' as a person to be able to live here and make it work instead of going back to Australia again. I would really like to be a part of this community, and like I mentioned. I'm not the only person who lives here with an ex-partner in the same city.

I personally see no reason why my ex-wife and I can't get along and at least respect each other instead of hating each other. Personally I feel that it takes too much time and energy to hate someone and ignore them constantly and it prevents you from being able to move on with your life.

[obakesan]

Sorry, I just couldn't resist.
Take your life in your own hands and start doing what you really want to do.
Don't react and try to adjust, but put yourself in the first place.

here here!

Firstly I recommend that you grasp that the culture is different and so the place is different. If you don't like it then your only option is to come back home. Consolidate what you are doing and then sort out where you want to go to from there.

Staying there fighting against things is likely only to leave you bitter.

[Flossy1978]

If you have no children with this woman, why even bother to think about being friends or friendly? Just get your orders in order, making sure you are fully separated from her and get on with life. Put the marriage behind you and carry on forward. Best thing to do if you want to move forward.

Why on earth would you want to have anything to do with someone who is clearly a full on liar and has problems keeping her legs closed, after dragging you through the mud, is beyond me. Forget this 'we can be friends' crap. You can't be with people like that. And why you'd want to be is just a sign of a weak self esteem.

Move on in your life. Cut all ties with her after the details of the divorce are over and start over, be it here in Finland or Australia.

Everyone makes mistakes in life. No one is perfect. Chalk this up to this and move on.

[Sami-Is-Boss]

Is this Kutittaa under a new name?

[Adrian42]

Is this Kutittaa under a new name?

You should have read the whole discussion before asking...

(The answer is near the end of the first page of this discussion.)

[gfunho]

If you don't have a wife, or a job, or children, you are not fully integrated (you don't even speak the language) and you have been here about 2 years (so not incredibly tied with the place that you could not live without it)..... Why to stay in Oulu ?

What does Oulu have to offer that Joensuu, Helsinki, Tampere, Munich, Nice or Sydney has not?

I mean, your reasons to come to Oulu were related to your wife (so they were somewhat random) and you did not need to find a way to survive in there/here. Without a wife, wouldn't it be easier to go to a place that better suits your interests ? A place were you have a job and you can live on your own on the best conditions ? A place where you can study something you actually like and that you chose because of the education that they give ? (Not that i say education in Finland is bad, but if your choice of education is limited to Oulu it is pretty limited).

I would just say that in your situation I would be back in my country or in any other that offers me a good deal, regardless if that country is Finland or not. Having a finnish ex-wife (a horrible one) is (for me) not enough to choose the country/city where to live.

[Oombongo]

If you have no children with this woman, why even bother to think about being friends or friendly? Just get your orders in order, making sure you are fully separated from her and get on with life. Put the marriage behind you and carry on forward. Best thing to do if you want to move forward.

Why on earth would you want to have anything to do with someone who is clearly a full on liar and has problems keeping her legs closed, after dragging you through the mud, is beyond me. Forget this 'we can be friends' crap. You can't be with people like that. And why you'd want to be is just a sign of a weak self esteem.

Move on in your life. Cut all ties with her after the details of the divorce are over and start over, be it here in Finland or Australia.

Everyone makes mistakes in life. No one is perfect. Chalk this up to this and move on.

Hear, hear! being "friends" with your ex never works. Real life is not some daytime retarded soap opera.
You are still young and have a lot of options. If Finland is not working in your favor then why stay here.

[Sami-Is-Boss]

Is this Kutittaa under a new name?

You should have read the whole discussion before asking...

(The answer is near the end of the first page of this discussion.)

Hups, so it is.

[justaguy]

Firstly I recommend that you grasp that the culture is different and so the place is different. If you don't like it then your only option is to come back home. Consolidate what you are doing and then sort out where you want to go to from there.
Staying there fighting against things is likely only to leave you bitter.

In the end that's all that has happened to me. Nothing about this country really excites me anymore at all. I lost my one reason for living in this town and living in this country in general. All the little things, the drunks, the cold all the little things that made other people frown, that made me smile were because I was in love with a person who I thought was in love with me too. In the end my entire reason for happiness was her, and that was my own fault because I was too ignorant, naive or just plain too young to know any better. I had my 22nd birthday last night and I met one of the most incredible girls ever just dancing in a club. I've never hooked up with anyone from a club or a bar, (I've been married remember?) and I had the best night of my life last night. What started out as a day that I felt like walking in front of a bus, because my 21st birthday was ruined by my wife and my 22nd was now also being ruined by her. Turned out into one of the most exciting nights of my life.

Sorry if you didn't want to hear that, but I felt like saying so.

Anyway back to the general topic. I don't want to live in Finland anymore. I've had a talk to some of my friends because literally really. I've been so conflicted on doing something 'permanent' the entire time. I have just been sort of floating along like you guys said without making any kind of concrete decision on what I am doing so I can focus on that. So now I am going to focus on leaving. The computer is sold, I have barely spent any money since that. I have also subsequently sold my bike and a large portion of my clothes. The rest I am going to give to charity. At the moment I just have my phone, which I really need for what I am about to do. As well as some clothes and a basic point and shoot camera. So I'm back to where I started when I came to Finland. I have a lot of money in the bank now after getting paid and selling everything and after talking to my friends and family I've decided......

That I'm going to travel the world.

I've been living life unstably and unhappily for 3 years, and I've refused to acknowledge that. I haven't been able to embrace it and in the end I've just been running away from it. When I came here in 2009. I had my own place, paid my own bills and I was completely independant. I worked for what I needed to and I pulled through everything because I made my own luck. I want to go back to that. I need to go back to that. But not in Finland.

I've only travelled and discovered the smallest portion of the planet. Thailand, Singapore, Finland, Sweden, Russia, China, Great Britian, New Zealand etc.
Which is why I decided that I would like to take a trip south and then east. I want to go to Poland, India, Japan and then maybe end up back in Australia.

I could meet someone in any of those places that I want to stay with and work and be around or whatever. Or I might not and I'll end up back in Aust and go back to the Army.
I spoke to a recruitment officer and he told me they'd speed me through the process because I've already passed and that they're basically bleeding for people after all this tension in the West.

It's time to give up this dream. I am incredibly sad. That a language that I feel I have learned so well, that I can use to speak to a beautiful girl last night and have the biggest deep and meaningful conversation. Will eventually fade from my mind and I will begin to forget things that I have learned. I am sad that I will possibly lose the friends I have made here, I have already lost the 'family' I have made here in that sense. A chapter of my life has ended and another one is opening. I no longer feel as scared about going back to Australia, though that might change when I get back. I no longer feel scared about instability and instead I want to embrace it and see what kind of person I am in the face of it. Yeah I might get hurt.. yeah I might get robbed yeah I'm going to meet some real bigots and assholes on my journeys.

But there's no reason to stay in Finland anymore. My ex-wife is someone that I don't want to know at all.. she's not the same person that I met and apparently she's very happy screwing strangers and living that kind of life. She only speaks to me when she thinks that she has something to say that will make me give her money because she's bankrupted herself from this break-up. But in the end, what she's done, the lies she's told and especially the truths she's told are so digsuting, and so disappointing that I don't honestly feel like I owe her a thing, let alone a dime anymore. We can't be friends, not just becuase of her, but also because of me. I'm too jealous, I'm too overbearing and I talk too much. She's a coward, a liar and she's weak and can't have an adult conversation.

So, I've just had to suck it up. Realise that I had 3½ years of mediocre sex, and honestly come to terms with the fact that I had a better time in 1 night with someone else than I did in 3 years with her. And so has she. It's sucked, it was a shame that she wasted weeks of my life, and then confessed to me that she had fun leaving me dangling and that she never had any intention to ever give me peace until I forced it from her, or ceased communication with her entirely. It's just been complicated beacause she's had my bike and other things that I want to sell etc. and it was hard to go and get those things back without a key and other stuff.

So in the end I've had to face the facts that I can't live in this country for legal reasons and also for personal reeasons, which once made me so @#$% happy. I can't live with my ex-wife because frankly she just makes me sick and I feel terrible every time I think of how happy we made each other and then how that burned out like a candle over the years and that a lot of it is my fault. I probably forced her into the stage that she's going through now. But hey, she's happier and I'm happier even if she's got a bit of a head start from me, in the end it'll only take a few bad experiences to crush her self-esteem and then the true reality of everything will show. And she'll probably go back to wanting a relationship and someone that she can trust and who won't make her feel like she's an object. Because at the end of the day. Everyone just wants to be loved.

Anyway, not much to say. I need to stay in Finland for about another... 10 days or so because I am renewing my passport and I need to wait for it to be posted back. After that I'm going to buy a train ticket to Helsinki, a flight to Warsaw and then just start my journey from there. I'm not entirely sure where I will go first and what I will do. But we'll see.

Thanks for all of the replies. You're all right. I can't live in this country anymore. I haven't integrated properly at all. I hated those courses anyway and when I look back at everything at least I learned a big lesson.
So thanks everyone for everything and I hope everyone else after me who reads this and well even those who don't. I hope you all have better luck here than I did.

But in the end.. all the women I've met except for the girl I met last night (and I don't even know her) have had problems. My ex-wife has insane panic attacks and is a compulsive liar and pricktease. My other best friend is currently doing councelling because she has 0 self-esteem and cannot speak to strangers or even myyjät. Another one of my friends has worse panic-attacks than even my ex-wife and is a total nutjob. Then there's another friend of mine who's been cutting he arms for the last 2½ years. Plus I know a few more people who I don't feel like speaking about who also have pretty terrible problems. After all this, I think Finnish women might be crazy. No offence, but I certainly cannot handle them. There are exceptions to every rule of course, and I do know a few who are really lovely.

But one thing remains...
All of them... no exceptions can run away from their problems and friendships so easily. As easily as swapping shirts.

This scares the crap out of me. Either I'm a magnet for maddness or everyone around me is mad. I think it's a mixture of the two.
So yes, it's best that I leave. Join the armed forces, forge a career for myself, live life knowing that I am protected be a unified system and that I am surrounded by stability. Then spend the 1 month I get a year travelling wherever I like, learning more about the world and myself as a person whilst being able to rely on the fact that I have a stable job and life back in Australia.

I couldn't have come to my senses without some of the hard knocks from you guys. Yeah I'm young and still pretty ignorant. Thank god I don't have any kids.
But I really do warn, and yet also wish anyone else the best who wants to come here. Just be careful who 'tie the knot' with...

I'll probably hang around the forums a little, and I have been reading all the replies I've been getting. I just haven't wanted to say anything because I still hadn't worked out what I am doing. But now I am commiting to leaving and I'm throwing myself at the mercy of the world. Because if I am to survive in the Army, if I am even to 'survive' I must first learn how to survive. Besides everything I learn and do will furhter me as a person and look better on my résumé.

[AldenG]

It would be time to work seriously on why you seek out the kinds of people you do, while you're still at a stage of your life where it's relatively easy to make major changes of that kind. You call yourself a magnet for madness (drama, I would say) but it's really more of an active process of seeking on your part.

Having said that, your ex has clearly been a drama-maker, which is a lot more problematic than being a drama-seeker. She would certainly have wrecked irretrievably you in the long term and it's a blessing her actions have enabled you to make a clean and final break. Many people who venture through the gravity field of a drama-maker get sucked into a fatal spiral trying to fix their dramas and get sucked into the black hole they create. The risk, and it's huge, is that you'll seek out a similar kind of drama-maker to attach yourself to next. Everybody hates to hear something like this, but you need some capable external guidance. Not to "fix" you but to help you get firing on all pistons and drop the self-defeating behaviors. It could save you a couple of decades of fumbling blindly toward some kind of stability and fulfillment in your life. You obviously have a lot going for you if you can clear the tangles from your life and lose that moth-like drive toward drama-seeking.

[cors187]

Thanks for all of the replies. You're all right. I can't live in this country anymore. I haven't integrated properly at all.

Aussies dont integrate into squirrel colonies it may have been another story if you landed a 45K job when you first got married.

Dont feel to bad .

[tizlit]

Do not forget, that it takes two to tango. You have been blackpainting your exwife, but after all, we do not know all the gory details, do we?

The best you could do now in your circumstances, since you dont feel happy here, is to move on, some other place.