Splitting up child involved

[dutchguy]

Hi all, thanks for the advice, as to saying it's too late for the legal part, I think it's not. She has showed me lilian on skype regularly (with some periods of not showing her), and it's only now that she completely denies the skype. I think the skype logs and visits will show a judge that I am involved. As to the person living with a BPD wife, I have great respect for you, people can't understand how hard it is unless they experience it. I know I became depressed in this situation of pushing and pulling, and the long distance and sudden life changes only aggrevated this. 2 weeks non-stop together and then 2 weeks all alone isn't a great situation to be in. I just know that it's been draining me mentally, I have even gotten to a point where I couldn't work anymore, I am now much better then before, and I am starting to speak my mind to my ex, before I just complied with everything she said, because if I would disagree there would be this huge fight/rage.

I have to say however that she's extremely caring for lilian, during the pregnancy she stopped her anti-depressants, quit smoking, started eating more and she has annorexia so this was a big thing for her. And there were moments of intense happiness with her, but also intense fighting and drama. I never got this feeling of security where I could just be completely open with her, because that would lead to more fights. I hope that she won't be the same with lilian, when lilian starts to speak more. Her parrents have also said last time I was in Finland that she needed psychiatric treatment, but she says she doesn't need it anymore and doesn't have money, I think Finland has good public health care though?

Right now I'm just talking with her parrents more, asking them about lilian etc, because speaking with my ex will always lead to fights. I am actually afraid of going to Finland due to the fights/drama I'm expecting, but I hope everything will be fine, and that we can just enjoy our time with lilian and not talk about all the things that are wrong. As for the language barrier, it is extremely tough, I tried studying Finnish but I find it very difficult, and I think by the time I would speak finnish my daughter would already speak English (if she goes to an English kindergarden). I just hope my daughter will grow up healthy and happy, and for that reason alone I want to keep regular contact and make sure I encourge her as she grows up, let her know I love her, let her know she's doing a great job and I'm proud of her when she had her first day at school.

And again thank you very much for your replies, this situation is very hard to be in, but we got to play the cards we're dealt in life. And I know this situation is even harder on my ex as she is a single mom, so I do understand her bitterness and hate. But I just hope she will be able to let that go, and keep contact strictly about our daughter, as I believe we both want lilian to be happy and healthy.

[dutchguy]

On a lighter note, does anyone have some great ideas for a truely unique and memorable gift for my daughters first birthday? I was thinking about making a personalized photo book, full of pictures of her of every month of her life. And some toy, but not sure what exactly to get her, so any great ideas would be more than appreciated.

[rinso]

as to saying it's too late for the legal part, I think it's not.

At the beginning of the conflict, you were equal partners with equal rights. Now there is a status quo which you have to fight. You have accepted an underdog situation. And unless you can prove she is not a good mother, a judge will not reverse the whole situation. The best you can hope for is a Skype contact decision, but without any tools to use if the mother sabotages the deal.

truely unique and memorable gift for my daughters first birthday? I was thinking about making a personalized photo book, full of pictures of her of every month of her life.

Sounds good, but how can you be sure she'll ever see it? Or that it is not hidden in a dark closet the day after her birthday?
I would get the grandparents involved in this.

[Upphew]

Sounds good, but how can you be sure she'll ever see it? Or that it is not hidden in a dark closet the day after her birthday?
I would get the grandparents involved in this.

I had same thoughts... So dutchguy, if you make one, make two so you'll have one for yourself, and while you're at it, do those for every birthday... you'll have something to give when the mommy isn't there to "archive" it. </worst case scenario>

[hmm]

if your ex has had big mental health issues, they may come up later too--- need to make sure that your daughter keeps being well taken care of. The public health care system typically works, but only if you ask, fight and demand for help, which many mentally unstable people will not do.

In the worst case scenario, you will need to make a child protection notice to the local child protection agents. http://www.lskl.fi/en/

[dutchguy]

Thanks for the advice all, maybe it's indeed better to keep the photo album here for myself to look at, and make one every year. then when she's older I could give em all at once as a present, because truely the most important thing I can give to my daughter is letting her know I think of her, and that she is loved.

As for the mom, she is taking very good care of lilian, I'm just afraid it will change when lilian starts to speak and have her own opinions about things, my ex has very much been raised with the conflict model, she told me there were constant fights at home when she was a child. My ex can't handle it very well when someone disagrees with her opinion and does something she doesn't like, I think she sees it as betrayal, whereas most people (sane peole?) see it as being your own individual and enjoying different things. she never seemed to agree to disagree.

As for the pictures, I'll deffinately make loads! Today my ex send me 2 pictures on my e-mail out of the blue, I was quite suprised by this, Lilian is playing outside with a shovel digging up sand, she's only 11 months and already walks around with toys and plays with others, she's very fast at learning things, it makes me so proud to see her grow up, even though I can't be physically there with her.

[AldenG]

Do you know the original psychiatric diagnosis (the one made by someone who actually interviewed and treated her)? Borderline? Bipolar? Something else? It really affects how to relate to her most effectively.

[dutchguy]

Do you know the original psychiatric diagnosis (the one made by someone who actually interviewed and treated her)? Borderline? Bipolar? Something else? It really affects how to relate to her most effectively.

She's been quite closed about those things, and didn't answer me in dept, she only said she had Annorexia (as this was quite obvious to see), and she spend half a year in a mental hospital day care, because she almost died from not eating.