Meeting the parents (help required!!)
Meeting the parents (help required!!)
Hello everyone! or should I say "moi"? I need help fast!!!!! I am moving to Finland with my boyfriend. He is Finnish and I am from England but with Zambian origin. Anyway, his parents (who are Finnnish)are very eager to meet me and I don't know what to say?! I dont want them to think that their son is moving in with an impolite girl. How should I address them? what should I say to get on their good side? what shouldn't I say?I dont want to sound pompous but then I again I dont want to sound weak! I need to make a good impression on them, anyone with any good ideas? especialy how to call them, should I say Mr and Mrs? or is there a Finnish translation? Help!!!
Re: Meeting the parents (help required!!)
Hi,Lefty wrote:Hello everyone! or should I say "moi"? I need help fast!!!!! I am moving to Finland with my boyfriend. He is Finnish and I am from England but with Zambian origin. Anyway, his parents (who are Finnnish)are very eager to meet me and I don't know what to say?! I dont want them to think that their son is moving in with an impolite girl. How should I address them? what should I say to get on their good side? what shouldn't I say?I dont want to sound pompous but then I again I dont want to sound weak! I need to make a good impression on them, anyone with any good ideas? especialy how to call them, should I say Mr and Mrs? or is there a Finnish translation? Help!!!
Just behave normally like you do. Most of finns are not expecting so polite threatment - but well of course it depends on family. If you twist it with a bit sense of humour, it always works out
Mr and Mrs might be too polite threatment when you meet someone who will become close to you. It could help out a bit if had you told that which kinda area you are going to travel?:) Don't worry it all work fine 
If you let your dreams come true, then happiness shall follow you.
Hi Lefty,
Mr/Mrs=Herra/Rouva , but I doubt you need to use those
. Hei is a little bit more formal than Moi. Päivää=Good Day.
You might want to use Päivää the first time you meet them, after that they will consider you family and you can go over to Hei and Moi etc.
Bottom line that will win them over is if they see that you care deeply for their son; their bundle of pride and joy
. Nothing over the top, but speak fondly of him, and maybe casually mention at some point how proud you are when he did this or that. Theyll be at your feet, dont worry.
Good Luck!
Mr/Mrs=Herra/Rouva , but I doubt you need to use those
. Hei is a little bit more formal than Moi. Päivää=Good Day.You might want to use Päivää the first time you meet them, after that they will consider you family and you can go over to Hei and Moi etc.
Bottom line that will win them over is if they see that you care deeply for their son; their bundle of pride and joy
. Nothing over the top, but speak fondly of him, and maybe casually mention at some point how proud you are when he did this or that. Theyll be at your feet, dont worry.Good Luck!
His parents live in Helsinki so I guess that makes them "city" parents? do people living in the capital have higher expectations than people living anywhere else? I was thinking of moving to Pirkkala, but I know very little about it, is it a good place? The company I work for is set up in Tampere, I thought commuting is a good idea. But i don't know if Pirkkala is a good place, is it good enough for their son from Helsinki? This is going to be harder than I thought!
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Xochiquetzal
- Posts: 1400
- Joined: Tue May 24, 2005 2:44 pm
- Location: The 'poo!
My husband's parents go back 200 hundred years in Helsinki. I've noticed when comparing friend's inlaws from smaller cities that they are less brand conscientious, expect less, are less cosmopolitan (natch), and tend to stick to the same 'country values' that you'd find in the English countryside. It comes down to a simple matter of respect and compromise.
My Helsinki mother in law really just wants a girlfriend to confide in and gossip with rather than a daughter in law. She likes to go out and do things and we formed a good relationship by going out on outings together and having tea or talking. She really liked to show me around Helsinki and I highly recommend you get together with your mother in law at places in the city such as the Ateneum or National Museum (both of which have coffee houses), the Helsinki metropolitan museum (which has the best tea house in Finland across the road) or any of the other cultural places in town. Also, short car trip to neighboring cities such as Porvoo or Fiskas are great opportunities to talk along the way and get to know each other better. Learning more about the country shows your willingness to embrace Finland and that part of their son's heritage.
The thing to be very careful about is:
a) Not to be loud, boisterous, rambunctuous, or aggressive in public - Americans especially have a bad reputation for this. Always check your voice in public and make sure you aren't accidentally getting louder as you get into the conversation
b) Don't brag. It simply is not appreciated to 'toot your own horn' in scandinavian countries
c) Be natural and at ease and try not to bounce around topics of conversation. Remember, they will have to be translating from Finnish to English so give them the courtesy of talking evenly.
My Helsinki mother in law really just wants a girlfriend to confide in and gossip with rather than a daughter in law. She likes to go out and do things and we formed a good relationship by going out on outings together and having tea or talking. She really liked to show me around Helsinki and I highly recommend you get together with your mother in law at places in the city such as the Ateneum or National Museum (both of which have coffee houses), the Helsinki metropolitan museum (which has the best tea house in Finland across the road) or any of the other cultural places in town. Also, short car trip to neighboring cities such as Porvoo or Fiskas are great opportunities to talk along the way and get to know each other better. Learning more about the country shows your willingness to embrace Finland and that part of their son's heritage.
The thing to be very careful about is:
a) Not to be loud, boisterous, rambunctuous, or aggressive in public - Americans especially have a bad reputation for this. Always check your voice in public and make sure you aren't accidentally getting louder as you get into the conversation
b) Don't brag. It simply is not appreciated to 'toot your own horn' in scandinavian countries
c) Be natural and at ease and try not to bounce around topics of conversation. Remember, they will have to be translating from Finnish to English so give them the courtesy of talking evenly.
I doubt it that they'd even really know where Pirkkala is. To anyone living around here (Tampere) it is a bit 'better' than rest of the surrounding towns - higher prices for housing etc. Pirkkala is very quiet but depending on where you'd live, it's at the minimun of 10 minutes from downtown Tampere so it's close to all 'civilization' anyways. Pirkkala is said to be a nice place to live at, we used to have a summer cottage there once and it was nice to a child at leastLefty wrote: I was thinking of moving to Pirkkala, but I know very little about it, is it a good place? The company I work for is set up in Tampere, I thought commuting is a good idea. But i don't know if Pirkkala is a good place, is it good enough for their son from Helsinki?
Sorry I couldn't help you with the parent matters. It is hard to speak for anyone else.
Though, what I have noticed is certain thinking of Helsinki being better than any other cities and I've been looked down to be living in Tampere. I doubt it the parents would care in the similar way though, you being a foreigner anyhow. I really hope everything works really well for you, and the parents will accept you.
Do Finnish parents think it a big deal if there is a (slightly large) age gap between both people? My Boyfriend is 7 (yes, seven) years older than me, will this be a bit of an issue do you think? will they ask me questions about this? In England,seven years isn't too bad, (ten, is extreme), but how will it go in Finland? I have a bit of common ground with the family in that his elder sister is a doctor and I am in Med school studying to become one, I think this will be a plus for me, could I talk about this instead to avoid the age questions? how do I divert attention from a topic I don't feel comfortable with? they wont ask me about sex will they 
I will faint on the spot!!! If they ask if we are "doing it" should I say yes or no? Oh my goodness!
I will faint on the spot!!! If they ask if we are "doing it" should I say yes or no? Oh my goodness!You're joking right?Lefty wrote:oh yeah, just to add to the last question. are Finnish people strong believers in "no sex before marriage"? I will answer as advised by you all!!
If anything, I would guess Nordic countries are more sexually "liberated" than many Anglo-Saxon countries including the UK. In fact, I doubt the question will even come up as it will likely be assumed that you two are already fornicating and they probably already know the age difference between you two. I think it might be a good idea to have a heart to heart talk to your boyfriend about Finnish cultural norms and attitudes etc. before you make as big a step as moving here. I find it scary why you would prefer to ask such questions to complete strangers on this forum than to your own boyfriend.
Last edited by acwan on Sun Jun 05, 2005 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Wouldn't you be better advised by asking your boyfriend about this?Lefty wrote:oh yeah, just to add to the last question. are Finnish people strong believers in "no sex before marriage"? I will answer as advised by you all!!
Surely He's in a better position to guess what His parents will ask,
and how they will react to any answers they get.
That having said, I don't think they are very likely to believe in
"no sex before marriage".
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Xochiquetzal
- Posts: 1400
- Joined: Tue May 24, 2005 2:44 pm
- Location: The 'poo!
You people ever try to beat an answer out of a Finnish male? I could have asked my husband every question in the book about my future inlaws and the answers would only have been "yeah", "sometimes" "grunt"..... I also had to find out the hard way about mores, customs, and meeting the in-laws, so I can understand where Lefty is coming from...
To answer some questions:
You're not likely to be asked about sex and it is no big deal here as I've never once met a person who didn't have sex before marriage. My husband's 17 year old brother had his girlfriend sleep over the night in his room quite often and no one batted an eyelash. Since sex is a personal issue, you won't be asked about it. Finns are *very* respectful of distances and boundaries and it is very rare that one will be intrusive on your personal life. A good comparison example of this is that when an American or British person meets someone for the first time, they ask polite questions about job and family. But in Finland, when you meet someone socially, they won't ask you about your job or personal questions about your family. It's considered rude to be invasive.
Unlike America and England, women who have children outside of wedlock are not consider fallen women or loose. My sister in law has three children, none sharing the same father and only one in wedlock. No one has ever looked down on her. Her friend also has a child and the father is unknown (one too many drinks on the Talinn boat trip after graduation will do that to you). Yet it hasn't affected her ability to date and find a husband.
As for the age difference, that isn't a problem either. There's an 8 year age difference between my husband and I (I'm US and he's Finnish) and not once has anyone ever commented on it. His parents were looking only for his happiness and they were glad that he found someone to share his life with. If anything, my inlaws love me to death since I get along with them well. They don't have as good a relationship with the otherFinnish daughter in law, who doesn't respect them as they believe she should.
Of course, all parents are different and there may be issues that will affect your ability to get to know them well. Just try not to assume right after meeting them that they don't like you because they weren't overly friendly or inquisitive about you. Give them time to warm up to you since overt displays of affection aren't necessarily the norm - especially in Helsinki. If you give them warm respect, it is likely they will return it in kind. That holds true for brothers and sisters as well.
To answer some questions:
You're not likely to be asked about sex and it is no big deal here as I've never once met a person who didn't have sex before marriage. My husband's 17 year old brother had his girlfriend sleep over the night in his room quite often and no one batted an eyelash. Since sex is a personal issue, you won't be asked about it. Finns are *very* respectful of distances and boundaries and it is very rare that one will be intrusive on your personal life. A good comparison example of this is that when an American or British person meets someone for the first time, they ask polite questions about job and family. But in Finland, when you meet someone socially, they won't ask you about your job or personal questions about your family. It's considered rude to be invasive.
Unlike America and England, women who have children outside of wedlock are not consider fallen women or loose. My sister in law has three children, none sharing the same father and only one in wedlock. No one has ever looked down on her. Her friend also has a child and the father is unknown (one too many drinks on the Talinn boat trip after graduation will do that to you). Yet it hasn't affected her ability to date and find a husband.
As for the age difference, that isn't a problem either. There's an 8 year age difference between my husband and I (I'm US and he's Finnish) and not once has anyone ever commented on it. His parents were looking only for his happiness and they were glad that he found someone to share his life with. If anything, my inlaws love me to death since I get along with them well. They don't have as good a relationship with the otherFinnish daughter in law, who doesn't respect them as they believe she should.
Of course, all parents are different and there may be issues that will affect your ability to get to know them well. Just try not to assume right after meeting them that they don't like you because they weren't overly friendly or inquisitive about you. Give them time to warm up to you since overt displays of affection aren't necessarily the norm - especially in Helsinki. If you give them warm respect, it is likely they will return it in kind. That holds true for brothers and sisters as well.
Unfortunately, I haven't had to because some of my Finnish male acquaintances have been all too willing to share.Xochiquetzal wrote:You people ever try to beat an answer out of a Finnish male.
I'm not married to one but I have heard more about the private lives of Finnish people than I care to know. (It probably also helps to be living in Finland. Then it's easy to soak up the cultural norms by osmosis.)
Last edited by acwan on Mon Jun 06, 2005 7:58 am, edited 4 times in total.