http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_o ... 177452.stm
Now lets have your alternatives...
I suggest Don in goal and Hank as topari..
Football in Finland Europe and the World
This is really Olle's forum..It has become a bit too oversubscribed in just the last week with the off the pitch antics in UK.Deman wrote:. Moderators (Hank and Peter) "Open New Folder"
I suggest Olle and Phil, (Phil is the editor/designer,) talk by PM and find some way to sort/weed out these 22 pages.
I think we could dump the whole RioGate thread and the Rape stuff as well as although it involves football players, its not really what happens every 90 minutes on the Saturday afternoon..... and that I guess is what we really want to talk about and maybe the nice football related stuff
So enough about the england game.....we are forgetting about the other important game Ireland Switzerland.
After the debarcle at Landsdowne road last October I am hoping that the boys can get 3 points from this one. The Swiss camp have a few troubles this week between henchoz and yakin both central defenders. Lets hope Keane and Connolly can put our boys on the way to Portugal although Georgia need to beat Russia lets pray.... :thumb_up:
So enough about the england game.....we are forgetting about the other important game Ireland Switzerland.
After the debarcle at Landsdowne road last October I am hoping that the boys can get 3 points from this one. The Swiss camp have a few troubles this week between henchoz and yakin both central defenders. Lets hope Keane and Connolly can put our boys on the way to Portugal although Georgia need to beat Russia lets pray.... :thumb_up:
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Ace
Well this isn't a football site. Its a Finland site. We're pushing our luck with a football thread really. A football forum isn't likely. Also most of the members have no interest in football whatsoever. Thats what prompted me and Simon to start this thread and keep it contained. Too many posts about football all over the show in other threads.Deman wrote:Don't you think that this thread is too long and there should be a special category for Football. I'm a football fan but never read this as it's too scattered and disorganised. Moderators (Hank and Peter) "Open New Folder"
A sports forum might be a good idea though lots of members are interested in different sports. I'll suggest it to the powers that be.
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Ace
No way mate I prefer to talk about the nasty stuffsimon wrote:I think we could dump the whole RioGate thread and the Rape stuff as well as although it involves football players, its not really what happens every 90 minutes on the Saturday afternoon..... and that I guess is what we really want to talk about and maybe the nice football related stuff
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Ace
Peter Floyd wrote:The BBC have a sense of humour..they have picked "what if the go on strike " alternative England team.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_o ... 177452.stm
Now lets have your alternatives...
I suggest Don in goal and Hank as topari..
LolRight wing - Lawrence of Arabia: An inspiration to his men when fighting the Turks in the First World War, Lawro is the man to replace David Beckham as the nation's figurehead. Some blonde highlights, an Alice band and plenty of aftershave should disguise the fact that he passed away in 1935.
Heres my 11:
.....................................Winston Churchill 1
......Basil Fawlty 2 Alan Partridge 4 Ali G 5 Derek Trotter 3
Shakespeare 8 Sir Edmund Hillary 6 Sherlock Holmes 7 Paul Daniels11
......................................Oliver Cromwell 9
..........................Vice Admiral Horatio Lord Nelson 10
I've gone for a comedy back four
Some bulldog spirit in goal
Shakespeare provides a bit of creativity on the right
And Paul Daniels a bit of magic on the left (not a lot)
Hillary's the "engine" of the team
Sherlock Holmes is my playmaker deducing those spaces in the opposition defense. (his first yards in his head
)Cromwell and Nelson provide a bit of bite up front
Last edited by Ace on Sat Oct 11, 2003 12:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Ace
so:
Footballers Bailed In Hotel Rape Case
Two footballers have been arrested by police looking into allegations of rape by a girl said to involve Premiership players.Scotland Yard said a 22-year-old man voluntarily attended a London police station where he was arrested and later released on police bail.A 19-year-old man was also arrested after attending an appointment at a separate London station. He has also been given police bail.
Police would not release their identities but Sky's crime correspondent Martin Brunt said the two men were Premiership footballers.
He added that the men were from separate clubs and one had been playing last weekend.
Both arrests are in connection with the allegation by a 17-year-old girl that she was gang raped at the Grosvenor House hotel in central London.
Earlier this week, two other men were arrested and bailed by detectives.
A 27-year-old man, not thought to be a footballer, went voluntarily to a London police station on Thursday and, after questioning, was released on police bail.
Party organiser Nicholas Meikle, 29, was also arrested, questioned and released on bail.
He issued a statement claiming the girl had agreed to have sex with him, and others.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/031010/140/eas38.html
Footballers Bailed In Hotel Rape Case
Two footballers have been arrested by police looking into allegations of rape by a girl said to involve Premiership players.Scotland Yard said a 22-year-old man voluntarily attended a London police station where he was arrested and later released on police bail.A 19-year-old man was also arrested after attending an appointment at a separate London station. He has also been given police bail.
Police would not release their identities but Sky's crime correspondent Martin Brunt said the two men were Premiership footballers.
He added that the men were from separate clubs and one had been playing last weekend.
Both arrests are in connection with the allegation by a 17-year-old girl that she was gang raped at the Grosvenor House hotel in central London.
Earlier this week, two other men were arrested and bailed by detectives.
A 27-year-old man, not thought to be a footballer, went voluntarily to a London police station on Thursday and, after questioning, was released on police bail.
Party organiser Nicholas Meikle, 29, was also arrested, questioned and released on bail.
He issued a statement claiming the girl had agreed to have sex with him, and others.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/031010/140/eas38.html
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Ace
PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime.
Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment meted out to latecomers back to the classroom.
In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).
Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles.
Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.
Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: "you can't make me"; or B: "It's not my ball anyway".
2. Bigger boys steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.
3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.
Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces. Congratulation by teammates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poaching bastard" from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from teammates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.
Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories.
Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a teammate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if "little Billy" is going to steal any of it.
Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch.
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime.
Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment meted out to latecomers back to the classroom.
In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).
Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles.
Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.
Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: "you can't make me"; or B: "It's not my ball anyway".
2. Bigger boys steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.
3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.
Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces. Congratulation by teammates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poaching bastard" from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from teammates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.
Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories.
Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a teammate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if "little Billy" is going to steal any of it.
Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch.
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Ace
Very dissapointed with the Ireland result, apparently they just gave in!!!!! Not like the Irish.
England did well to get the result! It will be interesting to see the championships next year.
Also wouldnt it be fun if Wales play Scotland in the playoffs!!!! There are some tuff teams inthe playoffs so wouldnt fancy the chances of either. Wales must feel hard done by as they had some good results in the group stages beating Italy and mustnt forget Finland!!!!
England did well to get the result! It will be interesting to see the championships next year.
Also wouldnt it be fun if Wales play Scotland in the playoffs!!!! There are some tuff teams inthe playoffs so wouldnt fancy the chances of either. Wales must feel hard done by as they had some good results in the group stages beating Italy and mustnt forget Finland!!!!