Should I stay or should I go now?

Esoterica · Post by **Esoterica** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 9:25 am

Hello all, I have been perusing the forums and figured I should stop reading and just ask my question as I haven't directly seen this issue addressed.

A little back story: I am (African) American, 31 years old and have known a Finnish gentleman for a few years now. There have been numerous conversations about my coming out to stay with him along with the occasional comment about marriage. It wasn't until recently that I realized that he might actually be serious.

My situation is this: I have dwarfism and a few musculoskeletal issues which do not prevent me from working, but prevent me from doing a lot of "normal" activities.

I had lived in the Nederlands for a bit during college and dated a man for about 2 years who lived in Sweden - traveling back and forth between countries during a 9 month time period. I felt "at home" and received more acceptance amongst various European cultures and felt my Finnish peers were slow to warming up to you, but once they did they became friends for life. When I actually lived in Sweden though, I felt isolated and dependant- only really spending time with my then boyfriend's friends and family. They were nothing but kind but I always felt like something of an interloper as I am used to being quite independant. The Nederlands was different though. I had no problems getting around or meeting new people.

There has since been the odd fantasy of moving back to Western Europe to regain the sense of history and architecture, art, and my incessant desire to travel.

I am in IT and find it hard enough getting employment and being accepted here (being a female minority who is considered 'disabled') and know the job market is pretty rough in Finland in general - but would I find it more difficult assimilating and finding gainful employment due to the physical differences?

No matter what I may feel or may come to feel for this individual, I know that there are certain things that I cannot accept. It would just be completely unbearable for me to not be productive. But, I cannot ask someone to forsake home and country on my account. So I would rather get a realistic view of the worst case scenario so that I can explain my position and not a) hurt him b) lead him on or c) put myself in a position where I become a clinically depressed raving maniac.

Thanks for reading.

**Sponsor:**

EP · Post by EP » Mon Mar 05, 2007 11:38 am

It wasn't until recently that I realized that he might actually be serious.

Finnish men don´t usually suggest marriage unless they mean it. Or unless they are very drunk.

a) hurt him b) lead him on or c) put myself in a position where I become a clinically depressed raving maniac.

Have you talked to him? Told him all this? You have many hindrances on your way to become employed, but the biggest are not dwarfism/female/African American, the biggest is language.

sinikala · Post by **sinikala** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 11:41 am

I don't know any "disabled" people here, but I get the impression that Finland is quite good in that area, I cannot imagine much discrimination over that. Probably you'll get a better response from http://www.invalidiliitto.fi/portal/en/

On the issue of race, so long as you have a job it should trump most race issues, especially if you have a professional job.

The difficulties you will face will be the same as any blond, blue eyed, white guy...

would I find it more difficult assimilating and finding gainful employment due to the physical differences?

I'd guess not, you will find it difficult because you don't speak Finnish.

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 11:51 am

And being in IT, employment depends a lot if you happen to be in a niche they really-reall-really want you. Then the language is not as big an issue.

rinso · Post by **rinso** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 2:52 pm

A lot also depend on where you intend to stay in Finland, In the Helsinki area or in nowheremäki (almost everywhere else).
Although people in the countryside can be very friendly, they avoid strange and new things. There you would be really isolated.
In the big cities, people can more easily accept your situation.
But yes, language is the most important factor.

Esoterica · Post by **Esoterica** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 2:04 am

First of all thank you all so much for your responses. It has certainly made certain aspects of the decision easier.

Well, I speak Finnish...ok, so I can only count to 3 and say a particularly dirty sentence, but that's a start right?

I know a bit of conversational Dutch, Mandarin, used to be fluent in French (when heavily intoxicated) can read a bit of Italian. I can also say something about a cat being a lesbian in Swedish and can read basic things. Oh, and I can also orally read Russian without understanding a bit of it unless the words tea, newspaper and grandma exist.

Long story short, I'm not afraid of the language and understand it would be a considerable amount of time before I was fluent enough to be marketable. I only have a Bachelor's and about 10 years of IT experience in networking, databases, Object Oriented programming, and web page design so nothing special. Honestly, I don't want to do it anymore, but don't think singing or cooking gourmet meals from leftovers is going to get me far in life - though it does tend to impress my friends, lol.

I just couldn't imagine not doing anything but sitting around the apartment almost every single day. I am rather domestic - Martha Stewart is my idol but that would drive me completely insane.

It just seemed silly to even potentially consider having a relationship with someone if I couldn't bear to live in his country. Now I can at least have an adult conversation about this instead of saying, "It costs too much" whenever he wants to make plans.

BTW, he lives in Helsinki.

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 9:20 am

10 years of IT experience in networking, databases, Object Oriented programming

If you were saying oracle, identity management and J2EE in there you just about got hired

They also look for test engineers and such on a regular basis, as well as software localization people, so don't undervalue the 10 years experience at all.

Esoterica · Post by **Esoterica** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 9:29 am

Nothing so glamorous. I am currently a software support analyst who does some implementations where I predominantly work with asp.net, some xml and SQL Server. Haven't worked with Oracle since college.

I'm pretty low on the totem pole. More of a Renaissance Woman - skilled in many subjects yet an expert in none.

Speaking of work, it's nearly 2:30 am. I should go to bed. I'm so out of it that my boss actually asked if I had been drinking, lol. These forums are addictive.

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 9:32 am

Heh, I'm a bottom feeder as well with a few legacy solutions and one-customer-only programme families. The guru cape flutters.

Just tell your boss you're practicing for Finland

cybertiger · Post by **cybertiger** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 12:21 pm

Oracle is aweful anyway, I have no idea why it is so popular.

Thanks Hank, nice to hear that Java is pretty strong in .fi

(Yes, I'm a Java developer of many years experience)

I love the buzz word bingo associated with looking for a Job...

J2EE.... You'll be lucky to find a good definition of what skills J2EE actually includes anywhere on the NET.

All the cool kids nowadays use AJAX, SOAP and one of the god aweful web frameworks, and probably some overpriced j2ee web server (e.g. websphere) with oracle-kick-me-up-the-bum-with-a-steel-toe-capped-boot.

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 12:28 pm

cybertiger wrote:(e.g. websphere)

I thought the software was supposed to censor cusswords

WAS5 you then and tomcat the browser you surfed on here

Karibu · Post by **Karibu** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 12:33 pm

cybertiger wrote:Oracle is aweful anyway, I have no idea why it is so popular.

Hey! Use some SOAP to wash your fingers so they don't write all those things.

Oracle is great. Well, I agree that my experiences of other db's are limited to M$ Access, so my opinion may be somewhat influenced (and justified considering my limited view)...

Anyway, if you Esoterica have good skills at IT, you are highly likely to find job in here. For starters, check all the links in here both left and right.

Esoterica · Post by **Esoterica** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 9:06 pm

You guys are the best! Thanks for the link Karibu.

After the way things at work and the dr's office went today I may need to wash my mouth out with SOAP. (I found it will cost me $500 a month out of pocket for my medical expenses not including medication!!!)

I might have to move to Finland whether I want to or not 'cause it's soon to be the choice between food and physical therapy if I stay here, hahhaha.

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