I need advice urgent about my situation please

[Amandine.K]

It's spam. Check that topic: bb/viewtopic.php?t=25920 somebdy received the exact same thing.

[Zakaria]

HELLO
I AM SORRY I WAS AWAY FROM THIS FORUM AND NOT UPDATING MUCH ABOUT MY SITUATION. LIFE WITH HER STILL HELL AS BEFORE...SHE USED TO GO TO HER FRIEND HOUSE AND SLEEP THERE FOR 2 MONTHS ...THEN HER FRIEND GOT SICK OF HER AND CALLED ANOTHER FRIEND TO INFORM HER NOT TO COME BACK AND ALSO SHE SAID TO TELLME TO BE CAREFUL FROM MY PARTNER AS SHE SAYS THAT SHE WANTED TO SENDME BACK TO CUBA AND SAY THE BABE DIED.
MY PARTNER WAS CRYING AND SAYING THAT EVERYTHING SHE SAID IS LIE ETC....SO I FORGIVE HER ....NOW SHE IS BACK TO HER FRIEND AGAIN ....EVEN AFTER WAT HAPPEND...SHE IS GETTING PAID FROM HER WORK EVEN SHE DOESNT GO THERE ....CUZ SHE IS UNABLE TO WORK ....ALL I GOT FROM HER IS 5 EURO TO SURVIVE ALL MONTH , BELEIVE IT OR NOT ...ONLY 5 EURO AND TOLDME TO BUY MILK....AND THE REST OF IT , SHE SPEND IT OUTSIDE ....ONCE I WENT OUT AND I CAUGHT HER WITH FULL OF BAGS OF FOOD ETC...CARRYING IT TO HER RELATIVES...I WAS CHOCKED ....AND MY SELF TO SURVIVE WITH ONLY 5 EUROS .....VERY STRANGE ....NOW I AM THINKING WAT THE HELL HAPPEN TO HER , IS SHE WEIRDO?....WAT SHE DOES WITH MONEY SHE GETS...IS SHE ON DRUGS ......IS SHE MENTAL LIKE HER FRIEND TOLDME IN THE PAST...VERY CRAZY ...LUCKY I GOT OTHER FRIEND THAT I MET AT THE CHURCH HE IS THE ONE WHO HELPME TO GET FOOD TO EAT.....
YES I HAVE PERMIT RESIDENCE ....BUT THE SITUAITON IS ALWAYS WORSE AS BEFORE...I BOOKED FOR A FINNISH COURSE TO STUDY ...AND STILL WAITING ....
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO .......TAKE ACTIONS NOW OR WAIT UNTIL THE BABE IS BORN .......
WITH FOOD I CAN SURVIVE ON MY FRIEND HELP AS HE TOLDME ....IF I START TO STUDY FINNISH COURSE AND GET PAID ....WILL SHE STILL GET PAID FROM HER WORK??? OR THEY STOP MONEY FROM HER ...OR MAYBE SHE WILL TAke the money from me I AM SURE OF TTHAT.....
ANY ADVICE WILL BE APRECIATE IT . THANK YOU

[debonaire]

HELLO
I AM SORRY I WAS AWAY FROM THIS FORUM AND NOT UPDATING MUCH ABOUT MY SITUATION. LIFE WITH HER STILL HELL AS BEFORE...SHE USED TO GO TO HER FRIEND HOUSE AND SLEEP THERE FOR 2 MONTHS ...THEN HER FRIEND GOT SICK OF HER AND CALLED ANOTHER FRIEND TO INFORM HER NOT TO COME BACK AND ALSO SHE SAID TO TELLME TO BE CAREFUL FROM MY PARTNER AS SHE SAYS THAT SHE WANTED TO SENDME BACK TO CUBA AND SAY THE BABE DIED.
MY PARTNER WAS CRYING AND SAYING THAT EVERYTHING SHE SAID IS LIE ETC....SO I FORGIVE HER ....NOW SHE IS BACK TO HER FRIEND AGAIN ....EVEN AFTER WAT HAPPEND...SHE IS GETTING PAID FROM HER WORK EVEN SHE DOESNT GO THERE ....CUZ SHE IS UNABLE TO WORK ....ALL I GOT FROM HER IS 5 EURO TO SURVIVE ALL MONTH , BELEIVE IT OR NOT ...ONLY 5 EURO AND TOLDME TO BUY MILK....AND THE REST OF IT , SHE SPEND IT OUTSIDE ....ONCE I WENT OUT AND I CAUGHT HER WITH FULL OF BAGS OF FOOD ETC...CARRYING IT TO HER RELATIVES...I WAS CHOCKED ....AND MY SELF TO SURVIVE WITH ONLY 5 EUROS .....VERY STRANGE ....NOW I AM THINKING WAT THE HELL HAPPEN TO HER , IS SHE WEIRDO?....WAT SHE DOES WITH MONEY SHE GETS...IS SHE ON DRUGS ......IS SHE MENTAL LIKE HER FRIEND TOLDME IN THE PAST...VERY CRAZY ...LUCKY I GOT OTHER FRIEND THAT I MET AT THE CHURCH HE IS THE ONE WHO HELPME TO GET FOOD TO EAT.....
YES I HAVE PERMIT RESIDENCE ....BUT THE SITUAITON IS ALWAYS WORSE AS BEFORE...I BOOKED FOR A FINNISH COURSE TO STUDY ...AND STILL WAITING ....
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO .......TAKE ACTIONS NOW OR WAIT UNTIL THE BABE IS BORN .......
WITH FOOD I CAN SURVIVE ON MY FRIEND HELP AS HE TOLDME ....IF I START TO STUDY FINNISH COURSE AND GET PAID ....WILL SHE STILL GET PAID FROM HER WORK??? OR THEY STOP MONEY FROM HER ...OR MAYBE SHE WILL TAke the money from me I AM SURE OF TTHAT.....
ANY ADVICE WILL BE APRECIATE IT . THANK YOU

Okay Zakaria...I can't comment much on your family situation...But why don't you open up a bank account...You have got your residency permit..I am not sure if you obtained the social security number from the maistraati...If you have that,then you can get a KELA card which entitles you to a lot of benefits just like the way native finns enjoy here...And then there is an Integration Programme for foreigners wherein you can claim financial assitance for atleast 3 years...You will have to check all this necessay information from the local KELA office or the KELA website which is also in English....Maybe your friend can help you out with these issues...

[sammy]

WILL SHE STILL GET PAID FROM HER WORK??? OR THEY STOP MONEY FROM HER ...OR MAYBE SHE WILL TAke the money from me I AM SURE OF TTHAT.....
ANY ADVICE WILL BE APRECIATE IT . THANK YOU

Zakaria, I think most people here do sympathise with your tricky position, and you have already received some excellent advice so I'm going to take a slightly different stance. Here goes.

You must understand that at the end of the day there's not much we can "do" - we can not deal with the situation and the problems you're facing on your behalf.

Also, we can not know what she will (or will not do).

You wrote that life with her is hell - do you still expect this to change? My guess -and personal experience- is that it will not change, no matter what you do or no matter how you may wish otherwise. I know it's easy to just say this, but having been in a somewhat similar situation myself (not exactly, but close enough - the baby thing makes your situation more complicated of course) I can only tell you this:

The quicker you can establish a life of your own that's IN NO WAY connected with her, the better.

Now, you still most probably think: how will she react if I do this and this. Instead, you should think: I'll do this and this.

Leave her out of the equation completely and you will be a happier man.

I also know that having read the above sentence, you will next come up with many sentences and counter-arguments that start with "but I still feel..." or "I can't..." or "I would, if only..."

Unfortunately there's no way I can convince you that those counter-arguments are merely excuses, since you do not yet genuinely want to change your situation. You prefer to wallow in misery and write about your problems here.

Please, please do not get trapped into pouring out hatred, misery and pleas for pity and advice over internet forums etc - she's not worth it.

Those sound like harsh words, but I do not mean them to be harsh. It is much more harsh of you to impose such torture on yourself. And please don't take this personally, falling into the trap of self-pity and "why aren't things like they used to be" is just human. It is also human to seek solace and understanding, so don't get me wrong - but the gist of my message is that at one point or another, you WILL need to get over the situation alone. We can not make any decisions for you, or change your life on your behalf.

So there. I wish you all the best. Believe me, your life will be better. It just takes some time - and effort. I also know that right now, the advice above sounds about as useful as a one-legged man in an ar$e-kicking competition. However, in a few months' / years' time you'll be happily agreeing with me and signing your name on the dotted line below.


I, Zakaria (the undersigned) totally agree with the opinions above

signature: ...................................... month: ....... year: ........

[sinikala]

MAYBE SHE WILL TAke the money from me I AM SURE OF TTHAT..... ANY ADVICE WILL BE APRECIATE IT . THANK YOU

and please STOP WRITING IN CAPITALS!!! you can do it... the above is proof.

[rinso]

Well, you got your residence permit now, so the immediate problems are solved.
Now you must face the tough decisions how to get on with your life.
Your wife doesn't love you, that's clear and she will leave you.
And reading what she does to you, I think that is for the best.

Your problems are now:
1- how to get money. So try everything to find a job.
2- what to do with your future child.
This is a much bigger problem.
You can try to get custody, but in your situation (no job, no money and no relatives here) it will be difficult. If you have to take care of a baby, you cannot work if there are no relatives or friends who can babysit every day. If your wife gets custody, she might be easy on the visiting, but from what you tell of her, I wouldn't count on it. So prepare yourself for a struggle.
In the end you have to decide how much you are willing to accept and how you want to live your life. That is something you have to do yourself, we cannot help with that.

That advice is two weeks old, but it is still valid.
You have to take control of your own life.
As Sammy says, leave her out of the equation.
The longer you feel sorry for yourself, the less you achieve.

[Zakaria]

ANY COMMENT FROM FRIEND HERE IN THE FORUM NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE I TAKE THEM TO BOARD ....BEEN ISOLATED IN THIS COUNTRY S NOT EASY MY FRIEND ....THE FRIEND I GET HELP FROM ...I HAD TO MEET HIM IN HIDING AS MY PARTNER DOESNT ALLOWME TO BE WITH ANYBODY SO I BE DUMP AND I DONT LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT LIFE HERE......ALL SHE WANTES WAS A SLAVE TO DO WAT EVER SHE ASKED FOR ....YES I KNOW I AM IN MISERY AND AKWARD SITUAITON BUT I DO IT ALL OF THE SAKE OF THE CHILD ....WHEN U EXPECT A CHILD UR VIEW OF THING CHANGE U DONT THINK ONLY ABOUT UR SELF , U THINK OF UR FAMILY AS WELL....ALSO I KNOW PATIENCE HAS A LIMIT ....BUT I WILL HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT IS BENEFECIAL IF I TAKE ACTION ....
DECISION YES I CAN MAKE BY MY SELF OF COURSE ....BUT OTHER PPLE WITH SIMILAR SITUATION DO HELP WITH THEIR OPINIONS SPECIALLY IF U R NEW TO A COUNTRY AND U DOT KNOW WELL THE CULTURE HERE .....
THE MOST IMPORTANT IS THAT I KNOW I AM VERY GENUINE GUY AND WITH BG HEART AND PRICINPLES ....AT LEAST AFTER TIME IN THE FUTURE I WOULD SAY , YES I DID TRY TO WORK IT OUT , I WAS PATIENT AND TRIED TO SORT THING OUT BUT IT DID NOT WORK .....I DONT WANT TO FEEL GUILTY IN THE FUTURE BY ANY SMALL ACTION I CAN TAKE UNDER THE STREES I AM LIVING OR MISERY I AM LIVING ......U MAY CALLME STUPID OR WEIRDO....BUT I DONT WANT MY ANGER ABOUT MY PARTNER TO JEOPIDIZE ANY RELATIONSHIP BTW ME AND MY CHILD IN THE FUTURE .....

FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE , SOME PPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE HEROS AND TRY TO REACT FAST THEY MAY END UP IN WOSE SITUAITON AND BLAME THEMSELVES ALL THEIR LIFE....

MY SITUATION IS NOT STABLE YET...WHO KNOWS I MAY JSUT LEAVE HER AND SHE use it against ME AND DEPORTME BACK TO MY HOME COUNTRY .

I WILL SEE WHAT IS NEXT?????

[sinikala]

Stop writing in capital letters .... argh!

[rinso]

I AM VERY GENUINE GUY AND WITH BG HEART AND PRICINPLES

And even bigger letters

[sammy]

From your latest post:

MY SITUATION IS NOT STABLE YET...WHO KNOWS I MAY JSUT LEAVE HER AND SHE use it against ME AND DEPORTME BACK TO MY HOME COUNTRY .

I WILL SEE WHAT IS NEXT?????

From your first post:

and my big fears is if she comes home and kickme out from the house , i have no relatives i dunno anybody here exept her ....where do i sleep ?how i am gona support my self ...etc..
any one can helpme with answer i will apreciate it so much

Zakaria, you have already received 12 pages of advice - and frankly, it seems that these three things

1) your situation
2) your incapability to DISCARD THE CAPITAL LETTERS
3) your questions

seem to have progressed almost nowhere at all.

One of the big reasons for this is, as many (including me) have stated, is that we can not solve this thing for you. Please re-read rinso's advice - if you merely keep on sending mile-long letters of complaint that all have the same content, you will not progress anywhere. Also, people (inlcuding me) will stop reading them after a while.

Especially if you do not drop the annoying writing in capitals now. It's a small thing, and if you're incapable of doing that, how on earth would you do anything else that we suggest?

And... btw... it does not make your case sound any more "genuine" than it does now.

[Zakaria]

SORRY MY KEYBOARD THE CAPSLOCK IS STUFFED UP SO I CAN TYPE IN SMALL LETTER ...I AM NOT SHOUTING OR DOING IT IN PURPOSE ...IT IS KEYBOARD FAULT NOT MINE .....I HOPE U GUYS UNDERSTAND THAT.
IS TRUE THEY R PROBLEMS THAT I HAVE TO SOLVE BY MY SELF AND NO ONE ELSE WOULD HELP WITH IT ...BUT REMEMBER IT IS MY WAY OF GEETING THINGS OUT OF MY CHEST .....IF YOU WERE IN MY SHOES U WOULD UNDERSTAND.....
DONT JUDGE OTHER PPLE WITHOUT LIVING THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE OR KNOW HOW THEY FEEL AND WAT THEY GO THROUGH ....ETC....
EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT CAPABILITY OF HANDLING THINGS ....WE ALL HUMAN AND DIFFERENT FROM EACH OTHERS....BUT I DEAL WITH THINGS WITH MY OWN WAY ...GOD BLESS
THANKS FOR UR ADVICES

[sammy]

IF YOU WERE IN MY SHOES U WOULD UNDERSTAND.....
DONT JUDGE OTHER PPLE WITHOUT LIVING THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE OR KNOW HOW THEY FEEL AND WAT THEY GO THROUGH ....ETC....

True, but how do you know what we've been through?

No-one's judging you. It's just that we can't be you. Besides, what's the point of asking for advice, if you maintain that you are the only person who "understands" enough? Then you and only you should already have the answer

I've said this before but I'll say it one more time: I can tell you this from my own experience that in a situation like that, outsiders may sometimes see much more clearly the "sane alternatives" than the person in question. AND that it takes time for the person to distance him/herself from the situation enough to recognise that they indeed are alternatives.

[rinso]

I have the impression that when you post another of your whinings, you can live a few days in your hellish situation before complaining again.
BUT IT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING
Stop complaining and get a grip on your life.

IT IS KEYBOARD FAULT NOT MINE

Like everything you say, it's someone's else fault.
I can accept that to a certain extent, but it's your fault if you do not solve those problems. Try harder.

[debonaire]

I have the impression that when you post another of your whinings, you can live a few days in your hellish situation before complaining again.
BUT IT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING
Stop complaining and get a grip on your life.

IT IS KEYBOARD FAULT NOT MINE

Like everything you say, it's someone's else fault.
I can accept that to a certain extent, but it's your fault if you do not solve those problems. Try harder.

The guy already said that there is some keyboard problem and thats why he cant do anything at the moment to avoid writing in capitals...Do you think any sane person would purposely go on writing in capitals when so many people have already asked him to avoid it..
Capitals is not a bigger problem than his condition...If its an eyesore for you,then stop reading the posts and stop making fun of his condition...The least you can do is not to be rude to him

[raamv]

I have the impression that when you post another of your whinings, you can live a few days in your hellish situation before complaining again.
BUT IT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING
Stop complaining and get a grip on your life.

IT IS KEYBOARD FAULT NOT MINE

Like everything you say, it's someone's else fault.
I can accept that to a certain extent, but it's your fault if you do not solve those problems. Try harder.

Yes..somehow magically, the keyboard did not have a fault in page 12, or
here
or here
or
here