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[lindaperuviana]

i cant find a way to delete my posts...so...

[Mook]

but he starts taking I don't know maybe 1 or 2, socially or hidden, 3 or 4 times a week.

doesn't sound like that much.

Many people here go and have 10 beers every Friday/Saturday night

[Karhunkoski]

You're not alone, lots of women here in Finland suffer life with an alcoholic husband. They try their best to stick by them, they listen to repeated promises that they will cut down their drinking, many suffer verbal abuse, some even physical abuse. Of all the alcoholics I know, I don't recall any of them managing to kick the habit, and mend their ways. They make excuses for themselves, often their own family try to excuse their behaviour, sometimes even their wives lie and try to cover up for the man they want to love and stick by their side whatever happens. You're not simply up against an individual with a drink habit, you're up against a society which has come to accept alcoholism as a part of life.

So in summary, if he is a true alcoholic, leave now rather than suffer a situation that is unlikely to improve. I wish you the best of luck.

[kika]

Hi
i suggest you call this place. They have people who can help you. just call and ask. you don't even have to give your name. they help immigrant women victims of violence, also those who want to divorce, they help with custody issues...etc
http://www.monikanaiset.fi

[Pursuivant]

but he starts taking I don't know maybe 1 or 2, socially or hidden, 3 or 4 times a week.

If I had such an insane women complaining about drinking beer I'd drink a bottle of whiskey a day just to piss her off.

[maurine]

but he starts taking I don't know maybe 1 or 2, socially or hidden, 3 or 4 times a week.

If I had such an insane women complaining about drinking beer I'd drink a bottle of whiskey a day just to piss her off.

how gentleman of you.

[Pursuivant]

I don't think she meant that her husband drinks one or two beers and then smashes walls down.

Well that would be "a problem" wouldn't it now?

I think she means that he said he wasn't drinking at all but then it becomes 3 or 4, until it's far more and far more often

I drink 3-4 on a normal day buts thats just because the option would be smashing walls down.

Besides, perhaps his one or two is one or two entire bottles of vodka!

Well thats my neighbor, whose now been on a binge for about 3 months.

[rinso]

Yes, your husband is an alcoholic even if he only has 3 beers and only does it twice a week - because his behaviour when drinking is a problem. You are right to want your son out of this violence. If it were me, I would ask the husband to leave. If he won't, take the baby and go.

Solid advice.

People with a drinking problem hardly ever get cured. They might stop drinking for a while (with a lot of help) but they will return to their own habits sooner or later.
The fact that he blames his surroundings (=you) for his problems is not a good sign for your future relationship.

Make plans for your life without him. Even if you care for him now, the situation can change rapidly and then you have to be ready for it.

[Mook]

The only bit about the drinking that seems to be a "problem" is that the OP doesn't want her husband to do it.... If he can stop for a month, then he clearly isn't an alcoholic. People can "choose" to drink without having to. Having young children is stressful - get through it any way you can!

[pseudo]

..........how do I act to DH if I see him that he has drank something, not totally drunk like on the floor, but that he has taken something? Im thinking to stay quiet and writing it all down on a diary, and then tell the social worker everything? should I shut up and not say anything and wait until he comes completely drunk and then I will have a reason to file for divorce?

He does not sound alcoholics to me. Alcoholics is a too strong label to be put on him. He's just a drinker, perhaps occasional binger. Do you realize that you might be playing a nagging wife to him?

To file for divorce you don't need any reason. Having said that the issue of child custody is definitely influenced by each parent's social behavior. Does he act irresponsible other than being mildly drunk? You said he don't sleep on the floor

If your primary worry resolves around child, you will get your share but since he seems to have acted satisfactorily in the eyes of the social worker...... you cannot cut his share unless of course you can prove he is an irresponsible father.

Just my opinion!

[pseudo]

He does not sound alcoholics to me. Alcoholics is a too strong label to be put on him. He's just a drinker, perhaps occasional binger. Do you realize that you might be playing a nagging wife to him?

Next you'll be telling us that rape victims asked for it!

His own parents say he had a problem with alcohol at 15. He gets drunk and then knocks furniture over and has physical fights in front of his wife and baby. Are you seriously saying it's her fault for nagging him? No way! If someone has a problem with a drug it is NEVER anyone else's fault! Personal responsibility, he put the glass to his lips, nobody made him do it! And he keeps saying he won't do it again and he does! If he loves his wife and baby he wouldn't break his promise all the time... unless he cannot help it because he has a problem.

Nagging in a sense is barking constantly to do or not to do something to other person when somebody is in clear defiance. When the man (woman) has a habit of drinking, and upon arrival at home drunk if other partner constantly interviews, bothers as OP puts it, it's nagging. I am not suggesting he's into drinks because of his wife but nagging won't help, it aggravates only. It's not gonna help the situation. So, to put it blatantly, the choice remains either to stick with this man and hope for the best or to get the hell out. In my eyes, this man is not an angel nor a devil, diito with this OP.

If his behaviours are deemed reasonably well by social workers, the OP cannot cut his share of child custody just because he comes home drunk. Surely, the relation is strained because of his drinking habits. No counselling came to rescue. She opts for divorce but I see a lack of grounds to award sole child custody to the OP unless the OP has withheld some personal info pertaining to his husband social disorders.

Drinking is a personal choice. Perkele.

[Hee]

If his behaviours are deemed reasonably well by social workers, the OP cannot cut his share of child custody just because he comes home drunk. Surely, the relation is strained because of his drinking habits.

Drinking is a personal choice. Perkele.

The OP is from Latin America. I'm sure she is perfectly familiar with what is considered reasonable behaviour after drinking alcohol and what is unreasonable behaviour. If she is so concerned, then there is surely a problem. If he is arriving home drunk, then that's a problem, for more reasons than one and yes, she is his wife and has a right to know if he was out drinking, as she is at home taking care of their baby. Not wanting to admit that he was out drinking, is signs of a problem and he may be doing it more than even she realizes.

[Mook]

The only bit about the drinking that seems to be a "problem" is that the OP doesn't want her husband to do it.... If he can stop for a month, then he clearly isn't an alcoholic. People can "choose" to drink without having to. Having young children is stressful - get through it any way you can!

Not quite. Alcoholism is a mental addiction rather than just physical dependence. You can have your social alcoholics who drink a bottle of wine every night for dinner but never hurt a fly.

Or you can have the ones that are drink-free for a month then get smashed and come home and punch their children.

Stopping for a month isn't quite proof of not being an alcoholic. There's a reason that reformed drinkers generally call themselves "recovering" alcholics. An alcoholic is an alcoholic for life; they certainly can get to the stage that they are free of alcohol, but drinking it in future is always going to be a problem for them. For many it literally only takes one beer to fall off the wagon, so to speak.

Let me ask you something, if I only drank on Saturdays, but I did it EVERY Saturday and drank 10 double shots of vodka in a row then came home and threw chairs, would I be an alcoholic? Yes, I would. It is clear I wouldn't be physically addicted (being alcohol free all week) but my repeated behaviour would tell you I have a problem with resisting alcohol. That's what I meant about alcohol controlling the person rather than the other way around.

My grandparents were both alcoholics and they certainly didn't drink every day. Most weeks would only be one or two days of 3 or 4 beers. But my mother and aunts have deep psychological scars to show what drink can do, because sometimes it wasn't just 4 beers. And when that happened, furniture and fists flew. My aunt can remember telling the police at the door to go away one evening, because she had been taught that it was acceptable and would be all over in the morning. But it never was.

Does this mean that I'm an alcoholic if I "choose" to drink half a bottle of wine every evening? (it's within health-safety limits) You don't seem to get that people can choose this without being physically addicted (which probably means that they have vodka for breakfast)

Most people don't hit the wife or kinds regardless of how much alcohol they have - I guess it's just bad genes if people do...

[Pursuivant]

You can have your social alcoholics who drink a bottle of wine every night for dinner but never hurt a fly.

Does this mean that I'm an alcoholic if I "choose" to drink half a bottle of wine every evening?

So that means most of France, Italy and Spain are full of alcoholics. They even have a glass of wine during lunch and give it to children.

[Pursuivant]

He does not sound alcoholics to me. Alcoholics is a too strong label to be put on him. He's just a drinker, perhaps occasional binger. Do you realize that you might be playing a nagging wife to him?

Next you'll be telling us that rape victims asked for it!

Well my ex-wife asked for it. Some nights I went and got wasted as I didn't want to be home hearing her yapping, and it was no use going home sober as she started yapping anyways. Sometimes I came home and wanted to relax and the yapping started so I went to drink as I was sober and the yapping was uncalled for. So then I started being at the cottage and bought about 5 old cars and I was *not* drinking - and still she was yapping. So women need to learn how to shut up and be happy for once for something.

If I ever get together with a women again the deal is I will do whatever I please whenever I please and she is quiet whenever I am around - thats why I'm looking for a deaf mute who likes bondage games.