post deleted

[Cloudberry]

Sadly he did it again, we started going to a psychologist, but sadly it didn't help as he has never admitted having a problem...in fact he did once, but a week ago he said that it was because of the pressure me and his parents put on him.

I figured they had already tried the counselling route without success. Of course if they can work things out that is the best option but failing that the only option I can see is going their separate ways. But certainly, this is obviously a complex and highly emotional situation where decisions cannot be made lightly. Ive been on both sides of the fence so to speak - viewed alcoholic parents verbally and physically abuse each other and then lived in a single parent home. Neither is a fantastic option for a child but living without a father along with the alcoholism and abuse (be it verbal or physical it's still "abuse") is the lesser of the two evils IMO.

I must say, having been through marriage problems and life crisis's myself, I worry very much when people on these forums can seriously advise for or against decisions so important and complicated, such as divorce, alcoholism and kids' lives.

I would hope that the OP is mature enough not to take the advice on this forum as the 'right' advice. I'm guessing she just needed to express her desperation and hear what others thought. I just hope that she has been able to get the support she needs, this is no doubt a very distressing situation and I truly wish her the best - whatever that ends up being for her.

[Pursuivant]

I can throw all the furniture out the window every day if I want to.

[skandagupta]

I can throw all the furniture out the window every day if I want to.

Me too, but then i gotta carry the stuff(or what`s left of it) back to quarters.
And it`s necessary to open the winda before i commence the projectory

[sammy]

Reminds me of neighbours we once had in Heinola.. about once a month, we'd wake up to one of our backyard bushes (a bush underneath the neighbours' bedroom window) being strewn with men's clothes,underwear, etc. We came to learn that this was his wife's way of saying "I'm mad because you were on a bender". Sometime that afternoon, he'd be out picking his clothes off our bush. This went on for a couple of years and then the guy disappeared. Ne'er a word was said about where he went or why.

Perhaps he moved to live in the bush, having gotten used to finding most of his earthly belongings there?

[lindaperuviana]

Thank you for all your responses, some of them went away from the real subject, but still thanks.

It is sad to read that still for some "people" here in Finland think that there is not any problem with alcohol. I could also see some "machismo" in the posts. Being from SouthAmerica, a place "known" from its MachoMen...and living here, Ive been able to see that there is even more of it here. But whatever, everyone has their own view when it comes to alcohol, maybe it is just comes from what families they come from, and how they have been raised.

I do not find anything wrong when drinking socially, even myself, I have drank socially for example when eating, maybe a glass of wine and thats it. Maybe 3 times a month? not anymore, as I am still breastfeeding my child...then only thing I am concerned about is when drinking gets out of control, once you find yourself you cant live any single day without drinking alcohol, then there is a problem.

.....Just to give you an update of what has happened lately...After that argument I had with my father in law, in a way blaming me, and asking to stop nagging my husband ( if I nag, it is because there is a problem, if I nag, its because I want to talk like adults, but I cant have any kind of conversation with my husband about it...if I nag its because I can not find any other way to communication, If I nag its because Im desperate and I dont know what to do! )

so, to continue, after that argument with his father...next day, me, my baby, my mom and father in law went to see an event, we came back, and when husband came home to say hi I could clearly see his face he had drink, I did not say anything to him, I just called my father in law and told him, please, go and see your son, I havent said anything to him, but he is clearly drunk. He said he will.

It was late night, 9,10,11,12 and about 1 am, husband came home totally drank and asked me he wanted to talk...we went to our bedroom, sat on the bed, he hold my hands, and said, I have a problem, and tomorrow I will go to the doctor and get an antabuzz ( spelling? ) I said, Its sad to see you like this, but I guess doing that (antabuzz thing ) is not going to get your fixed just like that, you need a process, psychology help, councelling,etc, it takes a time.

But whatever, that point is that he accepted he had a problem ( he has done that many times, so there is nothing new with that ) During that week, the social worker came, and husband said to her, that he wont drink anymore...So far...It will be 1 month without alcohol...so far, so good, he is a great person, he can be really focus on our family, and he enjoys so much of our son, who we love to death.

I have been continuing to go to the psychologist, he does not want to go, because according to him, he doesnt want to hear "his problem" again, and he says that he is doing ok. I can not force him to go there... He is not taking any help about the alcoholism...he just has stopped drinking. I am trying to be positive and everything, but as the psychologist said, I think he will drink again...It is a long process, and you really need help. My husband has not gotten any kind of help so...what can I say?

The only thing I can think now...in a marriage there is 2 people, I will support my husband, I want to give my son the opportunity to have mother and a father. But in the case, my husband doesnt seem to change, and get help, this situation will totally destroy me, and I just cant focus 100% on my son with this kind of stress. I will support him as long as he also does something, it is between the 2 of us. and we both have to work on for the best of our son. Once I was reading on an alcoholic blog and one woman said: It is better one good parent, than two broken ones. I know divorce is not good at all either, but I much prefer my son to live happy with me alone, than looking up to a father who just destroys himself, I dont want my son to follow those steps.

Thank you very much for your answers once again. I will keep you updated.

[Karhunkoski]

I am trying to be positive and everything, but as the psychologist said, I think he will drink again...It is a long process, and you really need help. My husband has not gotten any kind of help so...what can I say?

The trick-cyclist is correct, statistically speaking he will drink again. Then he will feel ashamed and angry with himself, then he will drink again to comfort that negative feeling. Do everything you can to get him to seek professional help. They have plenty of experience because there are new cases like yours every day, and alcoholism is near impossible to beat without help. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for nagging. If he listened to you the first time you wouldn't have to nag Wishing you the best of luck. Be strong.

[lindaperuviana]

thank you! Im trying to stay positive and strong for my son, if he does it again, Id would have to leave to those houses the social workers have. Maybe, once i am gone for a while he might realize it for real and he will get the professional help he really needs. At least I am not alone anymore...I have the social workers for support.

[Karhunkoski]

Linda, check your PM. More info there.

[Enkelix]

This original post is a really sensitive issue for all involved.

What do we know about the husband?
The husband drinks.
The husband gets drunk but not in to a state of unconsciousness.
He drinks 1-2 social drinks 3-4 times a week.
He's apparently violent when he's drunk (this based on one line where he and his dad pushed each other and knocked a table over.)
Apparrently he has had this problem since he was 15. (I take it that this is getting drunk.)
He doesn't think he is an alcoholic.
He can stop drinking for a month. Sometimes even 3 months.
He's gone voluntarily to a psychologist. He's gone voluntarily to a social worker.

What do we know of the poster:
She doesn't like her husband drinking.
She doesn't seem to want him to drink any form of alcohol.
She expects this change immediately.
She asks him if he's been drinking when he gets home.
If she doesn't believe him she checks his breath.
She's considering filming him drunk.
(Just following Hanks point of view for the husband this would be a stressful way of life)
Because this change isn't happening immediately she sees him as failing to change.

What do we know of them as a couple.
They are together just over 2 years
They are now married
They have a 7 month old baby

Were they married before they had the child?
How long were they together before they got married?
How much did they really know each other before they got married?
Had they actually lived together and got to know each others habits before they got married?
How old is the husband?
How many years of a habit does he need to change for some one that he knows just over 2 years?

I know the OP is looking for comfort here but there are so many situations involved in this post that we all don't know about that nobody can categorically advise somebody to take a child away from a parent and file for divorce.

God... you must be DOGBERT.... No doubts at all... hahaha... good summarize about Lindaperuviana's case

This case just approves my theory: Finnish man + Peruvian woman + Engagement (marriage, children, family, etc...) = Oh, Oh... Problems...

I'm 4 months pregnant, got a finnish boyfriend as well and things are not easy at all for us... I say us, because I consider it's not easy for my boyfriend either... It's a big thing when it comes to cultural differences. I've noticed that a lot of peruvian women have to face this kind of problems, some of them get to sort them out but some others don't. The main thing here is that, once a child is involved, the story is no longer about two, but about three. The new one has also rights but unfortunately, will have to carry with the consequences of most of our thoughtless desicions, like getting pregnant too quickly, or married, or whatever... Maybe you Dogbert might wonder why on earth she published such a personal issue on the net to seek some advice. I wonder it too. However, I know that if I was in Finland, I'd feel much more stressed and lonely than what I could be here, in my country, Peru...