So... think forward, say your child is 5 years old, and says something in your language. What do you think your husband will do?
I think your husband is afraid that you and your child will start having conversations that he can't understand, and then he can't control you. How is he when you talk with your parents? Is he paranoid about what you have spoken? Anyway, he sure sounds like a crazy control freak. He does sound like he is mentally abusive, too, with correcting your language and blaming you that he cannot perform at work like he should. He is making everything sound like it is your fault, and in your mind, when it is actually he himself that is having problems.
If you want to save your marriage, get at least family counceling. But, well... check also out recourses for emotional abuse, just to check if it would fit your family situation. And check out what you need to do for divorce and keeping yourself safe, so you know what your options are.
Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
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J.Honkanen
- Posts: 133
- Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2009 11:57 pm
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
I would also suggest knowing where local women's shelters are. That way, if a family situation does become violent, the woman would know of at least one safe place to go with her child(ren) that is realitively close to home. As far as I know, almost every city in the US has one.Cory wrote:Anyone else care to add to this list?
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
He is abusive. I am English and have a 1.5 year old. My wife is Finnish. I think that giving him both languages is one of the most fantastic gifts that we have to offer. Yes, I want my child to go to an English school when he's 7, but that it because I want to be able to speak with his friends and help him with his homework, not because I am worried that he won't communicate with me. If you and your husband are having an argument over this, it is probably him just wanting to pick a fight with you - the issue in itself is not the cause.
I'm sorry to say this, but he's not someone you will be spending the rest of your life with if what you say is indicative of his behaviour.
I wish you well.
He is abusive. I am English and have a 1.5 year old. My wife is Finnish. I think that giving him both languages is one of the most fantastic gifts that we have to offer. Yes, I want my child to go to an English school when he's 7, but that it because I want to be able to speak with his friends and help him with his homework, not because I am worried that he won't communicate with me. If you and your husband are having an argument over this, it is probably him just wanting to pick a fight with you - the issue in itself is not the cause.
I'm sorry to say this, but he's not someone you will be spending the rest of your life with if what you say is indicative of his behaviour.
I wish you well.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
I am sorry for your situation.
Obviously, when reading posts of this nature, we only get one side of the story - which is not to say that there is another side, or that your husband is right in any way etc., but still, we only get one side.
Have you perhaps had any conversations with your husband as to why he wants his child to only speak English? Did I understand correctly that he does not speak Finnish to the child? Has your husband had issues with Finland in the past? Is he from a difficult background maybe, and trying to "escape" by essentially "creating" a new identity for his child?
I may be quite wrong, but somehow I get the impression that you might be from a "newer" EU country, and that perhaps your husband is somehow (and quite wrongly) "ashamed" that his child might speak an "eastern language" or something like that.
Of course, this is all speculation on my part, but what I am trying to say, is that there might be some deeper reason why your husband has these strange feelings about language. So, what I mean here, is that if the marriage is something that you want to save, if you feel that things could be good between you, if it were not for the language issue, then it might be worth exploring the issue some more with him, and maybe getting some help (professional). On the other hand, if you feel that the marriage is not good or worth saving anyway, and that the language issue is only compounding the situation, then, you need to make contingency plans to get out, safely, and with your child.
Remember, that rightly or wrongly, the courts (especially in the US) almost always give custody to the mother, unless there is a compelling reason why not to, such as drugs/alcohol etc. Can you get some kind of job, so that you can be financially more independent? Do you have any profession or qualifications? If not, I suggest you enroll in some kind of education right now. If you do divorce, you will need to be able to provide for yourselves.
As other posters have said, get citizenship of your country for your child, but don't attempt to abduct the child home to your country, it will only complicate things for you in the long run.
Obviously, when reading posts of this nature, we only get one side of the story - which is not to say that there is another side, or that your husband is right in any way etc., but still, we only get one side.
Have you perhaps had any conversations with your husband as to why he wants his child to only speak English? Did I understand correctly that he does not speak Finnish to the child? Has your husband had issues with Finland in the past? Is he from a difficult background maybe, and trying to "escape" by essentially "creating" a new identity for his child?
I may be quite wrong, but somehow I get the impression that you might be from a "newer" EU country, and that perhaps your husband is somehow (and quite wrongly) "ashamed" that his child might speak an "eastern language" or something like that.
Of course, this is all speculation on my part, but what I am trying to say, is that there might be some deeper reason why your husband has these strange feelings about language. So, what I mean here, is that if the marriage is something that you want to save, if you feel that things could be good between you, if it were not for the language issue, then it might be worth exploring the issue some more with him, and maybe getting some help (professional). On the other hand, if you feel that the marriage is not good or worth saving anyway, and that the language issue is only compounding the situation, then, you need to make contingency plans to get out, safely, and with your child.
Remember, that rightly or wrongly, the courts (especially in the US) almost always give custody to the mother, unless there is a compelling reason why not to, such as drugs/alcohol etc. Can you get some kind of job, so that you can be financially more independent? Do you have any profession or qualifications? If not, I suggest you enroll in some kind of education right now. If you do divorce, you will need to be able to provide for yourselves.
As other posters have said, get citizenship of your country for your child, but don't attempt to abduct the child home to your country, it will only complicate things for you in the long run.
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
I'd leave him. What a jerk.
He should be very happy and thrilled that the baby can be bilingual and now is the time to do it. It is much more difficult as an adult to pick up another language. And this will open several doors for your son/daughter (sorry I couldn't finish the whole post either).
I'd seek therapy.
He should be very happy and thrilled that the baby can be bilingual and now is the time to do it. It is much more difficult as an adult to pick up another language. And this will open several doors for your son/daughter (sorry I couldn't finish the whole post either).
I'd seek therapy.
Dominique
http://about.me/TheArtsyfartsy123
http://about.me/TheArtsyfartsy123
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
I am sorry to know about your situation, and I hope that things will work out for you.
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
The reasons I am writing here are:
1. because my child is Finnish
2. because when he was registered in the Magistraati, my husband registered him has having English as his mother tongue, and I don´t know if it has any implications.
3. because I thought maybe I was just going crazy and this was just me being unjust to my husband and I thought maybe people who are Finnish and-or married to Finnish people and foreigners might see this in a different light to me. Somehow, hoping I was wrong about my feelings.
To my husband, learning languages is a waste of time, once you know English you are set to live in the world. He also thinks it is a waste of your brain resources, that could be well put to other uses, like becoming a better scientist, a better mathematician, anything. So he thinks I am setting our son to be a loser who can maybe translate and read from various languages, but won´t be able to do anything original on his own. That to learn about the world, to learn to read and write and build on that all you need is one language and since English was what we spoke all these years, it is the logical choice.
I think my language and Finnish to our son are gifts that will enable him to better understand his roots, where he comes from, to interact with his grandparents and other relatives in a fully meaningful way, perhaps one day he might want to live in Finland or in my country or in all the other countries where my language is spoken, and this is a fantastic way to give him tools for life to no cost. He might want to come study to Finland for university. He might need my language when applying for a job in the US. And he might better enjoy his parents if they are happy and confortable when they speak to him.
So as you can see, we can never agree. But the problem is that he has taken his attitude toward my feelings about this in a way that I would have never expected, with the threats to leave and those overreactions and those words that hurt me like a bleeding wound.
I have a job in the UK, although I am on unpaid leave at the moment so that we could be in the US. Living there is temporary (for two years, although he might try to apply for a job to stay) and so I was wondering if then the US rules would apply on a divorce. I am afraid that having a job so far from the US, and if he wanted to keep in touch with the baby, I might be forced to stay in the US (assuming I would get custody), or forced to be in the UK where I have now a job and where it could be guaranteed the baby learns to speak English. But you see, it does not make sense for me to live in the US or in the UK anymore if I am not married, because i feel i need stability and support, but i would not get them in the US, definetely, and little in the UK.
1. because my child is Finnish
2. because when he was registered in the Magistraati, my husband registered him has having English as his mother tongue, and I don´t know if it has any implications.
3. because I thought maybe I was just going crazy and this was just me being unjust to my husband and I thought maybe people who are Finnish and-or married to Finnish people and foreigners might see this in a different light to me. Somehow, hoping I was wrong about my feelings.
To my husband, learning languages is a waste of time, once you know English you are set to live in the world. He also thinks it is a waste of your brain resources, that could be well put to other uses, like becoming a better scientist, a better mathematician, anything. So he thinks I am setting our son to be a loser who can maybe translate and read from various languages, but won´t be able to do anything original on his own. That to learn about the world, to learn to read and write and build on that all you need is one language and since English was what we spoke all these years, it is the logical choice.
I think my language and Finnish to our son are gifts that will enable him to better understand his roots, where he comes from, to interact with his grandparents and other relatives in a fully meaningful way, perhaps one day he might want to live in Finland or in my country or in all the other countries where my language is spoken, and this is a fantastic way to give him tools for life to no cost. He might want to come study to Finland for university. He might need my language when applying for a job in the US. And he might better enjoy his parents if they are happy and confortable when they speak to him.
So as you can see, we can never agree. But the problem is that he has taken his attitude toward my feelings about this in a way that I would have never expected, with the threats to leave and those overreactions and those words that hurt me like a bleeding wound.
I have a job in the UK, although I am on unpaid leave at the moment so that we could be in the US. Living there is temporary (for two years, although he might try to apply for a job to stay) and so I was wondering if then the US rules would apply on a divorce. I am afraid that having a job so far from the US, and if he wanted to keep in touch with the baby, I might be forced to stay in the US (assuming I would get custody), or forced to be in the UK where I have now a job and where it could be guaranteed the baby learns to speak English. But you see, it does not make sense for me to live in the US or in the UK anymore if I am not married, because i feel i need stability and support, but i would not get them in the US, definetely, and little in the UK.
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fatherchristmas
- Posts: 34
- Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:33 pm
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
I grew up with my parents speaking their own languages to me. It has benefited me GREATLY over the years. My wife and I speak Finnish, her first language and English, my first language to our kids. We also speak a third language to each other around the house. Our kids have a passive knowledge of this third language since they hear it all the time. At school our eldest daughter has Finnish as her main language.
Your husband is an ignorant domineering idiot. The more languages you know, the better for you. I speak 4 languages very well and wish I could learn a few more.
Your husband is an ignorant domineering idiot. The more languages you know, the better for you. I speak 4 languages very well and wish I could learn a few more.
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
As I understand it, you can not take the kid out of the US unless you get his permission. If you are living there temporarily, it brings up another issue, regarding what visa you have. You definitely need legal advice if you decide to go the divorce path. Reading your story, that would be my advice, although your situation is a hard one.TomaMe wrote: I have a job in the UK, although I am on unpaid leave at the moment so that we could be in the US. Living there is temporary (for two years, although he might try to apply for a job to stay) and so I was wondering if then the US rules would apply on a divorce. I am afraid that having a job so far from the US, and if he wanted to keep in touch with the baby, I might be forced to stay in the US (assuming I would get custody), or forced to be in the UK where I have now a job and where it could be guaranteed the baby learns to speak English. But you see, it does not make sense for me to live in the US or in the UK anymore if I am not married, because i feel i need stability and support, but i would not get them in the US, definetely, and little in the UK.
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OpenMindedMother
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2009 2:53 pm
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
Hello, sorry about your situation. Now you have analzed it a lot and cried for it and felt bad. Ok, good to take out everything. Now it's time for you to get strong and do the best for YOURSELF and for your baby. Your parents and your husband's parents are enough grown up to understand the situation and they will continue with their lives... and if they don't understand, that's their problem. You have to do what is best for you and your child.
It is very much proven that a child grows up happier with only the love a mentally healthy and strong mother and without a father... than with a father and mother always fighting and the mother giving the bad example of letting others step on her. If you show your kid that you are strong and can deal with anything, he/she will really appreciate it (maybe when the kid is older, 20 years old?, but still better than resenting you for all his/her life for not showing strength when really needed).
One more thing from my side: in Finland, it is possible to get a divorce even if the other side does not agree. You just need to fill some form and report it to maistraatti. They will inform your husband and if you haven't "reconcile" after some months, they will grant the divorce. You just need to call/mail maistraatti and get informed how is the process and what happens with your child while the reconciliation time passes.
And, by the way, if you are having these big fights and bad feelings because of the language that your child speaks... imagine the fights when you need to choose the school, religion, hobbies that your kid will do... or when you have to "approve/disapprove" his/her friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, trips, etc. It is very difficult to change a grown-up so either you take all the fights and continue crying (then the stupid would be you) or you have a new beginning.
Good luck and be strong!
It is very much proven that a child grows up happier with only the love a mentally healthy and strong mother and without a father... than with a father and mother always fighting and the mother giving the bad example of letting others step on her. If you show your kid that you are strong and can deal with anything, he/she will really appreciate it (maybe when the kid is older, 20 years old?, but still better than resenting you for all his/her life for not showing strength when really needed).
One more thing from my side: in Finland, it is possible to get a divorce even if the other side does not agree. You just need to fill some form and report it to maistraatti. They will inform your husband and if you haven't "reconcile" after some months, they will grant the divorce. You just need to call/mail maistraatti and get informed how is the process and what happens with your child while the reconciliation time passes.
And, by the way, if you are having these big fights and bad feelings because of the language that your child speaks... imagine the fights when you need to choose the school, religion, hobbies that your kid will do... or when you have to "approve/disapprove" his/her friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, trips, etc. It is very difficult to change a grown-up so either you take all the fights and continue crying (then the stupid would be you) or you have a new beginning.
Good luck and be strong!
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
He is ignorant and abusive.
He is ignorant and abusive.
Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product. Eleanor Roosevelt
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
Maybe you have posted on other forums, but since you are in the US, I assume both you and your husband has some kind of visa to be there legally, maybe try posting here as well. You might get some advice.
http://www.visajourney.com/forums/
Catholic Charities
Web: http://www.catholiccharitiesinfo.org/
In most states, provides legal representation and information for victims of domestic violence with immigration issues. Find the program closest to where you live.
http://www.visajourney.com/forums/
Catholic Charities
Web: http://www.catholiccharitiesinfo.org/
In most states, provides legal representation and information for victims of domestic violence with immigration issues. Find the program closest to where you live.
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
I'd haphazard a guess that it is "very much proven that a child grows up happier with only the love a mentally healthy and strong _parent_ and without a _other parent_... than with a _parent_ and _the other parent_ always fighting and the parent giving the bad example of letting others step on him/her". Its not always the father that is stepping on mother.OpenMindedMother wrote:It is very much proven that a child grows up happier with only the love a mentally healthy and strong mother and without a father... than with a father and mother always fighting and the mother giving the bad example of letting others step on her.
http://google.com http://translate.google.com http://urbandictionary.com
Visa is for visiting, Residence Permit for residing.
Visa is for visiting, Residence Permit for residing.
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easily-lost
- Posts: 586
- Joined: Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:00 pm
- Location: Finland
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
Your husband is a Finn, isn't he? If he only spoke Finnish and Swedish, I'd love to see how he can get the job in the US. So, is learning a foreign language really a "waste" of time? English is just the current lingua franca, can he predicate it will remain so till the day his son retires? If he can't guarantee that, maybe it's better not to stand in the child's way to his bright future.TomaMe wrote:To my husband, learning languages is a waste of time, once you know English you are set to live in the world. He also thinks it is a waste of your brain resources, that could be well put to other uses, like becoming a better scientist, a better mathematician, anything. So he thinks I am setting our son to be a loser who can maybe translate and read from various languages, but won´t be able to do anything original on his own. That to learn about the world, to learn to read and write and build on that all you need is one language and since English was what we spoke all these years, it is the logical choice.
If he truly respects his son's own interest, he would try to provide as many means as possible to see which direction the child tends to develop towards by himself, instead of cutting off opportunities before the kid even realizes. What if your son shows great interest in different languages? Will your husband call him a loser and abandon him then?! Children are not parents' "possessions".
Se ei pelaa, joka pelkää.
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santtu1979
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2009 3:38 pm
Re: Is my husband abusive? or is he right?
Are you blind?????? he is an £$€¤%&!!!! this person doesn´t love you anymore so what are you waiting? show him middle finger and go away. In the world are plenty of single mother... The child has so big fortune to speak two language and if your husband doesn´t understand that it´s his problem!!!!
Now take your baby, a good lawyer and go away!!! He doesn´t need you around you. Sorry to be rude but you have to face the truth.
Now take your baby, a good lawyer and go away!!! He doesn´t need you around you. Sorry to be rude but you have to face the truth.
