very confused - divorce & single parenthood

[ananga]

I am very confused at the moment. May be somebody can give some advice or something..

I am originally from Estonia, came to Finland two years ago to move in with my boyfriend, little I knew it will be so difficult. As we were not officially married I was not entitled for any support (as language courses, registration anything..), well anyway, learned Finnish myself, got a cleaning job (worked in advertisment in Estonia), got registered and got pregnant (10 years doctors said that I cannot become pregnant, but that whole different story, the point is that pregnancy was not planned).. I had to quit my job after few month, as it was very demanding physically and I was afraid for my baby. Now our daughter is almost one year old, my boyfriend always said that he never wanted to have children, but also he is in love with her I am still at home with her, do not have a job here and 1 year for kindergarden is way to early in my opinion. I have very few friends here (not so great in making new friends and small child takes a lot of time). And we decided to separate.. He is not in love with me. The free-spirited, fun to be around, traveller etc. woman he met few years ago is not around anymore (I am really changed and not in a good sense, do not recognize myself even)..

Ok, he wants to be alone, thats fine. Our relationship is clearly not working, so I am even glad that we decided to separate. Probably I would try more, because we have our cutie and we owe it to her, but he doesnot believe in "us", and well, what can I do.

The problem is I have no idea what to do with my life. To stay here in Finland or to go back to Estonia.. My prospects of finding decent job here are very obscure (on the other side decent job in Estonia will pay even less than simple job here), my friends and family are scattered around the world, but they are clearly not here in Finland (slightly more friends I have in Estonia and some family members are still there). If I would stay here my baby girl would have her father close by and they would have opportunity to develop nice relationship. If I will go back, that will be more difficult. I strongly dislike town where I live (Jyväskylä), I do not like architecture, surroundings, I miss sea. I am still in love with Tallinn... How it is even possible to stay here financially, till I will get some job? I am getting just this 350 eur hoitotuki and 100 eur lapsilisä, he will pay some 250 eur child support (we agreed on that, when daughter will grow will be bit more, I guess). That is clearly not enough for living here, but it would be enough for first couple of months in Estonia (till find an apartment, job, nanny or kindergarden, after I will arrange everything then officially register in Estonia and lose KELA support..)...

So I am very confused. I do not expect anyone just to say what to do with my life, but if somebody has some nice words of encouragement or can share their experiences, would be very nice.

[Pursuivant]

Well... umm... jöudu, ja õnne...

BTW what I just heard from an Estonian brickie is that prices in Tallinn are as high or higher in Estonia and pay is crap - and you know what the nonexistant KELA in Estonia is. So if you hate Jyväskylä... is any Karksi-Nuia or Abja-Paluoja any better??? *shrug* elu on, kuidas teged...

[ananga]

thanks.

well, Karksi-Nuia has very beautiful surrondings. I was born in southern Estonia

Is it better to work for pay as a crap in your country, or to feel like a crap while begging from officials here?

[paulrenn]

Hi ananga,

If you still have family in Estonia, I would seriously consider going back and being closer to them. It is a really big help with small kids to have some support, and I would guess you're more likely to get it "back home".

Estonia and Finland are so close, that the father should not have much trouble to visit his daughter. It is even cheap to do so although I suppose it takes longer and costs more if he lives in Jyväskylä rather than Helsinki. You'd probably feel better getting more space between yourself and your ex, too, and away from the daily grind which you clearly are not enjoying.

Children do change you in a big way, and sometimes the people involved don't grow in the same direction following the introduction of a new person in the relationship, since priorities inevitably change radically.

I think you should be brave and think what's best for you and your baby - the father relieved himself of duty so don't stay around just for his sake.

[AldenG]

thanks.

well, Karksi-Nuia has very beautiful surrondings. I was born in southern Estonia

Is it better to work for pay as a crap in your country, or to feel like a crap while begging from officials here?

I think it is possible you have already answered your own question and are looking for courage to make a change. Sometimes turning back can be an act of courage in itself.

You have named a number of things you feel are better in Estonia and only one (money) that you feel is better in Finland. Perhaps it is easier to fix one thing in Estonia than many things in Finland? I am guessing that everything you do in Finland is an uphill struggle, where at least in your home country, about which you love many things, at least you are on level ground?

[tuulen]

Hei, ananga,

You have done an excellent job of describing your circumstances, but I am sorry that you could have such troubles.

However, it appears that some good advise has been given to you, and it appears that you do have some friends, right here.

[Idefix]

What does Finnish law say about moving out of the country with a child? Maybe the father has to give his approval for you to take the child out of Finland? In many countries this is the case.

[ananga]

thanks everyone.. I am starting to get used to the "single mom" idea.. I do not want to make rush decisions though, will go to visit relatives & friends in Estonia for a few weeks and then decide.