child under 18 years born a baby

[lanny8798]

the problem, many times, me and her father has different opnion for her behavior, like some times it really piss me off that she only discuss with her father some issues,then her father make the decision without me, i even dont know what is happening to her, i dont know if it is the right way for him or not, but anything concerning my younger girl who is not her daughter, i always let him to participant the dicision making for her issue, such as buying things, visit friends, school activities etc. he always said because he thinks it is a small issue, such as visit friends, come home late. i feel it push the issue worse, she will not repect my role at his house because her father shows her that i dont need to be asked. i feel frustrate many times when it is happen, and it is happen today again, and he thinks i am crazy because i got angry for this. am i wrong? if she did not follow the house rule, and i only request my daughter to follow, she will feel unfair to her. i always tell my daughter that you are not going to die if you do this house work to help me, she is listening and doing all the time, but i realy dont know what she feels for the situation right now. everything goes worse after we move back to finland that is what i afraid. and she feel she got support from her mother and grandmother, her attitude is totally different than before. she has been the only kids for grandmother and for this family.

[Mölkky-Fan]

It sounds to me that you have some jealously problems to deal with and some communication problems with your husband, sorry to be so blunt. maybe I am wrong, as I am no psychologist, but that is what comes forward in your mails.

In our family both of the parents make by themselves simple decisions such as letting our kids go out, stay out a little late, watch certain TV programs, buy things, visit friends etc. Of course for large decisions (belly button piercing and mopo are the latest!) then we discuss as a couple before deciding. The main thing is that my wife and I have discussed what our boundaries are (mine are a little stricter than my wifes, but I spoil them more ) so that both of us know what our joint position is, and importantly we know which issues might be a problem for the spouse. Sure we sometimes make a mistake, but we are all human and apologies go a long way when you do.

There are some things my kids discuss with me and some they discuss with my wife, and sometimes they will try their luck with both of us If the parents are on the same wavelength then what is the problem with this.

With regard to the mother and grandmother in Finland situation, it again points to your insecurities and not your daughter's upbringing.

We also get the kids to do housework, I am not quite sure how that fits into this discussion.

I wish you luck, and hope not to have offended you too much...

[lanny8798]

To Fan:

you did not offened me at all, this is open discussion. first of all, i am not a jelousy person, if i am, i will not agree to take her 4 years ago when i knew she has lots of problem already. me and her father we both worked in china for finnish company 3.5 years. now my husband has the single custody to her( that is what i request when her mother want to leave her to us, her mother gave her to us because she has been escape from school, hanging with bad kid, her school grade is very poor. i knew her mother is difficult to handle, i experienced her behavior since I met my husband. she is the person told her daughter that i am a bad woman when I just marry him and stop my husband being her ATM machine by excuse of kids(by the way, she is a Thai). her mother did not pay any support money to her, as I mentioned, only contact her 3 or 4 times when we were in China, and every summer holiday, she stays less days than we agreed. if she has been a good girl, i will not worry or be strict at all, she's biggest problems is lying all the time, and play together with the bad kids. her judgement for friend is totally out of line. at age of 12, she can create a fake email address as a boy with other 3 friends,write love letter to one girl who newly join their class, and this game last for 3 months, i noticed that she is so busy with chatting, and i remind my husband, he said it is nothing, only kids chatting, until one day, they expose this in front of classmate and make this girl so shamed that she refuse to go to school, she told me that she was not involved, but 3 days later, the principle called me and they have proved she was involved, and her father has to face the principle. that week, she was forbiden to school for 3 days. this is only one example. if we did not catch her lying at face, she will always deny. and somehow, my husband is protect her many times, he knew it by himselves. it is not me jelousy, she is the person when i married her father and take my daughter with me. there has been so many happenings i can not list one by one, i try to let it over and give her chance to learn and to imporve, but not so simple and so easy as i wished. now i really understand my mother's worry when i marry him, my mother has warned me that step mother is not an easy role, at that time i did not know that she will move to us just one year after i live with her father.
moreover, we have been in very difficult financial situation at the time when i marry her father and live in finland. if I dont go back to China to work, we might in the worse situation, as everybody knew, in finland one person's normal salay can not afford the living for 3 person.
many times, my husband knew that i was right after something happened, but he just did not learn to listen to me more.
Fan, you might be able to buy your kids a mopo, you might be able to offer your kids A Sweet 16 birthday party as showing in MTV, but i believe we are not able to, except we take loan for this.
i try to find a job in Finland, but it is too difficult, unless I take the job that they let me located in China like last 3 years. now i am going to finish my master degree study while take care of two kids at home and cook for 6 person, I believe I am strong enough, but still, many times the situation breaks my nerves. few days ago, I got to know that her mother will have a vacation to Thailand this summer so that she can only stay with her mother for 1 week. then i ask why your mother choose the time when you should be with her? you have not been together for one year! if your mother break the agreement without telling us, we will complain to social government, she might lose the right to meet you. then she threated me that she will move to her mother if i did not let her to meet her mother. I said the judge may forbid her to meet you if she is not fulfill her responsibility, not me, you can meet you mother any time if she discuss with us and we agrees. in eastern day, her mother just pop up to our city and ask her father to send her to city for a meet, I agreed, but i did not agree to send her because we are in the middle of renovation. then her mother get pissed and yelling in the phone to him. as I said that we have been home over weeks, your mother could call us and let us know she is coming to meet you, not just pop up in the middle of the day and requrest us to sent you to meet. as long as her mother dont bother our life, tell the kids bad words about us and follow the agreement, i dont have anything to against her.

[lanny8798]

one more thing, why i want to control more on outing, because she did not keep her words, we agreed she will be home at 3pm when she go somewhere with friend, then she come home at 5pm without calling us. today again, i even dont know she was in city with friend after school, then i asked my husband when i noticed she did not come home with younger one together, he said, that he has agreed this and she will be home about 3pm, then she come home at 4:30, and we have grandmother's birthday party at 5. we need to drive from middle of nowhere to city. then her father explain to me when i ask where she is at 4pm, he said that he told her come earlier, he did not tell her to be home at 3. i dont know which one is truth, is he trying to protect her again? so, is that really my problem or somebody else?
the other of her problem is, she must be the best, that means, she must has everything better and more that the younger one. if I bought her two clothes, bought one for my daughter, she will not say anything, but if i bought two for my daughter, and one for her, then immediately complain to grandmother. she wear the clothes i bought one day before, then second day, she tell our friend's wife that i never bought for her, and she only apologize to me one time in these years for her fault, that is under the situation that we will not participant her school final report if she did not apologize.
she has been so problematic, i think i am generous enough to hold on to today, i still can not see the light.

[lanny8798]

our kids knew what is our boundary, but the bigger one always trying to play around. at the beginning when shen live with us, if she get a 'no' answer from one of us, then she will try the same request to the other one, many times, she won! then we have to catch her and let her know if either of us said no, it is our common final dicision, no more play. everytime, no mater older one or younger one request some issues which out of our boundary, i will say that i will discuss with isa and then let you know. especailly for the younger one, i let her know that even isa is your step father, but you should repect him and listen to him, his opnion is very important to all of your issues. (she does not has any problems with my husband before, now she has learn from older one to speak back instead of just listening to him when my husband point out her problems.) on the contrary, my husband many time make decision for older one without talk to me, surely she will not repect my role at home,
I can see the changes happened to my younger one in last 3 years, some bad habits start to come after the older one, that is why make me nervous and worried.

[EP]

A Sweet 16 birthday party as showing in MTV

Your problems need real help.

And now it is middle of the night, and only migraine is keeping me awake. I just quickly say: A Sweet 16 party is something on MTV, and Finland is not MTV. We don´t do sweet sixteen or sweet anything parties. So no need to worry about that.

[Pursuivant]

We don´t do sweet sixteen or sweet anything parties.

Olden days the big occasion was the confirmation party, these days more when you finish high school and get your white cap.

and Finland is not MTV

heavy metal and duudsons? (haven't seen MTV since it went off free cable)

[Bella]

Hi. I read about your situation, and I feel sad for you. It's not easy to deal with the children, especialy when they are not yours and they don't respect you, but is more difficult for a mum when the father doesn't help.
I my opinoin, first thing you really have to do is to take the father and have a long talk with him, and decide some rules for both of you about children, and then make some rules for the kids together, for all of them and try to respect the decisions you made, you and your husband.
He really doesn't care about his own daughter?
If she will get HIV or something else (I hope not), can he says then " Have you learned your lesson, my daughter?" to her. He doesn't suffer for her?
He must open his eyes before it'll be too late.

[raamv]

I would have to say that the advice given by Cory is a very appropriate one and as parents ( biological) or otherwise, we need to take the responsibility of our kids.

[lanny8798]

maybe some of the friends here does not understand why i want to control little bit of her outting with friend, because when she was playing the fake love letter to one girl, she was working together with 3 other girls, she visited their home nearly every weekend, i have reminded her father to check with whom she plays around and what they were chating on the computer all the time, he thought that there will not be any important issue, then I have to shut up, that is the only thing i can do most of the time, give advise, mostly he will not listen until something happened, then he learn and start to agree with me. it has happened so many times in so many things, i start to feel tired of this. if anyone think that the issue with her is not a problem to me, I can just tell the truth, it has been two times the situation pushing me to the limit and I was ready to gave up this marriage, cause i felt that might be the only way to release me from the trouble with her, first time I gave up my first baby with him because of the arguement about her and her mother, that is the most painful time for me because of the abortion that i have to choose. the other time we even have been notarize the divorce agreement in Finnish Embassy in China. i think i am strong and intellegent person, if I can get sufficient support from my husband, she may not be our headache, or if she has not been living with her mother from beginning, she might grow up differently.
anyway, life need to go on, i will try my best to work out of it, let's see.

[QUINCY]

i have reminded her father to check with whom she plays around and what they were chating on the computer all the time,

It's been 2 weeks since you first posted. What have you done about what you so clearly know needs to be done? Have you contacted the school psychologist and set up a meeting? Have you started setting rules in your house for all the kids? Have you told your husband that these are the rules?

It's clear that you understand what needs to be done so do it. You have 2 of your own girls. If your husband isn't taking responsibility then you have an obligation to your children to do it even if this means sacrificing your relationship with your husband. He's old enough and he knows better. The girls are still growing and developing and need a parent to help them grow and development into happy, healthy and well-adjusted adults who in turn will raise happy, healthy and well-adjusted adults. That is your responisiblity. It is all parents' responsibilities.

It really really sucks that many parents are putting their arms up in the air and saying, "well...I've tried. What else can I do?" There's plenty that can be done for the sake of the kids. Children learn what they are taught. They learn to act the way that they've learned from their parents. Their values are formed from their parents. If they were raised in a happy environment with clear and consistent boundaries and are taught that there are consequences for their actions then there would be far far fewer children needing emergency intervention/foster families.

This is clearly an issue that is a problem in many families. A report released early this week stated that 10% of all underage child are, or should be, based on need, living in foster families. That's 1 out of every 10 parents not taking their responsibility as parent seriously. How disgusting is that?

It's time that someone take a bold stand for the children.

Well said Cory , Unhealthy and irresponsible way of raising up underage children is fast becoming a menace to our society . A stitch in time saves nine.

[lanny8798]

finally i settle down the little one and have few minuts for my own.
thanks for everyone, especially cory.

i have a discussion with my husband and he promise to have a talk with her, but the result is not so promising, he suggested we just let her be for a while, and keep watching to see what will happen. then i have asked grandmother to talk to her about safe sex and boyfriend issue when there is a chance. we have been in finland for 2 months, her mother have not been calling her, so next time when she say i am not her mother, i will say at least i am take care of you everyday, but where is your real mother and what have your real mother do for you? situation pissed me off, but i am not her guardian, i can not do much if her father does not do. now i keep closer look to my daughter, chat more often so i knew what is happening at school, they are in same school, hopefully she can understand my worry and my concern. and i hate the MTV channel day and day show the progarm about 16 and pregant and she is so keen on it.

[Mölkky-Fan]

so next time when she say i am not her mother, i will say at least i am take care of you everyday, but where is your real mother and what have your real mother do for you?

Do not go there ... be tough, loving and patient. Do not forget that the girl has grown up without her real mother and you have to understand that it hurts her (and she is probably acting badly and unreasonably in response)...

Without trying to be cruel, you should not take it so personally... this is your husband's responsibility (if I understand correctly you are not a legal guardian or parent), and you seem to care so this is a great thing... and you and him arguing over this will not make things any better in the long term (in the short term it might please the girl if you are not getting along)... a stable and caring home is something which you can provide.

Have you thought about a few slightly different approaches (just brainstorming here out loud): instead of arguing about her staying out late then try and find a different way forward...

- what about instead of fixed 15:00 back home time, why not negotiate a time with her?
- or give her a reason to be back home?
- or base her pocket money on meeting the rules?
- or invite her friends to your home (my daughter has video and cookie nights with her friends) at 15:00
- discuss the timing with her... why does she want to be out so late compared to your time... maybe she looks stupid to her friends for having to leave so early.
- suggest to her a hobby, such as dancing lessons, sports, horse riding etc where she will have fun and at the same time you know that she is in a good environment
- base the back home time on past performance (if she is back on time, then next time she can stay out longer)

I know it is a cliche, but you can find a win-win somewhere and although I do not know the girl you should be able to find it with your husband.

I just noticed this was my post number 1000... I was hoping to reserve it for a cheerleader post

[lanny8798]

Have you thought about a few slightly different approaches (just brainstorming here out loud): instead of arguing about her staying out late then try and find a different way forward...

- what about instead of fixed 15:00 back home time, why not negotiate a time with her?
- or give her a reason to be back home?
- or base her pocket money on meeting the rules?
- or invite her friends to your home (my daughter has video and cookie nights with her friends) at 15:00
- discuss the timing with her... why does she want to be out so late compared to your time... maybe she looks stupid to her friends for having to leave so early.
- suggest to her a hobby, such as dancing lessons, sports, horse riding etc where she will have fun and at the same time you know that she is in a good environment
- base the back home time on past performance (if she is back on time, then next time she can stay out longer)

To fan,

if i can hold and handle the situation for 4 years, i dont think I have not try every possible way as you listed, 3 pm is what she agreed with her father, not with me, i even dont know she was out. i always discuss a time with her or at least suggest a time to her and she agrees. in china for her hobby, i have to pick her up after school once per week by taxi because she will miss the school bus, and i am working all the time, the traffic in shanghai is not like in Finland, the when we are home I need to cook for everyone. i paid more my attention and strength on her than on my bio-daughter. I knew what i can say what i can not, no matter how bad her mother has been behavor to us, some times i just think that i would like to speak out something to weak her up, let her to think by herself,( but i never did that, instead i always talk to her when she meet her mother, that behave good, try to help mother to take care of half-brother, do not ask your mother to buy stuff for you since we offer you everything, learn to say no when you dont need it, she has throw away many clothes which never been weared, but at that time when i ask her, she always want) how much her mother really loves her or care her. if her mother care her little bit more when she lived with her, she would not go so far away with all kinds of problems. she admit that she has much better life with us, more care, more fun and more stuff.
if her friends like what have happened, then i would like her to be away with them. it happened in 2010 new year's eve, one boy called our home phone, her father picked up, the boy said to her father´¨ get her to the phone, I want to @#$% her up, otherwise i will come out to kill you¨´ we ask who he is, he said he is her friend, just feel boring in the new year eve. if you were in the phone, what do you think?

yes, it is my husband's responsibility, but i have a younger girl who has been influde by her very much, that is a big reason why i am so concern about her issues. we are living in the same house everyday, if the big one can not set up a good example, she will lead the others to the wrong way, and it has happened.that is my biggest headache. one thing i admit that she has made some improvement in this 4 years, especailly study, that even her mother admits( heard from grandmother), otherwise i think i have divorced her father long time ago.

at the beginning, her father is very protected, even she was totally wrong, when she lies, he always try to find excuse for her, one side i can understand that her does not want his daughter feel bad with us, on the other hand, i have to let him know my point, it is easy to spoil a kid, i can also spoil her and ignore all her mistake and be her perfect step-mother, but where are our responsibility? what can we bring for her when she grow up? little by little, my husband see by her own eyes, day by day how i take care of her issue, now basically we do not have big agruement on judgement, we have difference on how to handle it. like he thinks kid at 14 may have sex, even it is early, i am totally against this idea, i simple can not accept it, that is why we agured and i am pissed off for his attitude.