sole custody

[help73]

help please
im an american who is married to a finn. we have 1 child under a year of age who was born in the US. our child has both american and finnish citizenship. i am a stay at home mother so im the main one taking care of our child. our child has spent most of his life in the US with me. we were having problems before the child was born and i left when i was 6 months pregnant. im back in finland with the child because i wanted to try to make things work. well, they arent working. i want to get sole custody and return to the US with my child. I know my husband will never agree to this. what are the chances of my getting sole custody and our being able to return to the US? we were married for over a decade when the child was born. there is no way i could support us in finland. id have to leave.

[rinso]

To deprive a parent from custody against his will is very difficult.
There must be a serious allegation that could affect the well being of the child.

But even with joined custody the mother often is appointed as the care taker of the child.
This could give you the possibility to go back with your child. But taken a child abroad without the consent of the other parent is always tricky.
Best to consult the US embassy and see what your legal position as an American is and what they can do for you.

But it might be necessary to get the divorce first.

[help73]

thank you for answering. i was hoping that it would be easier for me to leave if i remain married. once i file for divorce, i'll effectively be homeless. i have talked to the us embassy and theyve told me in no uncertain terms that they do not deal with domestic matters. so, im stuck. i know he wont agree to me taking our child out of the country especially if i've filed for divorce.

[rinso]

Then you have to talk to a layer. With the divorce, things like maintenance, custody and care taking are settled. Since you would not be able to remain in Finland a decision about where your child should live is also part of the deal.
The local social services can give you some advice for free and write a letter for you, but the experience is that they cannot deal with non standard situations. Get a professional.

You have to realize that your husband can also file for divorce at any moment. There is nothing you can do to stop that process. If you're not ready he can force your hand.

[Rosilla]

Im not in Finland, but I will say this.

-You will have to go to court for this matter or make an agreement with him and have lawyers there to witness and such
-You most likely will not get sole custody(must have serious allegations proven in court) but you are more then able to get a joint custody order
-with joint custody you can make it so you are able to get to live in The US, but you will have to work out in court access still, as long as the father wants access you can NOT deny him that
-even just to travel to the US I believe you will have to a letter authorizing your trip or move from the father(I have to get one if I am traveling)
-if you are thinking of leaving without notifying the father make sure you check with the airlines about traveling with an infant and only one parent they may tell you since you are still married you are allowed but Im quite sure you will need a letter from him authorizing the trip(I never marrried so I need one)
-consult a lawyer both there and the US about moving(before a divore and agreement) without the fathers consent, because I know in Canada the father can get sole custody if he says the mother left without him permission and took the child out of the Country
-alot of people do have joint custody living in different countrys, father to get most of the summer and alot of holidays because he does not have regular access
-because the child is so young she will have to have someone take her there(if he is not going to visit you in the US) so you may very easily have to pay for part of those payments and costs(make sure you cover this in you access agreement)
- it is common for the mother to have primary custody with the father having access, but that applys more if the mother is financially stable and will not have to rely on assistance when they are in there home country, so make sure you have a job lined up in the US and have a proper plan of what you will do there (where will you live? work? childcare?) all these things you might have to work out before you leave if you are able to im sure you wont have any issue moving, if you are not able to it could be a lot harder.

-I was always under the understanding that women with children are very well cared for in Finland? Im sure if you go to the Kela office they can advise you on what you are eligible for as far as assistance goes with a young child facing divorce, you may get a lawyer from then who can help with the details and the divorce

These are questions I am now facing thinking about moving to Finland from Canada with my 2 small children and one more on the way. So I thought they might apply to you also.

[rinso]

-I was always under the understanding that women with children are very well cared for in Finland?

You were wrongly informed.
A woman without other income can hardly live from social welfare and minimum child support from the father.

[help73]

i am now contacting lawyers. it has to mean something that i am the main care giver. even when my husband is home he either goes out to hockey games or just plays on the computer. he rarely helps change a diaper and never helps feed our child. he has even suggested that he would leave our child in the car alone if he had to run into a store quickly and didnt want to go through the hassle of taking the baby with him. im honestly afraid for my son's welfare if he is left alone with him. my husband only wants to be an active father when someone else is around to see. otherwise, it is almost as if our son doesn't exist. when we were supposed to start the baby on solids and he wouldn't eat them, my husband said that we should just not offer him any food until he eats the solids. im really afraid. i dont know how to prove any of this. but they aren't lies. my husband also has been banned for stalking an ex girlfriend in the US and has had to pay damages for assault. doesn't that help my case?

[rinso]

i am now contacting lawyers.

good, your situation is different from a standard divorce. you need a professional to help you.

[Flossy1978]

I am not allowed to go home to my home country with my son if I want to. I have papers from my ex, that if I were to file them, I'd get sole custody. He has signed papers saying so. But I can't do it to him. He is a good Dad to my son.

I wish you luck in whatever the outcome is (((hugs))).

Honestly, it's hard being here without support. I have friends and whatnot, but it's not the same as your home country, is it?

[Tiwaz]

i am now contacting lawyers. it has to mean something that i am the main care giver.

It does not. Parents have rights which other parents in their fit of anger during divorce cannot just ignore.

Your chances of getting sole custody against will of your husband are close to nil. You should get used to the idea sooner rather than later.

[help73]

this is not a fit of anger. he hardly participates in his upbringing or care. so why is expecting sole custody unreasonable?

[help73]

you're right it isn't.

thank you.

may i ask where you are from?

I am not allowed to go home to my home country with my son if I want to. I have papers from my ex, that if I were to file them, I'd get sole custody. He has signed papers saying so. But I can't do it to him. He is a good Dad to my son.

I wish you luck in whatever the outcome is (((hugs))).

Honestly, it's hard being here without support. I have friends and whatnot, but it's not the same as your home country, is it?

[Flossy1978]

I am Australian.

I've been here almost 11 years, so it's a bit different in my case. And my ex is a pretty good father most the time. And we don't fight, if I give in to him LOL.

I can't take my almost 6 year old from his Father, I would have no cause to and it would be purely selfish. He would also have the authorities onto me so quickly, take my son back and I'd never see him again. I think the Finnish Government doesn't like their children being taken out of the country without permission. So I heard.

I live in Klaukkala. I am at the moment in a confused state over whether I should move back to the Haaga area, where I use to live before moving here to Klaukkala when I was married. It's a really nice place to raise a child. But Mummi is in Haaga and we are really close and she wants us back there near her. I don't know what to do.

I have a job and friends and a life here. I guess for you it's an entirely different thing. Your son is so young, your ex can't use the 'he has an attachment' excuse for keeping him here. Your best bet is to try and come to some kind of agreement with your soon to be ex. Try to be reasonable with him and maybe, just mabye he might be reasonable with you. You never know. Stranger things have happened coming from selfish men.

I wish you all the luck, you can have things your way. If you can't, I hope you can live with how things will be. (((hugs))).

[help73]

my main problem is how neglectful he is. i'm afraid to leave my son alone with him because he barely pays attention to him and suggests leaving him in the car alone for a quick run into the store or leave him home alone while he goes off to run errands. those things seriously concern me. our place hasn't been baby proofed yet and he will just set the baby on the ground in the living room and go into the bedroom to play on the computer. he is unwilling to help with diaper changes or feedings or even take time from the computer to read a story to our child. that is what made me think that this is not working. at one point, he even said we should refuse to give our child food until he starts eating solids (he only wanted milk at the time). or feeding him expired baby food...there is a whole list of things like the ones i've mentioned. this isn't selfishness on my part, it is serious concen. i honestly can't believe that im just overreacting. aren't these serious issues? am i being unreasonable, really? not only is he, my son, young, but he's spent 6.5 months of his life in the US with me and since he's been in finland, my husband hardly spends time with him. i've spoken with him about it and he just says no and then ignores me.

[help73]

i feel like i'm going crazy because no one that i've talked to think that any of my concerns are valid. so, leaving an infant in a car alone is ok?