sole custody

[Flossy1978]

I think they are valid reasons (((hugs))). He is putting your son in danger.

You need to document everything you see. His behaviour towards his son, the off milk, anything he says or does to you. keep copies of your documentation and hide them somewhere. If you have a friend or family member you could send or email the information too, that would be good. Incase your husband finds it.

How long have you been living here? It can't be very long at all.

Sadly, I think even if you document, the court won't give you sole custody. But you could maybe get the right to make all the decisions! If you do, then you could take your son home. If there is no clause keeping your child here.

Just documbent everything which has gone on! And document everything you see which is happenng, when it does. If you keep a diary, it will help your cause I think.

What are you going to do if your husband fights with you and wins?

Personally, he sounds like a selfish jerk.

What about just leaving? Don't file anything. Just leave. Then you are still married and maybe nothing can be done? Take an extended holiday back home to America. I have a sister in England who was married and her husband took their child one day and then just didn't return her. The law said because they were still married, she couldn't do anything. She lost custody of her daughter to that man because of this. Not putting ideas into your head LOL. Don't know how things are here in this regard.

Unfortunately I think your ex has the upperhand, with this being his country. Go to a lawyer on the sly and get all the documentation and stuff done and then hand it to him if it is in your best interest. Leave while he's at work if you have to. He doesn't sound like a very nice person, so you do what you can behind his back before the !"#¤% hits the fan.

If you want, you can email me. I can't give any professional advice or anything, but I can be a shoulder for you Just send me a message through this board and I'll give you my email.

It sounds like you could use a friend (((hugs))).

[help73]

Thank you Flossy. I have actually lived in Finland for 12 years. I left when I was about 6 months pregnant and stayed in the US for 8 months.
I think documenting is a very good idea, but without any real proof, won't the courts just think it is a lie?
His fighting and winning is exactly what i'm afraid of. I have to act like everything is normal. I am terrified.
I should have just stayed in the US.
How long ago did your sister's husband do this?
Now there are spousal abduction laws. I cannot leave the country with my son without his permission. if I do, I can be charged with kidnapping and they could take my son away from me and give him to my husband. I did have that thought, but wanted to check to be sure.
I was preparing to leave my husband when I found out I was pregnant. When I started having complications in the pregnancy, his behavior towards me worsened. Then after my son was born and he visited the US a few times, I thought that maybe we could work things out. Unfortunately, he was on his best behavior then because as soon as we were in Finland, everything returned to they way it was.
Yes, I would like a friend. I'll send you a message right now.

[rinso]

leaving an infant in a car alone is ok?

It is (was) custom in Finland to let babies sleep outside in winter, even at freezing temperatures.
A short stay alone in a car might not impress a judge as endangering the child.

I think documenting is a very good idea, but without any real proof, won't the courts just think it is a lie?

It is good to document, but I think the things you mentioned will not convince a judge to grant you sole custody.

I cannot leave the country with my son without his permission.

That is true, but if you do manage to get back to the states, the authorities there are not prepared to sent you or your son back. Your husband should have a long (and expensive) court battle to get any results. The way you describe his behaviour, it looks like he is harassing you, not really trying to keep the child.

[help73]

Cory -
I speak Finnish. I will look up women's shelters as soon as I finish typing my response.

I will try making recordings with my phone and will document everything. As far as witnesses, around family, he acts like the perfect father. He did get angry with me a few times when we were in public and push me while I was holding the baby. But, i'm not sure anyone saw. On one occasion that I remember, he was upset that I insisted on changing my son's poopy diaper instead of letting him sit in it while he went to look at dvds. He was angry that I wouldn't just stand there with him while he looked for something to buy.

I already know it would go against me. I would be charged with kidnapping and my son would be taken away.

I haven't spoken with a therapist, but I have mentioned going to see one with my husband. He says that I am the one that is causing all of the problems and then tells me to f off.

Part of the reason I decided to come back to Finland with my son was because I did want him to have a relationship with his father and his extended family, but the things that have been happening are frightening to me. Yes, I was planning to leave him because of his behavior before I got pregnant. I honestly believed that being a father would change him for the better. It didn't.

He has been helping his sister take care of her children since he was 20 years old. He has been involved with taking care of babies and has friends who have children. I think he likes the idea that he is a father. But, wants none of the responsibility that comes along with it.

Thank you, I am going to try to find a therapist and i've already found a lawyer.

[help73]

It is (was) custom in Finland to let babies sleep outside in winter, even at freezing temperatures.A short stay alone in a car might not impress a judge as endangering the child.

I do know this is a custom in nordic countries. At least in the US, leaving a child alone in a car, especially an infant, can result in DFS putting the child into protective custody.

It is good to document, but I think the things you mentioned will not convince a judge to grant you sole custody.

That is what concerns me. In the US, all of these things combined would, I think, be enough that a judge would at least consider allowing him only supervised visitation.

That is true, but if you do manage to get back to the states, the authorities there are not prepared to sent you or your son back. Your husband should have a long (and expensive) court battle to get any results. The way you describe his behaviour, it looks like he is harassing you, not really trying to keep the child.

Unfortunately, I was told that I could be charged with unlawful detention if I go to the US with my son with permission and then refuse to leave. Honestly, I think that I have to agree with you. He knows that he has me over a barrel.

[rinso]

I was told that I could be charged with unlawful detention if I go to the US with my son with permission and then refuse to leave.

I know of a slightly similar case where the father took his child (US citizen) to the US and refused to return.
And although the mother was the primary care giver (acknowledged by a US judge), there was no enforcement to return the child.
There are risks involved, but it might become an option if you otherwise have to leave the child in the fathers care.

[Tiwaz]

this is not a fit of anger. he hardly participates in his upbringing or care. so why is expecting sole custody unreasonable?

Because he is father.

This might be hard for women to grasp, but men have rights too. We have right to have say in everything which goes on with our children. Your desire to just deny this right, specially when we take into account that all we would have is your word agains his, is truly troubling.

Try to see it from different perspective. What would YOU feel like if father of your child went to court with claims of you being unfit mother based on essentially unfounded allegations?

Furthermore, how would you feel if he would WIN? That in USA with such flimsy evidence father would be denied very basic right speaks volumes of failure of US "justice". Along with failure to immediately return kidnapped children.

Makes me rather wish we had done the same with that Campoy bitch.


Sole custory is something which is, and should be, only granted in the most serious of cases. Because else every woman unhappy with their marriage would be rushing to use it as a weapon against their husband. Your husband might not care, I would bloody well care. And reality is that your husband is not only one who has to face this situation.

[abcdefg]

I am a man in Finland facing the same situation. Are you ready to spend the next 16 or more years in Finland? If u really want to move back to the states just pack up take ur child and leave. just be sure they dont stop u at the airport, once home file for divorce and custody there then technically i dont think it will be kidnap. Its only kidnap once the custody contracts are made.( i am not a professional but thats what i would do if i wanted to leave finland).