Advise/legal rights (changing of living circumstances)

[S&M]

Hi,
would be happy to hear your comments or advise IF you have been or are in a similar situation as follows:- seperated parents, one child
- child has is living with her mother (single custody)
- parents do not have fixed, legal visitation agreement, however agree on weekly basis when the child is with the mother / father

However, now the situation changes in a way that the father has been in a new releationship for some time and will move together with the new partner & her children to a place about 50 kmn from the mother&childs home.
I believe that my child should spend time with her father, who is important for her, and I have supported them doing so. Nevertheless, am not too interested in my child spending all the time she has with her father plus with his new partner&children. As their living situation is changing now, it basically indicated that every time that my child is with her father, she will automatically be with the rest of the family also. Should also say that her father is interested in spending time with her and I do not believe that him or his partner are 'bad' people. Though on the other hand, our communication is bad and consists of few minutes when he picks up or bring back our child. In other words, when my child is not with me, I get no information at all of where is my child is / with whom / who the new partner is etc.

It is difficult for me that her father does not communicate to me about important changes in his life that have an affect on my child. Changes that concern himself only, I am not interested to know as we do have our seperated lifes and that is good the way it is.

Lately my child is the one telling me e.g. that her father has a girlfriend or that they have bought a home to live together.
The father is not at all eager or willing to tell me anything (and I should say that I am glad for him being in a new relationship etc., but not for my child to be part of this) and thus this situation is creating worries. Example that we both are working full time and I am wondering how I would be manage to handle taking care of my daugther much more alone (taking&taking her to daycare etc), when the father is living further away and may also have new responsibilities as his partner has several children.

If this situation sounds familiar to you, would appreciate to hear how you deal with the above emotionally.

Secondly, does one have any legal right of some sort to state in which circumstances the child may be with the father (i.e. that they can spend time together by themselfs / or that his new partner can not take care of the child by herself, without the childs father being present).

I have single custody for the child, however up to now have included the father in the childs life (they see each other several times a week, going to meeting in kindergarden together). Nevertheless as the overall situation will change, am not ok with keeping this arrangement.

Or another example, it was planned that that my child will spend several weeks in summer with her father. Also here, I have not received any information as to with whom/where, they will spend their holiday and how often in these weeks my child will come home. Do I have the right to know these things or am I in the position to having to 'approve' first? It would be very frustrating and hard to not know at all what my child is up to or where she is etc. The father simply says that 'she is doing well and happy', but it feels surely too little information for me as a mother to know.

At this moment my mind is occupied with the above questions often and I hope to find a solution for it. In the best interest for my child any myself and our overall wellbeing.

Furthermore, if one makes a legal agreement of fathers visitation rights, is there a minimum amount of days per month that the child has a right to be with her father (alone)? And if this agreement is made, is it a must to agree that the child will example spend christmas holidays in turn with the parents?

If you wish, you can also send a personal message back instead of posting publicly here, which I may prefer also. I would appreciate to learn more about how you have handled the above and make up my mind how I can best deal with the above situation. Thank you!

[rinso]

I have single custody for the child

This is the key issue. Are you sure it is single custody, not primary care giver? Is it official or an agreement between you two?
(to exclude the father officially from custody, he must have been rather bad towards the child)

As long as he is not officially excluded, he has rights.
Changing his living situation doesn't change his rights.
A new partner (and family) can and may be included in the child's life, also if the father is not present.
50 km distance is not a real issue. For small children it might be good to change the frequency and duration of the stays. But you cannot use it to reduce the fathers rights.

On the other hand, if he is excluded from custody, you can decide what to do. But I think in that case it is all or nothing. I don't think you can dictate how to run his life when the child is visiting him.

If you allowed the child to visit him on a regular bases, it might very well be that he can use it to claim rights by custom.
(first exclude him officially and then ignore that decision isn't a smart thing to do)

So my conclusion:
- If he is a bad father, you shouldn't have given him access to the child.
- If he is not a bad father, you're over reacting.

[onkko]

Question is can you afford that your children hates you?
I speak by personal knowledge.