What to do?Nanny with a problematic child

Camilee · Post by **Camilee** » Thu Sep 13, 2012 7:08 pm

I´ve been working as a nanny in Finland for almost 7 years already, and also, I have previous experience with children in my native country. I genuinely like my job, but lately, this situation is just getting worse and worse and I really don´t know what to do.
I take care of 2 boys (age almost 2 years and almost 3 years). Let´s call the one that is almost 3 Ville. I´ve been with Ville for more than one year already with another "hoitokaveri". From the very beginning I noticed that he is very active, energetic and he likes to tease kids in the park. He was the only child but now that he has a newborn sister, things are getting really violent, especially towards me (also I had one month holiday in btw). He has his routine of scratching, hitting, slapping and kicking me every single day in any situation, and he also attacks the other kid every now and then,as well as the kids in the park. Normal things get difficult because I cannot even dress him to go out. Nothing works: if I say that he shouldn´t do it because it´s bad, it hurts,etc, he refuses to listen to me, laughs at me face and he does it even more. Same if I ignore him, and I can´t talk with him at all. He did a few times very bad things in the park, like throwing very big toys to other kids´heads. I´m very scared that maybe someday he really hurts some kid in the park or the hoitokaveri. It´s not nice to suffer it, too. I´m pshycologically exhausted, frustated and even depressed, because I tried everything that I could ( I take it really seriously, because I feel that I´m an important part of his education) and we can´t go to the everyday activities without any moment of conflict. There is the extreme situation that I can´t even go to the toilet or warm the food, because last time I did, I found Ville scratching the face of the other kid that even had blood in his face.
The parents know it and Ville´s parents say that he doesn´t behave like this at home-at all. We tried to motivate him with stickers (he puts stickers during the day if he behaves, and at the end of the week he gets some gift or dessert) but it doesn´t work, he doesn´t care.
Any suggestions or advices?

**Sponsor:**

rinso · Post by **rinso** » Thu Sep 13, 2012 7:17 pm

The parents know it and Ville´s parents say that he doesn´t behave like this at home-at all.

That is the first step to put the blame on you if something goes wrong.

You doesn't seem to have authority over him and he is using that to have it his way.
If the parents are not taking you serious and supporting you, you better start looking for another job.

Camilee · Post by **Camilee** » Thu Sep 13, 2012 8:54 pm

Thank you for your words and advices, but I´ve already done that and it doesn´t work. When I try to sit him, calm him, saying what he did wrong, explaining what he is there, etc, he just doesn´t listen AT ALL, laughs at my face, tries to hit me, scratch me, kick me, and it´s IMPOSSIBLE to have him in a place for more than 5 seconds. Sometimes, I put him in the stroller to talk to him but same story. Believe me that I have lots of patience, but it just doesn´t work. Looks like his everyday routine implies to do all these things.

Also, it´s not that every time he does something wrong he has my attention, for example, sometimes I tried to ignore him when he scratches me- he does it anyway, and I end up having scratches with blood around my arms... there is no solution, he does it anyway.

Rip · Post by **Rip** » Thu Sep 13, 2012 11:12 pm

Camilee wrote:and it´s IMPOSSIBLE to have him in a place for more than 5 seconds.

No it is not. He is three. You're an adult.

Camilee · Post by **Camilee** » Fri Sep 14, 2012 7:31 am

I already read what you wrote. Believe me all, it doesn´t work. You are not there with me to see it. He is not hitting me because I am in his face and blabbering. He does it as a routime. If I have to put him in the potty, or change him, or say that it´s time to eat, in a normal way, what am I doing wrong? Yes, I walked away, he follows me and here we go again, hitting and etc.

Rip · Post by **Rip** » Fri Sep 14, 2012 7:44 am

Camilee wrote: Yes, I walked away, he follows me

Then you see that he goes back, immediately, physically forcing him if necessary.

hitting and etc.

A three year old hits you twice in a row only if you let him. If words have stopped having effect, holding the arms still do have one.

Camilee · Post by **Camilee** » Fri Sep 14, 2012 7:53 am

Yes, I can hold his arms, but I cannot stop him if I´m dressing him (how you hold his arms when you are trying simply to put a jacket?) or when he is trying to scratch the other kid´s face while I´m dressing the other kid. It´s just frustating, I´m tired to stop him. I´m pschycologically exhausted and yesterday after my schedule I almost had a nervous breakdown.

AnnikaL · Post by **AnnikaL** » Fri Sep 14, 2012 3:29 pm

Children can be difficult to handle and unpredictable. When they aren't even your child then you have the parents to contend with too. So, you have my sympathies.

You sound very stressed! I'm not surprised.

I think if you can, you need a break to regroup, have a think and come back with some new ideas on how to tackle this behaviour. Trying *anything* while you're so stressed will backfire, kids pick up on these sorts of things even at a young age.

Just be reassured that your problems sound pretty normal.

The time-outs Cory suggests are usually pretty good. They don't work for EVERY child, but until you've tried really consistently to enforce them you don't really know or not whether he will respond to that.

Something else to consider is to teach him better ways to deal with anger and frustration and get rid of excess energy, does he enjoy running? Kicking a ball? Distract him with things he likes. Punishment isn't always the way with kids, it rreally does depend on each kid what works and noone here can really advise as we've never seen him.

CH · Post by CH » Fri Sep 14, 2012 9:20 pm

I would guess there is something else going on with Ville than just diciplinary issues. Especially if it has become worse with a little sister at home. It might be that he is "just" acting out whatever is bothering him, or that he has some other type of special need issues.

You might try time ins instead of time outs. If he is acting out he needs to stay with you, or you sit somewhere with him. Give him lots of attention when he is behaving properly. When he hurts the other child, give the attention to the hurt child instead.

LaurenHelsinki · Post by **LaurenHelsinki** » Fri Sep 14, 2012 9:58 pm

I don't have any other suggestions besides the ones already mentioned, especially getting his parents on board, but I am also a nanny so I just wanted to tell you good luck and if you ever need to go out for a drink after work, let me know!

catwoman · Post by **catwoman** » Tue Sep 18, 2012 6:43 pm

I can also say, that you need to be consequent. I am a nanny too, and i was also going through something similar. It lasted quite a long time, but eventually it ended. Though parents knew what was going on, and i indeed had their support. There was no denial from their side, and am quite sure the parents of 'your' kid also perfectly know the situation, they just don't want to admit it. A question though- have you ever been dealing with him when the parents are at home? If so, how does he behave then?
Also, what we were doing with the parents is the time outs, mentioned already before. It does take time, long time sometimes, until the kid realises how it works, but this moment eventually comes. The point is - you dont talk to much while putting him in there, because most likely he anyway will get maybe half of what ur saying, even if it is 10 words. There are huge emotions involved, hence this outcome. Anyway, try, as said before, to avoid places with kids for some time. he needs to indeed learn, that he can be a part of the group only when he behaves. Otherwise he plays alone.

mita · Post by **mita** » Tue Sep 18, 2012 7:50 pm

The child could likely have a behavior challenge like adhd or something similar. Eliminating all or most sugar in his diet might help. Otherwise the parents might want to consult professional help from the neuvola. It's a bit early to know as he's only 3 years old.

Camilee · Post by **Camilee** » Wed Sep 19, 2012 6:05 pm

Thank you for all your replies, suggestions, advices...It was nice to have different opinions and experiences.

About that he doesn´t behave like this at home, I already know it´s not completely true. Maybe he doesn´t have this naughty behaviour constantly, but he does things. I´ve seen him scratching his mother (never his father) and two days ago he scratched his sister´s face in front of his mother and me.

I´m trying time-ins every day, as it´s impossible to have time-outs, because he doesn´t sit for more than 1min and it´s even difficult to put him to eat, so I sit with him and hold him. I just say simply why he is there and that he has to sit there because of this. He still tries to kick me, scratch me, bite me, etc, but every day those moments are less and less frequent. I see some progress here. I talked with the parents saying the plan and they do the same.

He actually doesn´t eat a lot of sugar, because he likes sweet stuff so much and the parents don´t want to give him very often, but I´ve noticed that he is "sugar high" even with a small amount of sugar that comes from food.

Anyway, more suggestions or opinions are welcome, and thanks again.

Flossy1978 · Post by **Flossy1978** » Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:17 am

He is only three, but for your sake of mind, you could contact the social services and ask help from them FOR YOU!

The child's behaviour is out of control and yes, it's tiresome and will wear even the best of carer or parent.

My child was doing similar behaviour. He didn't hit or throw toys at other children, but he did beat me up etc. All the things you wrote.

I was just so tired, I couldn't handle it anymore and I went and asked for help from the social services. No, my child wasn't taken from me and they didn't treat me like I was a bad parent. They just evaluated the situation, the child and tried to find out what was going wrong and helped me with how to deal with the way my child was acting.

Usually a child who is behaving as your charge is, is down to not being able to express themselves and not having a strong enough figure to set boundaries and to feel safe with. I am not saying you are doing anything wrong, but one of the reasons my child was misbehaving so badly was because he didn't feel safe.

Goodluck!

Flossy1978 · Post by **Flossy1978** » Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:19 am

And I forgot, what the other poster said. It can also be down to the huge changes in his little life. This was a problem with my child. Even at the age he is now, he needs constant routines with as little disruption as possible.

Finland Forum

Find information about moving to, living in and life in Finland