Divorce settlements

Orangekat · Post by **Orangekat** » Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:11 pm

Hi, everybody. I am an Asian woman married to a Finnish man. We are currently separated and it will highly likely to end in a divorce. We were in a long-distance relationship between Asia and Finland for 7 years prior to getting married. We have been married only for 1 year, and living together for mere 3 months. I moved to Finland last November and received my type A residence permit in the beginning of February and Kela card only last week. I was starting to establish a life here in Finland, and he went abroad for business for a month in February and said he met somebody there who fulfilled his emotional needs better than I and he can no longer envision his future with me.

He told me about this two weeks ago while he was still abroad, and once he came back to Finland a week ago, he moved out and I am staying in the apartment he owns. Admittedly we were having some problems once we started living together, but I thought that was part of the usual adjustments every couple goes through once cohabitation starts, especially since I needed time to adapt to the new country. Though I admit I am still emotional and it may be too soon to make a final decision, I am pessimistic about restoring the marriage given how he must go back to that country for work many times in the future, and the trust and faith between us have been shattered. I made an appointment with an individual counseling at Väestöliito, but it will not be for a few days and I am going nuts alone in the apartment. I have no friends in Finland and feel very isolated. Forgive me for going on and on, but this is the background.

My questions are:
1. where can I go to get a free legal advice on divorce in English?
2. where can I look for emotional support other than Väestöliito, preferably inexpensive/free? (Counseling at Väestöliito is 90 euro for 45 minutes for individuals.) Any support group?

He says that once we file for divorce and I decide to go back to my country, he will pay for the airfare (it has to be the cheapest there is, he says) and moving expenses (boxes and shipping). I mentioned compensation for emotional damage from his "infidelity" (he claims it was platonic and just with hand-holding) especially considering how I moved here only a few months ago, but he says the moving cost is the compensation and nothing more. We have a prenup and what we owned prior to the marriage is excluded from the assets in case of divorce, and that is perfectly fine with me. I am not trying to make a profit out of the divorce, but I feel I'm at disadvantage since I do not know the Finnish law or speak the language. I tried to look up in this forum free legal advice, but I was not sure exactly where to go to. I am unemployed and my husband continues to take care of me financially for daily expenses like food, but he will not pay for counseling or attorney fee.

Your help will be much appreciated. Thank you.
sadkat

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Orangekat · Post by **Orangekat** » Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:45 pm

I forgot to mention that I live in Espoo. It's easy for me to get to Kamppi, so something in Helsinki would be good, too.

Rip · Post by **Rip** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 7:16 am

Orangekat wrote: I mentioned compensation for emotional damage from his "infidelity"

I don't think you can get that. You can try the local legal aid (Oikeusapu) office (to see if some other form of compensation would available; don't expect much). What they charge for their services depends on your financial situation (and I don't know how they would classify your financial situation)
http://www.oikeus.fi/20631.htm
http://www.oikeus.fi/8852.htm

Orangekat · Post by **Orangekat** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 9:03 am

Dear Rip,

Thank you very much for your response and giving me the useful links. I called the legal aid near where I live and made an appointment to seek counsel.

I am just overwhelmed with this completely unexpected change in my life and your help is very much appreciated.

rinso · Post by **rinso** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 9:43 am

In your situation I don't think you need a lawyer.
When you sign the divorce papers things go more or less automatic.
(there is no change for you to claim any kind of damage)
And with the prenup there is no discussion about the material stuff.

He says that once we file for divorce and I decide to go back to my country, he will pay for the airfare (it has to be the cheapest there is, he says) and moving expenses (boxes and shipping).

Take his offer and be glad with it. He is not obliged to do it.

As Cory said you have not established a life here yet. When you go back you can get your life back on track much easier than staying here.

Orangekat · Post by **Orangekat** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 9:59 am

Dear Cory and rinso,

Thank you for your responses.

Yes, one way to look at it is that it is good that all this happened before I established a base in Finland. It may have been worse if this happened when my base was there, but still unstable to be on my own. But emotionally, it is so mind-boggling to have to switch my thinking from wanting and expecting to establish a foundation here to reestablishing my life in the home country, which will not be an easy ride considering I am middle-aged and jobless. But I will have to do what I have to do. Hopefully I will come out of all this mess a stronger person. It hurts so much though I feel sick in the stomach all the time.

My soon-to-be-ex and I signed the divorce application yesterday. I am not as sure about the divorce as he is, obviously, but I see intellectually that I should not stay with somebody who takes such narcissistic actions.

Where I come from, there is such a thing as compensation for emotional damage from infidelity that can be demanded of the betraying spouse as well as the lover. Infidelity is not a punishable crime, but compensation payment is not an uncommon way of resolving the issue. But it seems that is not the case in Finland. It is this sort of information I wanted to know, so thanks.

Now I have to figure out where I can get sturdy boxes. I don't have a car, so that is an inconvenience. My husband said he would help, but he is out of town for work again. Where does one buy cardboard boxes anyway? Do people get them for free from supermarkets, for example?

Rip · Post by **Rip** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 12:19 pm

Orangekat wrote:Where does one buy cardboard boxes anyway? Do people get them for free from supermarkets, for example?

Hardware stores or similar. K-rauta, S-rauta, Bauhaus, Ikea, Clas Ohlson...
(I don't know if some brand is worth recommending or to advise to avoid)
http://www.ikea.com/fi/fi/catalog/products/60047151/
http://www.clasohlson.com/fi/Muuttolaatikko/Pr314646000
http://www.biltema.fi/fi/Koti/Sailyttam ... kko-28420/
http://www.verkkokauppa.com/fi/product/ ... ikko-1-kpl

Orangekat · Post by **Orangekat** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 4:08 pm

Dear Rip,

Thank you again for the helpful links.

I am writing this just for reference in case somebody needs similar information as I do.

For counseling, I found a number for "SOS center: crisis services for foreigners" and called them to see what they offer.
http://www.infopankki.fi/en-GB/Crises/
They have a short-term counseling, up to 5 times, for free.

The lady who answered the phone had their English-speaking counselor call me back, and we talked for 15 minutes or so. It was good to talk to somebody who listens. For actual counseling, I think you make an appointment. In my case, she told me to go ahead with the counseling at Väestöliito first and see.

As for the boxes for moving, I tried the nearby supermarkets, but they said most things come in plastic boxes nowadays and the only boxes they had were not suitable for shipping. I better try the hardware stores.

Thanks all for your responses. I am very grateful.

Hämeen Hitain · Post by **Hämeen Hitain** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 7:45 pm

The best source for free and sturdy cardboard boxes is Alko. Lots of their bottles still comes in cardboard boxes.

Orangekat · Post by **Orangekat** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 11:13 pm

Dear Hämeen Hitain,

Thank you for the tip. I will check with the nearest Alco.

tampere_gal · Post by **tampere_gal** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:59 pm

Don't forget to do a happy dance and thank the heavens every day that you did not have a child with this man and that you are free to leave this country. Imagine if he would have pulled this trick one year from now after you might have given birth to a child, and then you and the baby would be obliged to stay here forever, regardless of the quality of life you would be able to make for yourself here in Finland without any support network, any job, any family around you, or even being able to speak the language.
I know being jilted and dumped is a horrible feeling, but nothing compared to the fallout of what could have been your life if there had been a child involved. Seriously, happy dance for you. Be thankful.

As you get on that plane and leave Finland forever remember that there are foreign women here in Finland who would nearly kill for that freedom, but will never have it. Enjoy it for all of us!!!!!!

Orangekat · Post by **Orangekat** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 3:11 pm

Dear tampere_gal,

I feel so much pain and agony from your post. I am sorry for the situation you seem to be in. You are right, I am in a fortunate position where all I have to worry about is myself. I am grateful that my soon-to-be-ex was at least honest about all this, so I did not have to waste any more time in this marriage. I have my health and I will bounce back although it's hard at this stage to maintain a positive attitude. But I know time will heal the pain.
I wish you all the best. Be kind to yourself.

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