Divorce, small children and being a single parent.

[Starfishy]

Hi.
I've looked everywhere and runfortunately many places trying to find an answer to my question without much luck so I thought I'd post here.

Husband put in divorce papers and well I guess I don't need to go into that story, but I am a recent graduate (nurse) - I have 2 kids. One is 2 years old and the youngest 5 months old...which was born shortly after my graduation. My husband is a student and works now and then.

Due to my son being so young I haven't got a job and because I'm a recent graduate without much experience it might take a while to find one. We live in student housing so I have to move out and the children will live with me. In 2 months time we have the appointment to sort out child maintenance etc (more to find out how much my husband should pay. ..so far things have been cooperative between us). When the divorce is final my youngest will only just be a year old.

Due to several reasons it would be good to move out before the divorce is final. But...how can I support my kids when my husband is a skint student and I don't have a job? Have any single parents been in this situation? I don't wanna be a benefit scrounge, but my child is too young to go to day care. Also being a newly qualified nurse the likelihood is that I will only find temporary jobs to start with until I get experience so I might be unemployed for some months inbetween.

I guess I'm asking if anyone has been unemployed and a single parent to such young children and how did you manage? And if I move out will I be able to provide for my family without a job until I can find one ? (Don't get me wrong...I WANT to have a job. .but I also don't want to stick my child into a 3 shift day care which I feel will do more damage than good at such a young age. Closer to a year old is a better age to go to day care ). I'm so stressed and have two young children to look after and have to find a place to live without income .

Helpful comments please.

[Starfishy]

Hang in there!
How is it that you are shoudering all the responsibilities? He is a student but that doesn't take away from the fact that he is the Dad. Get yourselves down to the Social Office and make an application for support now. Take the ex with you. He needs to be involved and must understand the difficulties that you BOTH are in with regards to having enough funds to support the chidren. He's filed but he's filed for divorce from you NOT from his role as parent.
I divorced but my son was 6 and I had a job. I was very grateful for that.

We are going to the lastenvalvoja place mainly to sort out how much he will have to pay support and I'm sure Kela will have to make up the difference in what he can't pay. Other than that he can't really pay anything as he doesn't make more than 900 euros or something a month due to being a full time student. Things are workable. .I. e we aren't at war over the children and possessions etc and we want it to go smoothly as possible (even though he is a right jerk I'd still rather not divorce and work on things ) but the big issue is...Can't get any kela support etc until I move out. ...but if I move out I won't get any support until I've moved out and applied. ..and even though I've been to the kela office still no one has given me a definite estimate about how much it will be..which makes it hard to find a place to live when I don't know what my budget it. I also can't leave the country for better job prospects and living because we will be joint guardians. So I'm stuck here and somehow need to make sure my kids get by .

[betelgeuse]

Can't get any kela support etc until I move out. ...but if I move out I won't get any support until I've moved out and applied. ..and even though I've been to the kela office still no one has given me a definite estimate about how much it will be..which makes it hard to find a place to live when I don't know what my budget it. I also can't leave the country for better job prospects and living because we will be joint guardians. So I'm stuck here and somehow need to make sure my kids get by .

In capital region income support is housing costs + 534,05 euros in your case.

http://www.helsinginseutu.fi/hki/HS/Sel ... entulotuki

[leisl]

That social office (Sossu) can also cover a rental deposit. They do this with a promise note to the landlord. Go and see them. Explain that Kela will not yet pay asumistuki (housing support) until you move. This is normal. Sossu is used to this. They will understand.

Generally you have a meeting with them. Take bank statements and any other financial things you can get. Sossu then make sure you have minimum income. They will tell you: go and look for an apartment costing up to X euro per month. You find a place and sign a lease. (Don't tell the landlord that Sossu will be assisting, as it is none of his business.) You take the lease to Sossu, fill in the forms. They pay the first months' rent to you and the deposit is covered with their letter to the landlord. You then apply to Kela for the housing benefit, showing them the lease. They will pay a chunk of your rent each month (not all) and you'll also be eligible for the usual money that a sole parent is entitled to from Kela, and the kid money, so you apply for all those too.

Keep going back to Sossu and asking if there is top up money you can apply for, each month. Don't be too proud. It's not about you. It is about the kids. It is not a handout. And you are not a benefit scrounge. It is your entitlement because social support belongs to everyone.

And you might baulk, but if you want information about the free food, ask. You would be amazed at what they give and whom they give it to. There are certainly less-needy people in that line and taking the food every few days. If they can take it, you certainly can. Or, make the husband go and line up while you stay with the children, if he can't contribute cash to you, he can give a few hours of his time and his strong carrying arms.

[leisl]

Oh. And where do you live. When the weather warms up, many Helsinki play parks have free hot lunches for children on weekdays. You should take that walk each day for it. Even if there are none in your area, just get outside when you can. Get the children into the air. And yourself out of the house. Talk to people. Remember how it was to be an adult before children. It can be lonely otherwise.

[betelgeuse]

Generally you have a meeting with them. Take bank statements and any other financial things you can get. Sossu then make sure you have minimum income. They will tell you: go and look for an apartment costing up to X euro per month. You find a place and sign a lease. (Don't tell the landlord that Sossu will be assisting, as it is none of his business.) You take the lease to Sossu, fill in the forms. They pay the first months' rent to you and the deposit is covered with their letter to the landlord.

Standard leases are written with a monetary deposit. Sossu will have to be disclosed so it can be taken into account in the lease. Sossu does not do monetary deposits, only guarantees.

[leisl]

Standard leases are written with a monetary deposit. Sossu will have to be disclosed so it can be taken into account in the lease. Sossu does not do monetary deposits, only guarantees.

This might be the way it should be done. I don't know. I do know that they are not telling tenants to make any special arrangements with landlords to let them know beforehand. Just "go and find a place and sign a lease" type instruction. I witnessed one done four weeks ago. The agent was not told in advance, the tenant signed it with the money amount listed as the deposit, then took the lease to Sossu exactly as I described. Ofc they knew once Sossu sent them the promise letter, but they never complained or changed the lease or even mentioned it to the tenant. Since Sossu approved it all in the last week of December, it would have been very difficult for them to find another tenant by the 1st of January if they were not happy with how the lease was done.

If you tell the landlord up front that Sossu are involved, I bet there is a 99% chance the landlord will not rent to you. Obviously it looks like you can't afford to rent. You will not look like a good choice. Better to win their confidence first, be the chosen tenant. If you were the best tenant, and they like you, then finding out Sossu are helping might not bother them too much. OP will be up against working couples with no kids, when it comes to renting a kaksio. And working couples are popular for a landlord

Related: go to viewings without the children in tow. Dress corporate. Look like a businesswoman who has all her $%#& together.

[Starfishy]

Thanks everyone for the replies and advice! Because of the exact reason that a sossu client, or a jobless (for now ) mum of 2 doesn't look like a good tenant I have saved enough money that I could pay a deposit myself. ..but that is my last option. My first option is to apply for city housing as they seem more catered to these situations and no deposit is needed. The only downside is that I don't get to choose my exact place to live. But beggars can't be choosers, and when I'm on my feet I can have the financial freedom to move where I'd like.

Does anyone know the exact name of the social services department to contact ? My dealings in the past with sossu have always been difficult because it's so hard to find the right people to contact.


But for now the plan is to live with my husband as long as can be and save money I get from maternity money etc and search for jobs. Ideally I'd like to move out before the divorce. ..then when my youngest is a year old to start work. That way my children don't have to deal with new place to live, dad not living with them, mum gone to work, in day care etc. All at the same time. Yes it's not an ideal world, but if I could do that for my children and ease them into the change and not all at the same time, I think it would be a lot easier on them. My oldest will find her dad not being there often the hardest and my youngest will find the day care the hardest. .that I know from sure!

[Rip]

If you tell the landlord up front that Sossu are involved, I bet there is a 99% chance the landlord will not rent to you. Obviously it looks like you can't afford to rent. You will not look like a good choice. Better to win their confidence first, be the chosen tenant.

That may be rather hard without a job. Anyway, she'll need to see the "sossu" and better to follow the instructions from there. Some landlords will not want to have anything to do with them, others are perfectly happy with them as safe player.

[Rip]

I'd add that I think all the replies have been made under the assumption that the OP has a permanent (either formally or in practice) a permanent residency/permit here.

[betelgeuse]

This might be the way it should be done. I don't know. I do know that they are not telling tenants to make any special arrangements with landlords to let them know beforehand. Just "go and find a place and sign a lease" type instruction. I witnessed one done four weeks ago. The agent was not told in advance, the tenant signed it with the money amount listed as the deposit, then took the lease to Sossu exactly as I described. Ofc they knew once Sossu sent them the promise letter, but they never complained or changed the lease or even mentioned it to the tenant. Since Sossu approved it all in the last week of December, it would have been very difficult for them to find another tenant by the 1st of January if they were not happy with how the lease was done.

This can work in practice but a tenant needs to be aware that the landlord can just rescind the lease if the deposit is not monetary (= does not match the lease).

[ajdias]

Not sure if it was mentioned already, but if you were to apply to city housing, you'd probably get to top of the line. Particularly if your present contract has a due date.
I think some people even terminate their leases in purpose, in order to get a city flat, but gambling may be a bit too much for you.

[Starfishy]

I also can't leave the country for better job prospects and living because we will be joint guardians. So I'm stuck here and somehow need to make sure my kids get by .

Have you actually had this discussion with your kids' Dad? Would he be against you moving to be able to get a job to support *his* children? My ex agreed because we were both committed to ensuring the best for our son. He was not interested in co-parenting and I believe by my leaving (which I eventually decided not to do because any chance at a relationship with his Dad would have been best met if we lived here) it would have made his life a bit easier. I never claimed sole custodialship so I guess we were joint custodians? Even with that, he accepted that I might have moved away permanently. Have a heart-to-heart. Let him know you most concerned about keeping the kids involved in his life.

We have talked about it but Finland has become my home and it's my children's home and I don't want to have to leave. I do have permanent residency here (for the pp who asked ). The school is better here than my home country and safer and they would not be able to speak and learn Finnish if I left the country. Also I have no family in my home country so there's not much to go back to. If I stay here my kids get grandparents and a dad in their life and I think that's worth all the sacrifice.

There's still many months until the divorce is final and that my husband and I can live under the same roof, despite how odd it feels now I know he wants rid of us, but I think I'll apply for city housing. ..see if I get any offers and in the mean time shop around for other living prospects as a backup and search for jobs that have a start day some time closer to my youngest's first birthday.