Dating a Finnish guy

[Oho]

Reluctance to speak over phone, Skype or likewise I would say is a guy thing far more than it is an aspect of Finnish culture. Pretty much all Finnish women I know socially are regular chatterboxes off or on a phone unless they are working. Certainly applies to my significant other and her friends and it is a bit of problem given she lives in Seville and wants to use Skype sometimes several times a night and I just really could not be bothered after the first half an hour session.

[Sapphireblue]

This thread is a little old.. But I also need a bit of advice.

I met a Finnish guy online and we kind of hit it off. We've been talking for a good 7 months now via Skype, whatsapp. We've also shared "i like you"s to each other (I initiated first). I come from a culture where men would usually initiate the first move, and to be honest I don't actually know what kind of relationship we have at the moment. I really like him, in fact willing to be in a serious relationship with him. He would never initiate conversations about our relationship, but he I can see he genuinely cares for me. I'm too scared to ask him about our relationship now... I don't really know what to do. I'd like him to initiate the topic of our relationship but I don't think he ever will. What shall I do? To the Finnish guys in this thread, any reaction?

[Jacquelineh]

This thread is a little old.. But I also need a bit of advice.

I met a Finnish guy online and we kind of hit it off. We've been talking for a good 7 months now via Skype, whatsapp. We've also shared "i like you"s to each other (I initiated first). I come from a culture where men would usually initiate the first move, and to be honest I don't actually know what kind of relationship we have at the moment. I really like him, in fact willing to be in a serious relationship with him. He would never initiate conversations about our relationship, but he I can see he genuinely cares for me. I'm too scared to ask him about our relationship now... I don't really know what to do. I'd like him to initiate the topic of our relationship but I don't think he ever will. What shall I do? To the Finnish guys in this thread, any reaction?

Hi you, do initiate! I don't know how old your guy is but finnish guys in mid 20s have a bit problem with relationships. They are afraid to commit and love their freedom (i suppose all the young guys are so )). Finnish guys are more on the passive side, and they are really shy, so if you want to clear thing out, you need to start first.

[Rip]

I can't see you loosing anything by taking the initiative.

[RevealingtheTruth]

Cool? Aijaa...

If you are young, I think young people act the same all over the world with their 'I love you's' and all that other mushy in the clouds crap.

Older people in relationships don't generally do all that !"#¤%.

And Finns are usually quite reserved in every sense. But since he's been to your country, he's obviously been doing travelling. Finns who've done a lot of travelling or lived elsewhere are usually much more open and friendly than the more "traditional non travelling/no experience without the outside world" Finns.

Finns ARE NOT like Americans or other Western Countries. You'll find out when you realise there's very little 'customer service' here LOL. And no one is smiling for about 7 months of year cause it's dark and depressing and cold LOL. Your boyfriend or whatever he is, might be an exception to the rule. As with the Finnish language, there are always exceptions to the rules in this country LOL.

The man I am seeing is an exception.... He tells me he loves me actually quite often and he's in his mid 30's. And since I've been here for so long and been with more traditional Finns, it feels a bit weird to hear the words so often from a Finnish man LOL.

Flossy, I think you are right on in your reply....

[Flossy1978]

Thanks

In the end I ditched the guy and Finland. I fled home to Australia before all the sh*t hit the fan, as it is now. And thank god I did. Biggest problem we've got here right now are stupid bogan teenagers on the Gold Coast for Schoolies Week, out of control bushfires, insanely hot temperatures right now and the threat of a big GST hike. All of which I'll happily take over what's happening in Europe right now.

[aninpp]

hello! I met my boyfriend (a Finnish guy) over the internet. We have already met tho but only once. We talked less than 3 months but he confessed his feeling already. It's been around 6 months since I've met him and dating him long distance. At first, he texted me a lot as in catching up how his day was or how work was and so on, we also did Skype a lot and he called me at least once in two weeks but now he didn't really do that anymore. Every time I ask for Skype or call, he said he is busy, we talked not so much anymore again because of he is busy of his works (he is in high position). Even when he is online, he doesn't reply me, he just ignores my text but then at night (evening time in Finland) he texted me because he was being busy all day. Also, he has a kid, every weekend his kid is with him, he just doesn't text me a lot when he is with him but he is online. I have heard that Finnish people need their own privacy but is this one normal? or I might have being fooled? :/ I'm so confused..

[twiggydoll]

hello! I met my boyfriend (a Finnish guy) over the internet. We have already met tho but only once. We talked less than 3 months but he confessed his feeling already. It's been around 6 months since I've met him and dating him long distance. At first, he texted me a lot as in catching up how his day was or how work was and so on, we also did Skype a lot and he called me at least once in two weeks but now he didn't really do that anymore. Every time I ask for Skype or call, he said he is busy, we talked not so much anymore again because of he is busy of his works (he is in high position). Even when he is online, he doesn't reply me, he just ignores my text but then at night (evening time in Finland) he texted me because he was being busy all day. Also, he has a kid, every weekend his kid is with him, he just doesn't text me a lot when he is with him but he is online. I have heard that Finnish people need their own privacy but is this one normal? or I might have being fooled? :/ I'm so confused..

Regardless of where you are from, ignoring someone outright is generally a sign that that person is not interested. Unless he is truly busy (you seem to have your doubts), then I'd cut my losses and consider moving on. You should determine this by talking to him about the lack of communication you've been having, and ask outright if he's still interested in you and if he's ignoring you on purpose.

[wolf80]

hello! I met my boyfriend (a Finnish guy) over the internet. We have already met tho but only once. We talked less than 3 months but he confessed his feeling already. It's been around 6 months since I've met him and dating him long distance. At first, he texted me a lot as in catching up how his day was or how work was and so on, we also did Skype a lot and he called me at least once in two weeks but now he didn't really do that anymore. Every time I ask for Skype or call, he said he is busy, we talked not so much anymore again because of he is busy of his works (he is in high position). Even when he is online, he doesn't reply me, he just ignores my text but then at night (evening time in Finland) he texted me because he was being busy all day. Also, he has a kid, every weekend his kid is with him, he just doesn't text me a lot when he is with him but he is online. I have heard that Finnish people need their own privacy but is this one normal? or I might have being fooled? :/ I'm so confused..

There is an old and simple rule: If somebody wants to make time for you, they will manage to make time for you! In reverse, if somebody never finds time for you, then they are not interested. You might never know what happened, maybe he got bored, maybe he found someone else. I would ask him directly if he is still interested, and tell him that then he has to put more effort into the relationship.

[Oombongo]

hello! I met my boyfriend (a Finnish guy) over the internet. We have already met tho but only once. We talked less than 3 months but he confessed his feeling already. It's been around 6 months since I've met him and dating him long distance. At first, he texted me a lot as in catching up how his day was or how work was and so on, we also did Skype a lot and he called me at least once in two weeks but now he didn't really do that anymore. Every time I ask for Skype or call, he said he is busy, we talked not so much anymore again because of he is busy of his works (he is in high position). Even when he is online, he doesn't reply me, he just ignores my text but then at night (evening time in Finland) he texted me because he was being busy all day. Also, he has a kid, every weekend his kid is with him, he just doesn't text me a lot when he is with him but he is online. I have heard that Finnish people need their own privacy but is this one normal? or I might have being fooled? :/ I'm so confused..

Unless he is digging into a gold mine day and night, my money is on he is banging a chick on side.

[SilvineMtill]

Few pointers when dating a Finnish guy

1. If he keeps in touch with you constantly, he is somewhat interested.
How much, you'll just have to find out.

2. Finns, in general, are usually reserved at first, until they get to know the real you.
What you can do is to plant little hints about how wonderful you are on his path and then hope that he gets the point.
Like, be happy, caring, TRUSTWORTHY (<- that can't be overstressed when talking about ideal partner for a Finn) , look great and smell amazing.
I'm not saying that you usually wouldn't but it doesn't hurt to be extra careful.
Generally speaking, Americans are very extrovert and enthusiastic (not to mention generous and caring) what in comes to friendships and it feels very flattering to be in the receiving end of that kind of attention. However , Finns and especially Finnish men need to hunt. They need their space. Actually, without knowing you at all, I'm just assuming that you could cut the amount of attention you're giving him into half and it would only do you both good.
Finns are not actually THAT shy when they really want something. Make him realize that he can't live without you.
For that, you may have to become a Finn for a moment.

3. How to give him the space ? I would start by saying that I'm not coming after all. To see how he reacts. If he's very disappointed and seems depressed, he's probably as into you as you are to him. If he's like ":(" and then turns the conversation to some other happier topic, he's not that into you.
Finns get depressed if they don't get what they want. They can't just try to cheer up " and put on a happy face" if they're not feeling it.
Neither is it required in Finnish society. So if you mean anything to him, he will talk about it at least the next 5 sentences and probably end your conversation by saying " I'm going to a bar to get hammered". (if he drinks alcohol, what I just assume he does )

So, absence from you ; reaction : depressed-good, not so depressed-not so good (<- seriously, they can't hide their feelings if they´re genuinely very disappointed)


4. However, if your plans mystically change back later and you're still coming to visit him, he WILL meet you at the airport to pick you up and take care of you, if he genuinely cares for you. He will also make your bed to another room (of course you're staying at his place) instead of just assuming your sleeping in his bed, even if you have spent the night with each other earlier. That is one of the rare occasions when Finnish guys turn into old-fashioned gentlemen ; when they're head over heels over a girl. Enjoy it while it lasts .

5. Sex is not that big of a deal in Finland, ; we grow up in naked culture and we have sex with another person if we feel like it.
However, he should still blush and become a nervous schoolboy when undressing you, because to him, sex with YOU should a totally different thing.

6. Generally, when he becomes very serious it's usually a good thing. Nervous- even better.
Playful and even making fun of you (when you're not yet in a relationship) - bad.
When he's playful with a girl he's not in relationship with, it means he wants sex and nothing more.


I don't know what your current situation is with him, but these are some general facts about Finnish men.
Or maybe men in general ? But the Finnish men I've dated have acted exactly like the one(s) above.

Good luck!

That is really interesting! Thank you very much for this post!

[Marsh04]

Most probably he was drunk when he sent you the pic of that bar. Not worth wasting your time on him. Especially if you want him for the pure reason of love.

[suhokim]

Just want to share my recent dating experience in Finland to see if other foreign ladies feel the same. (a bit of background: I am in my late 20s, East Asian, not religious, been with a Finn for a few years, university graduate, speak ok Finnish.)

1) Finnish guys in their 30s, if they are still dating, do not feel pressure to commit or keep a girlfriend. (Mediocre appearance, stable but not rich)
- This is rather strange to me, because I did assume that human are in general afraid of growing old lonely. Or is it common for these bachelors to only settle in their 40s (and find a much younger partner to have children with)? Is it so easy to get laid for these guys? They seem not to know what they want in life/ from their partner, and they could date very casually still. Hookup aside it is still pretty strange to me, because getting a date still isn't very easy no? When you are in your 30s you don't really have that much time to hang around..? It is also very strange to me that they are still dating like people in their early 20s (dunno what to expect, dunno what they want, dunno what's next), which seems rather immature I would say.

2) No first/second/third date rule: if you sleep with them in the first date it doesn't mean anything: it could be serious, it could be casual. But it seems sex is a "pakko" whichever way. ---> no sex in the first date seems irrelevant in this country.

3) If you two meet online you might be embarrassed to tell your friends the truth, and prefer to make up an excuse like "we met through a friend" ---> I didn't know online dating carries such stigma.

4) It is expected that you are dating more than one person until you become exclusive to a person, which means a relationship. ---> Dating exclusively at an early stage just implies you are desperate / fall for someone too easily - a red flag to single adult Finns it seems. Is being serious so terrible when you are a mature adult in Finland? Do you have to date a lot just to prove that you are attractive and wanted?
(Just as a matter of fact my home country has the opposite logic: if you date a lot it makes you unattractive, equally applicable to men and women.)

5) Girls still have to play hard to get --> Finnish guys still like to hunt, even if they are shy and socially awkward. They don't like girls who initiate. (Personal experience + Finnish girlfriends' experience)

6) Not sure if I should speak Finnish with my dates - the foreignness in me seems to be more captivating to them

[ajdias]

It's simple demographics. Women outnumber men in this city. It's particularly bad for university graduates, since females make most of the students by a fair margin. Finnish women are often very "aggressive" so guys take a step back and let them do the most of work, even if they want to settle down.
Besides, you can imagine that not many guys choose to stay single into their middle 30s. So you've probably get plenty of "lemons" and only a handful of interesting prospects.