Because they can stay on top for ninety minutes and still come second
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Since Italia '90 all I can remember from England at major football tournaments is chronic misfortune. Such outrageously bad luck that all you can do is shake your head and ask how in the hell did that happen? What has gone so wrong in our national karma that we have to suffer like this? It's criminal! Who has cursed us?
Look at these matches and see what we had to deal with!
v. West Germany, World Cup Semi-Final, Italia 90
- Germany score from a freaky free kick, deflecting bizarrely off the foot of Paul Parker, over Shilton's head and in.
- Eliminated in penalty shoot-out
v. Sweden, European Championship Group Stages, Sweden '92
- Graham Taylor
v. No-one, World-Cup, USA '94
- see above (cough)
v. Germany, European Championship Semi-Final, England '96
- England hit post twice (?) in the 'golden goal' period
. Eliminated in penalty shoot-out
v. Argentina, World Cup First knock-out round, France '98
- Beckham sent off
- Sol Campbell goal disallowed
- Eliminated in penalty shoot-out
v. Portugal, European Championship, Group Stages, Belgium/Netherlands 2000
- Phil Neville. Basketball. What was he thinking?
v. Brazil, World Kup, Quarter Final, Japorea 2002
- Ronaldhino flukes in a free kick, lobbing Seaman from 45 yards in the most unlikely fashion (and also spawning some bad jokes like "Why are Brazilians such great lovers? Because they can lob... etc.")
So now, watching England in Portugal '04, I just feel it's not a question of "if" we get knocked out, but "when?" and "how?". We're not just knocked out, we're tortured by God for being English. In the days of the Raj it was said that "God is an Englishman", but at least since 1966 he's only been watching the rugby.
We often have good players who, on paper, should be in with a shout. But it inevitibly goes totally crazy-ape, chocolate-covered, bear tits up.
Will it be a glorious, although ultimately doomed, crash and burn where we can hold our national head up high like 1990 or 1996, or will it be a pathetic squalid mess, fit only for reality TV like in 1992 or 2000?
I also wonder "which stupid fvckers in white shirts will press the self-destruct button this time?". Heskey, Gerrard and James already look to be in fine form in this respect.
This is the misery of the England fan, and the earliest it can end is next monday night. I would almost welcome England's elimination and by a big margin, so at least I can't think "what if..."
(Anyway, off to watch the Switzerland game now)
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