Intercultural cohabiting problems

aurajuusto · Post by **aurajuusto** » Tue Jun 06, 2006 9:52 pm

Hello everyone! I've been browsing through this site for some time now but this is my first post here. I would like to know what in your opinion is the best way to deal with the problems that arise when the two persons living together come from different cultures. Does someone who has grown, let's say in the US, ever learn proper Finnish table manners? Or does he not? I am asking because my bf, who can find common language with almost anyone, has really terrible table manners by Western European standards. In his own culture I guess he is perfectly alright. Unfortuately this irritates me very, very much - after all he has chosen to live in Europe and not in the wild West! I tried to explain the situation but so far he hasn't gotten impressed. He seems to think this is not important. Poor me, I love him so much but I feel so uncomfortable at business dinners with him. How do you people cope with such things? Do Finns really care about the way someone eats? One things I am really impressed by in this country is the great manners Finns have at business dinners but I am not sure if they pay attention to other people's manners. Help me please!

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RA · Post by RA » Tue Jun 06, 2006 10:39 pm

aurajuusto wrote:proper Finnish table manners?

What are proper Finnish table manners?

I'll begin...

1. Gulp your meal down really really really fast.
2. Do not talk. Just eat.

aurajuusto · Post by **aurajuusto** » Tue Jun 06, 2006 10:47 pm

RA wrote:What are proper Finnish table manners?

I'll begin...

1. Gulp your meal down really really really fast.
2. Do not talk. Just eat.

Nono! The Finns I've seen talk and joke and so on, quite like other people. But they use their knife&fork very skilfully, don't put their head down at the level of their plates, don't wave their elbows. They even don't eat fast... Gosh! I sound like a Mary Poppins.. but I'm really frustrated.

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Tue Jun 06, 2006 10:58 pm

Make him watch "My Fair Lady" in a loop until he gets it

sinikala · Post by **sinikala** » Tue Jun 06, 2006 11:00 pm

Finnish table manners seem to be pretty much the same as English table manners, with the exception of the angle at which the cutlery is left at the end of a course, here they seem to be placed at 45°, in the UK we leave them pointing away.

raamv · Post by **raamv** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 12:28 am

Sorry but, there is the table and there is the manners...which one is he missing? Like what is he exactly doing that you dont like?
If you can list those things in this forum, you will get a lot of opinions on how to correct his behaviour...OTOH, If you can lay it down here, I am sure that you can have a polite converstion with him on what exactly that you dont like..and how it makes "you feel".
I am from India where the norm is eating by hands...and lived in the US where I had many many american habits. I didnt even realize some of the "habits" until my SO let me know how she felt...and it took me some time to realize what that means!!!
so If we have formal dinners, I follow the rules, if we have regular dinner, some rules apply( still my kid eats with her hands, but we dont), and if alone...I am my own boss..
So No use asking for advice on how to correct your bf's behaviour unless you have a straight-up conversation on what compromise you want him to make albeit with another compromise from you!!!
Habits take long time to form and a long time to correct...and so re behaviours...whether noticable or unnoticable..so Start your conversation now and hope it takes only a few months or years to correct.. unless you wanna change bf's for one with those table manners ..but then who knows what else that one's habits ll be.
Thats my 2 cents worth!!
/Raam

karen · Post by **karen** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:42 am

Finnish table manners.

aurajuusto · Post by **aurajuusto** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 7:38 am

raamv wrote: I am from India where the norm is eating by hands...and lived in the US where I had many many american habits. I didnt even realize some of the "habits" until my SO let me know how she felt...and it took me some time to realize what that means!!!
so If we have formal dinners, I follow the rules, if we have regular dinner, some rules apply( still my kid eats with her hands, but we dont), and if alone...I am my own boss..
So No use asking for advice on how to correct your bf's behaviour unless you have a straight-up conversation on what compromise you want him to make albeit with another compromise from you!!!
Habits take long time to form and a long time to correct...and so re behaviours...whether noticable or unnoticable..so Start your conversation now and hope it takes only a few months or years to correct.. unless you wanna change bf's for one with those table manners ..but then who knows what else that one's habits ll be.
Thats my 2 cents worth!!
/Raam

Thank you for the post, Raam, it's relieving to find someone who understands my problem. I have already had several very straight conversations with him over the last two years. The reason I was not listing the details here is because I think that if he understands why I think it's important, he will change his behaviour altogether. But since you ask - here is the most irritating: he bites bread that doesn't have butter on it, and he keeps that bread in his hand until he eats it (as if someone would steal it from his plate). Instead of bringing food to his mouth with the fork/spoon he brings his mouth down to his plate and shoves in the food. We were at a ylioppilas gathering last Saturday and I wanted to sink into the earth...

There are other things but this is what one can notice immediately. Of course, there has also been some progress. So far, in two years he learned not to throw the plates and cutlery onto the table when he lays it (i really mean this!) and sometimes he even manages with the right configuration of plate, knife, fork and glass on the table although the direction at which the teeth of the knife point can vary.

But can you tell me please - do you think that "bad" table manners really affect negatively work relations? I was brought up in an environment where it did matter very much but he tells me this is not so in the big wide world.

Gosh, so close to Midsummer I feel I have fallen in love like Titania, with an ass.

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 9:17 am

he bites bread that doesn't have butter on it, and he keeps that bread in his hand until he eats it (as if someone would steal it from his plate). Instead of bringing food to his mouth with the fork/spoon he brings his mouth down to his plate and shoves in the food.

You mean just like these guys? Tell me, does he pace a lot around in the room as well?

Gosh, so close to Midsummer I feel I have fallen in love like Titania, with an ass.

You found the cow in the cowboy

paulrenn · Post by **paulrenn** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 9:31 am

My god, some people are fussy! Have you measured his shoelaces to ensure they are of equal length?

aurajuusto · Post by **aurajuusto** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 9:43 am

Hank W. wrote:Tell me, does he pace a lot around in the room as well?

Not when he's eating, anyway!

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 9:44 am

aurajuusto wrote:But can you tell me please - do you think that "bad" table manners really affect negatively work relations? I was brought up in an environment where it did matter very much but he tells me this is not so in the big wide world.

Well, not if you are military, and your only job to impress foreign people is to kill them all and let God sort them out... definition of "world" in this case areas beyond the trailer park, in which case it don't matter at home either.

Depends on the job/job culture/environment quite a lot. I mean in a truly multinational/lingual/cultural environment say like a wild line ship, you really can't be too pissy of other people's habits. Then again if you're a financial advisor trying to coax out money off some gold-tooth coast bättrefolk granny in Töölö, you better be able to mind your manners.

Hank W. · Post by **Hank W.** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 9:47 am

paulrenn wrote:My god, some people are fussy! Have you measured his shoelaces to ensure they are of equal length?

"Hot Blonde Syndrome" usually terminates in "Death by Nagging"

Oombongo · Post by **Oombongo** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 10:10 am

I eat pizza on oven tray, without any plate, fork and knife (only when I am at home alone or with the one who must be obeyed)

I hate long noodles and I avoid them at every cost in public resturant.

aurajuusto · Post by **aurajuusto** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 10:23 am

Oombongo wrote:I eat pizza on oven tray, without any plate, fork and knife (only when I am at home alone or with the one who must be obeyed)

I hate long noodles and I avoid them at every cost in public resturant.

I also hate noodles at restaurants, especially if I am wearing something white

And about pizza - I really think it tastes best without the knife and fork. Ah, but my business dinners usually usually consist of five courses featuring rindeer ribs with asparagus and wine made in the year 235 BC.

Edit: on a second thought, the courses are probably only three. Lots of fine food and alcohol before the coffee and liqueur, anyways. And roquefort, not aurajuusto.

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