I hate my wife. My wife hates me. We both love - and our good parents to- our two year old son. Divorice is inevitable. Can anybody recommend someone I can get advice from regarding 1) custody laws regarding children and 2) splitting the assets. I guess there's absolutely no chance that a good American dad would be given custody over a good Finnish mom, huh? What's the best I can do here?
Also, I remember reading about some priest who serves as a marriage counselor (who doesn't let religion intrude into things). Could someone give me his name?
Please no pious stuff about keeping the child out of all fighting. My monstrous wife and I know this...and we won't get the boy involved.
marriage in shambles
Have no advise about custody and stuff, but
I know it's painfull, and lots of things (not so pleasent) rushing through. Taking a kind of "vacation" might clear up about what's important (not implying that you don't know), thus acting wisely and calmly.
Ya know, you don't show your love by aggresiveness, but by (partly) understanding and letting go. At the same time, you understand your value as a human being.
(This has really nothing to do with your particular circumstances.)
People are like corks - they'll pop up back to surface without specific effort.
I know it's painfull, and lots of things (not so pleasent) rushing through. Taking a kind of "vacation" might clear up about what's important (not implying that you don't know), thus acting wisely and calmly.
Ya know, you don't show your love by aggresiveness, but by (partly) understanding and letting go. At the same time, you understand your value as a human being.
(This has really nothing to do with your particular circumstances.)
People are like corks - they'll pop up back to surface without specific effort.
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rev. green
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littlefrank
- Posts: 3584
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2004 11:51 am
- Location: eläkeläinenmäki
'custody laws regarding children'
You seem to be in the same position I was, I'll dig out some links later regarding child custody, but to avoid the problems I had, you must go and get the access arrangement legalised, this does not mean you have to go to court, you can do it through the social services.
I can't help with the 'splitting of assets', arnacho's are not noted for their love of material goods. Basically I was happy taking the computer.
You can also get family counselling from the social services. me and the ex are doing this at the moment (long story) it is helping us to get over our feelings towards each other, so it helps our daughter. Because no matter how much you try to hide your feelings from children, the clever little buggers will still know. It is actually helping, it's solved a few problems my daughter was having.
You seem to be in the same position I was, I'll dig out some links later regarding child custody, but to avoid the problems I had, you must go and get the access arrangement legalised, this does not mean you have to go to court, you can do it through the social services.
I can't help with the 'splitting of assets', arnacho's are not noted for their love of material goods. Basically I was happy taking the computer.
You can also get family counselling from the social services. me and the ex are doing this at the moment (long story) it is helping us to get over our feelings towards each other, so it helps our daughter. Because no matter how much you try to hide your feelings from children, the clever little buggers will still know. It is actually helping, it's solved a few problems my daughter was having.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, 1949
- Popular Mechanics, 1949
Unless your ex-wife is willing to work with you, in the Finnish system your wife is control. I suggest you contact Markku Valtonen at Miessakit. Good luck.
Markku Valtonen
projektityöntekijä
puh. 09 6126 6216
etunimi.sukunimi@miessakit.fi
Osoite
Miessakit ry
Annankatu 16 B 28
00120 HELSINKI
Puhelin
09 6126 620
Sähköposti
miessakit@miessakit.fi
Internet
http://www.miessakit.fi
Markku Valtonen
projektityöntekijä
puh. 09 6126 6216
etunimi.sukunimi@miessakit.fi
Osoite
Miessakit ry
Annankatu 16 B 28
00120 HELSINKI
Puhelin
09 6126 620
Sähköposti
miessakit@miessakit.fi
Internet
http://www.miessakit.fi
this is very sad, because in the end, who is really the one who will pay the price.
it is your sweet little two year old.
i will not support divorce unless the kid will continue living in his own home, and the parents will move their stuff from one place to another each week and visit so that the kid can sleep in his own bed every single night until he is grown up, instead of the kid having to pack up and go visit his selfish parents in their own homes. why not? why does the kid have to pack up and live in two places, when he DID NOT DO ANYTHING?????
your little boy will have to live with your future ex and her new love interest (and his possible kids) ; and he will have to most likely visit you and your future honey (and her possible kids); what a mess; you will have no control over what goes on in your ex's house while you are not there...how can this be in the best interest of the little boy?????
don't know, but i think today people are considering everything disposable--diapers, dishes, husbands, wives, kids.
very, very sad. it is very easy to hate one another, and hard to care for and be unselfish. you will not be there to parent the little guy when you are divorced; do you really prefer divorced life to raising your own little boy? maybe you will have to put up with crap to be able to do that, be an actual, real, be there, dad; because, once you are divorced, you will not be. you will VISIT HIM. he will not run to you when you get home from work, he will VISIT you for the weekends.
i would not even bother to write if it hadn't been for the poor little two year old who will lose his dad and his mom and get step dads and moms and stepsiblings and step grandpas and grandmas...yikes.
oh forgot to say i feel very strongly about this.
it is your sweet little two year old.
i will not support divorce unless the kid will continue living in his own home, and the parents will move their stuff from one place to another each week and visit so that the kid can sleep in his own bed every single night until he is grown up, instead of the kid having to pack up and go visit his selfish parents in their own homes. why not? why does the kid have to pack up and live in two places, when he DID NOT DO ANYTHING?????
your little boy will have to live with your future ex and her new love interest (and his possible kids) ; and he will have to most likely visit you and your future honey (and her possible kids); what a mess; you will have no control over what goes on in your ex's house while you are not there...how can this be in the best interest of the little boy?????
don't know, but i think today people are considering everything disposable--diapers, dishes, husbands, wives, kids.
very, very sad. it is very easy to hate one another, and hard to care for and be unselfish. you will not be there to parent the little guy when you are divorced; do you really prefer divorced life to raising your own little boy? maybe you will have to put up with crap to be able to do that, be an actual, real, be there, dad; because, once you are divorced, you will not be. you will VISIT HIM. he will not run to you when you get home from work, he will VISIT you for the weekends.
i would not even bother to write if it hadn't been for the poor little two year old who will lose his dad and his mom and get step dads and moms and stepsiblings and step grandpas and grandmas...yikes.
oh forgot to say i feel very strongly about this.
This is very sad. Not knowing the circumstances, I can only say that on sometimes divorce is the best thing. It is more damaging to a child to live in a family which is toren down by fighting. I trust you have tried marriage counceling and other things too. I have read stories about couples who have divorced in vain because they didn't try enough and regretted it later.
Good thing is that you both love your son and want his best. Ask about some social worker what is their opinion of the best thing for a child. I think they will say something like that child should permanently live with one parent and he will then spend every other weekend with another parent. Cool heads are best thing you can have now. Good luck for all of you. Hope you can work this out in a good way.
Good thing is that you both love your son and want his best. Ask about some social worker what is their opinion of the best thing for a child. I think they will say something like that child should permanently live with one parent and he will then spend every other weekend with another parent. Cool heads are best thing you can have now. Good luck for all of you. Hope you can work this out in a good way.
Long days and pleasant nights
first of all, it is never in the best interest of the child to VISIT his dad (if that dad is a decent guy, that is) . Dad needs to be there every single day, to take him out to play, to rough house with him, to show him how to be a man.
second, fighting is not the only option there is. you can talk politely and even kindly, even when there are differences. unless you have a raging lunatic there, bipolar, something like that, people can communicate with civility. does she have some kind of mental illness? if so, you should still not leave, because she will be raising your boy and you can't intervene at all while living in your peaceful apartment.
i believe that there are times when the marriage is just not all that much fun, there are periods of time that you just have to endure. sometimes that period might even last a year until things get better. if you work at it, things will get better regardless of how ready you are to give up. you don't have to go find a new babe, because, after a year or two, you will be in the same place, because you have not learned how to deal with the situation, you have only learned to leave. that is also what you are teaching your little boy.
i am sure things are very strained when we are talking divorce. still, when was the last time you took your wife to the movies? out to dinner? i know it is not your job alone to keep the marriage going, but sometimes, one person will have to give 100% while the other can not figure this out.
i think divorce is the very best thing only when there is real abuse going.
second, fighting is not the only option there is. you can talk politely and even kindly, even when there are differences. unless you have a raging lunatic there, bipolar, something like that, people can communicate with civility. does she have some kind of mental illness? if so, you should still not leave, because she will be raising your boy and you can't intervene at all while living in your peaceful apartment.
i believe that there are times when the marriage is just not all that much fun, there are periods of time that you just have to endure. sometimes that period might even last a year until things get better. if you work at it, things will get better regardless of how ready you are to give up. you don't have to go find a new babe, because, after a year or two, you will be in the same place, because you have not learned how to deal with the situation, you have only learned to leave. that is also what you are teaching your little boy.
i am sure things are very strained when we are talking divorce. still, when was the last time you took your wife to the movies? out to dinner? i know it is not your job alone to keep the marriage going, but sometimes, one person will have to give 100% while the other can not figure this out.
i think divorce is the very best thing only when there is real abuse going.
C'mon, this is Europe here... Ain't tabu nor shame to divorce, even when there is a child in the marriage. We consider in Europe that happiness in divorce is better than unhappiness in marriage.Finnmom, location=US wrote:i think divorce is the very best thing only when there is real abuse going.
In this case, both of the persons want to divorce and they agree that the divorce should not separate the child from one of the parent, so respect their choice, and don't go preaching like a morally self-righteous priest. Ain't no church here, the poster did not come for making a confession or begging some matrimonial advices.
/Paul
Last edited by Paul_D on Sun Jan 21, 2007 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
L'équivalent francais de ce forum: http://www.salutfinlande.net/
Paul_D wrote:C'mon, this is Europe here... Ain't tabu nor shame to divorce, even when there is a child in the marriage. We consider in Europe that happiness in divorce is better than unhappiness in marriage.Finnmom, location=US wrote:i think divorce is the very best thing only when there is real abuse going.
In this case, both of the persons want to divorce and they agree that the divorce should not separate the child from one of the parent, so respect their choice, and do go preaching like a morally self-righteous priest. Ain't no church here, the poster did not come for making a confession or begging some matrimonial advices.
/Paul
Totally agree. There is no way that parents who want to divorce are gonna be able to disguise that kind of hostility from a child. And kids are not stupid. Pretty soon they are going to start feeling guilty that "Mom and Dad hate each other yet the only reason they stay together is me. It's my fault I was born! I ruined their lives!" Not even to mention the parents will start resenting the kid sooner or later "You little brat - think of all the years I tortured myself staying with a partner I didn't love and THIS is how you repay me?"Paul_D wrote:C'mon, this is Europe here... Ain't tabu nor shame to divorce, even when there is a child in the marriage. We consider in Europe that happiness in divorce is better than unhappiness in marriage.
Quite apart from the fact that no one "lives" in someone else's relationship or life and therefore really cannot judge that they should do one thing or another. Let he who is without sin and glass houses and all that.
But yeah - I have noticed Finn woman/Foreigner divorce after about 2 yrs. But to be fair, I have also seen it when there is any external kind of pressure to get married (partner must leave country, accidental baby, just out of bad relationship, etc.)