Need advice....first child / big mess with ex

Ambrosia · Post by **Ambrosia** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:47 am

Hey,

This is a big mess caused by myself but due to my sickness I don't see things like others....which is on time.
As my doctor said I'm an Apple trying to communicate with a Windows PC....I have Autism.

A big part of that is that we fall back constantly in certain patterns.
In my case It was game addiction since 2003, got submitted in a psychiatric hospital for 9 months.
As I was getting ''better'' I hooked up with a friend from the game I was playing and I told her straight up how things are and where I was.
After I was released I flew to Finland and one thing lead to another and we became a couple, since then I've been going back and forth between 2 EU countries.
During the time of the relationship gaming seem to have always had a huge impact which caused the fight and for my anger (breaking laptops etc etc).

Though we never saw it or I don't know if she cared, because everytime we fought she would run to some guy from the net.
Of which I would had to win her back and we moved on, this continued through 6 years.

At one point she got pregnant and panicked I think and didn't want the child because it would ruin her new life (some guy she met on the net from the UK).
Bla bla our own fault, we kept the child nevertheless....and then I sunk into !"#¤% again.

And this is the most horrible part that keeps me up every night....
During her pregnancy I completely ignored her, and made her do everything including buying me smokes.
During the night she went into labor I knew it but she kept sleeping because her friend was there.
When the child was born, I used to push him away because he was bothering me with gaming.
So I'm pretty much the lowest scum that walks this earth at the moment and years to come.

Now AFTER the relationship ended last month by me and I found out 3 days later she was sleeping someone one else.
Then everything came crashing down with image flashes and reality struck me when I heard the guy's voice on the phone
After 10 freaking years of being stuck in a dark place I started caring and giving a damn.
Yes it is possible to change in that instant as your life flashes by you.

Anyway broke up on the 15th, guy was sleeping with her on the 18th (if not earlier)...on the 25th she leaves our son with the guy and goes out drinking.
She guy lives in Pori, she lives in Helsinki and it was his first visit, they met through a sex meet up thing through her friend.
So she only met him once before and that was like 2 weeks earlier, now I have a long list of shortcomings.

But isn't that irresponsible to invite someone to over that doesn't live nearby then dumps the child on him and goes out to drink.
Not to mention our son pulled a hot pot of coffee all over him because she was behind the computer (I was sleeping...my fault also I agree).
Then she was right next to him staring at the tv and he was playing/jumping on the couch and fell and split his head open, blood splatter everywhere.
Further more she pulls him firmly on his 1 arm, like almost dragging and when he's not silent she keeps saying ''turpa kiini'' (I know now what it means).

I believe the problem is me from beginning till end but be that as it may I am worried about my son.
As what I didn't see before or wanted to see I am seeing and feeling now, obviously I can't judge her because I'm no better.

We're both not fit to be parents that's for sure, I tried to make it up for the sake of our son after I sorted my self out for the most part.
But she pretty moved on, and I got this feeling she's trying to replace me through him.
We've been together for 6 years right, but she never mentioned me on her Facebook or changed her status...6 days after he came into the picture....guess what...

Not sure what I can do from this distance or what's best for my son, I do love him deep down and he is the only light in my life.
Most people say that but don't really know the meaning of it.
While I'm getting better she seems to be betting more unstable, the yelling still continues, keeping me away from her facebook, yet flaunting picture of the guy holding my son.

Yada yada...sorry for the uber long and hard to follow story, but I would like to hear what people have to say.
Whether it's good for bad, deep down I feel our son would be better off with a foster family maybe instead of be with he/us.

**Sponsor:**

Oombongo · Post by **Oombongo** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:26 am

Ambrosia wrote: Of which I would had to win her back and we moved on, this continued through 6 years.

If a woman expects you to "win her back" while she goes to other guy then she ain't worth it. Dump her as soon as humanly possible as there are others things worth to fight for than a woman of this caliber. This probably looks good in idiotic novels like Twilight.
Other than that, I have no advice to share as I've never been in this situation.

rinso · Post by **rinso** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 7:13 am

I think you have a big problem with yourself.
On top of that you worry about the situation with your ex and about your son.
You might not be able to handle such a complex situation.
It is best to focus on one problem at a time. Starting with yourself.
You can live a good life with autism if someone keeps you on the right track. Your ex is obviously not that person.
Work on your own problem, forget about your ex.

Ambrosia · Post by **Ambrosia** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:36 pm

What's the number for social services for these things in Helsinki and/or email.

Rip · Post by **Rip** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:05 pm

Cory wrote:It is law in Finland to report even suspected cases of child neglect or abuse. .

On the other hand in so far he is acting just on suspicion, based on also the earlier thread he's legal nobody in the family. If he pisses of the mother, then he'll have hard time seeing the child again.

- and to be honest, reading the post above (and noting that those are his words and his chance to paint the picture he wants) I do not get convinced is he working more out of concern or out of jealousy.

Ambrosia · Post by **Ambrosia** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:30 pm

Trust me it's out of concern when I say I would feel more at ease if our son would to be taken by social services.
Relationship between mother and father has nothing to do with it as I've moved on with my own life which is busy as it is.
Everything that's written is written as they are, this not a hide and seek game..to say otherwise would be an insult.
I've been with this person for over 6 years, and the way things are going she should get counseling because her judgment and lack therefor is becoming worse in general.
Being angry at yourself is one thing, but to take it out on the child and your new boyfriend is a bit far fetched.
It's one issue after another and things can only get worse if this continues, I'm aware we're not the average parent or oh so great.
But let's put our judgements aside and think of the child at hand because that's all that matters to me.

I can get where you're coming from given my 1st post on this forum.

Mölkky-Fan · Post by **Mölkky-Fan** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:59 pm

Firstly, how can I get invited to "sex meet up thing through her friend"? (I am only joking, it sounds quite disgusting to me... unless her friend was hot)

Secondly, you should look at the issues below:

But isn't that irresponsible to invite someone to over that doesn't live nearby then dumps the child on him and goes out to drink. Well, that depends... maybe he offered to look after the child so she could have a break for one evening... then it does not sound so bad!
Not to mention our son pulled a hot pot of coffee all over him because she was behind the computer (I was sleeping...my fault also I agree). Sometimes things like this happen...
Then she was right next to him staring at the tv and he was playing/jumping on the couch and fell and split his head open, blood splatter everywhere. Sometimes things like this happen...
Further more she pulls him firmly on his 1 arm, like almost dragging and when he's not silent she keeps saying ''turpa kiini'' (I know now what it means). OK, not the best parenting skills but I have seen worse

I cannot really comment on what to do as I cannot relate to someone who acted like you said in the first post... but it really seems quite messed up. I guess the best solution would be for you and your ex to visit social services together if that was possible. They are not just there to remove the children, they can also try and help you.

Ambrosia · Post by **Ambrosia** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 5:31 pm

It's something we should have tried but we're both blind and she rushed out of the relationship she said herself this morning.
But that doesn't matter because of the distance and having to live a new life visiting would be slim to none, unlike before.
So trying to solve it with social service while living in 2 different countries is a bit difficult.

Our youths got screwed up (not gonna bring that up) and we're passing it on to our son which I take very serious.
It's not what I had in mind for him, that she rushed into a new relationship doesn't really help either...less co-operative.

Ambrosia · Post by **Ambrosia** » Wed Jan 18, 2012 7:16 am

Uh guys I know fathers don't have much right if any in Finland (weird sh!t by the way).

But it legal that a mother locks out the father completely?
In this case block him on Facebook, doesn't make contact to let the father know how the child is.
Doesn't call, blocks his phone number and emails etc etc etc.

Can a parent just shut the other out like they are nothing?
This world is seriously messed up, it takes 2 to make a child, and mother doesn't always know best.
A bit painful if this is true and one cannot even visit or ever see their child again.

Cuz if I show up there unwanted then she would call the police or whatever and things become even worse.

Rip · Post by **Rip** » Wed Jan 18, 2012 8:02 am

Ambrosia wrote: But it legal that a mother locks out the father completely?

This is a serious question? Unless I've missed some new development, you're not even recognized officially as the child's father (let alone there would be some agreement on visitation rights). Of course you don't have then any rights towards him - and yes, she can choose her facebook friends.

Työelämä · Post by **Työelämä** » Wed Jan 18, 2012 3:43 pm

Ambrosia wrote:Uh guys I know fathers don't have much right if any in Finland (weird sh!t by the way).

But it legal that a mother locks out the father completely?
In this case block him on Facebook, doesn't make contact to let the father know how the child is.
Doesn't call, blocks his phone number and emails etc etc etc.

Can a parent just shut the other out like they are nothing?
This world is seriously messed up, it takes 2 to make a child, and mother doesn't always know best.
A bit painful if this is true and one cannot even visit or ever see their child again.

Cuz if I show up there unwanted then she would call the police or whatever and things become even worse.

It differs from country to country, some countries Fathers have more rights over the mothers when it comes to the child upkeeps if marriage becomes dissolved or even if the child is born out of wedlock, this practices are mostly found in Africa, Asia and the Middle East or Arab countries. In Europe also it differs from country to country as it has not fully enshrined into law by completely ignoring the other parent out of the reach of the child when there is brake up among unmarried couples. Finland law is so mother favourable and protective because of its low population ,so in your case try and get in touch with the social services and strengthen things on how you can partake in the upbringing of your child , do not fight handle things maturedly as someone who is capable of fathering a child . I still say it takes 2 to make a child and the role of the both parents are very important in bringing up the child .

Ambrosia · Post by **Ambrosia** » Wed Jan 18, 2012 4:15 pm

Thanks, that's what I'm trying to tell her but she really did a 360 degree this time on me.
It's like she's banking on the new love interest to replace me completely, that is the feeling I get.
Though I can't say she's wrong for trying so, I did bring this all upon myself.
Making mistakes is part of being human, some people see it before and correct themselves some people see it too late.
Especially with my condition it takes a lot more to ''function'' properly than the average Joe.

As much as I would love to be there for our son now and raise him and all, it's pretty much impossible.
From a lot of perspectives, even financially it's impossible to support the child.
Pretty much a can't be together, won't work situation...didn't thought these existed.
But after losing sleep since last month tinkering for solutions I keep hitting roadblocks everywhere.

This would make a good movie <_<

rinso · Post by **rinso** » Thu Jan 19, 2012 8:42 am

Ambrosia wrote: It's like she's banking on the new love interest to replace me completely, that is the feeling I get.

If she is really serious about this guy, she might even ask him to recognize your son as his own. If that happens, you're completely out of the picture.
OK, you might ask for a test, but if they refuse (most likely) you have to fight a court battle.
And even if you win (do you really know it is yours? she seems to have flexible morals) you'll have to fight for every visit or phone call.

My advice; take care of yourself first. When you're weak and unstable you cannot continue this fight.

Stephen B · Post by **Stephen B** » Thu Jan 19, 2012 2:06 pm

Just r ember, its always the children who suffer the most

you need to talk to someone right away about the well being of your child.(like now!)

R ember its always the children who suffer the most

Ambrosia · Post by **Ambrosia** » Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:11 pm

I can't do much about that, a lot of regret from my side that she turned out to be the mother of my child.
At the time I didn't think much of it but the way she is now, I totally regret ever meeting her.
Not just saying that because things aren't the way I would rather see them be as.

Though I'm messed up I still put my son first, be it money, thought, or even getting a tattoo of him on my arm.
Pretty much all I think about, he's what's keeping both of my feet on the ground.

Apparently there's talks about getting married already after him staying there for 3 weeks, which might explain why I'm being blocked and ignored left/right.
As for social services removing our son, that most likely won't happen because they'll be blind enough to see ''two loving people''.

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